Our road to parenthood was filled with many heartbreaks. We had two miscarriages prior to conceiving our sweet baby girl. I look back at that time as a time of growth in our marriage, personally, and in my faith.
I smile as I think about how there isn't a time when I didn't want to be a mom. In college I changed majors and was blessed when I realized God's calling for me to be a teacher, but never did I have a second thought about wanting to be a mom. I babysat from middle school on and loved being around children. When Matt and I got married we always envisioned ourselves being parents one day.
We didn't have kids right away, like some young couples do. My parents had me when they were young and as I grew I saw some wisdom in waiting until you were ready to be selfless. Matt and I also wanted to enjoy being a young married couple and the joys that come with that. I look back at that time and think of how lazy we were...lol...but that just goes to show you that we weren't at the maturity level quiet yet to have kids. I'm glad we waiting and allowed our marriage and relationship to mature, I really do think that has helped us be better parents. I know that I've calmed and chilled as I've aged, Matt on the other hand came out of the womb calm and chilled ;-). I also know that my faith grew during that time. I didn't accept Jesus into my heart until I was in high school and I feel like sometimes I'm a step behind, and in the remedial class. All those years of teaching Sunday school sure helped me learn the bible through a kids eye- who knew that I would glean so much for my future children.
So after about five years of marriage we were ready, or so we thought we were. We decided in 2009 we'd start trying to make a family. We waited until June because Matt had gone through an unexpected job change that winter into spring. After seeing the first positive + sign on the stick I was overcome with excitement only to have it taken away just a week later. My doctor told me to see it as a good sign and we tried again once we were allowed. During this time though, we were heartbroken over the sudden health issues with our cat, Miss Kitty. She had stopped eating and drinking one weekend and two months later we found out she needed to be put down because she had kitty cancer. Those were a rough and trying two months.
I look back on that time in the 'valley of the shadows' when nothing seemed to be going right and I cried more days than I smiled as I time when I was on my knees praying fervently to God, growing in my faith and growing ever so closer to my husband as we clung to each other for support. So when we got pregnant a second time I was overjoyed that some light was being given to us. We wrapped onesies up for our parents that Christmas and announced our good news. Tears of happiness were shed and life seemed to be looking up. But just a week after Christmas when we went to our first ultrasound the news wasn't good at all, our second precious baby had no heartbeat. We now had two babies waiting for us with Jesus in heaven.
I quickly spun into a heap on the floor with anger and frustration. I was devastated and felt so alone. The hope that I was clinging onto seemed to slip from my hands. To top it off I had the hardest class of my teaching career that year, so getting up and living through a day was so hard and torturous sometimes. I pleaded with God, WHY, WHY? I didn't turn from him but ran at him with anger and pounded my fists on his chest as I struggled with our situation. When I was too tired to cry, fight, and scream, I laid at his feet. Tears flood my eyes now as I write this, thinking about this time.
Lucky for me, God picked my pathetic body up and gave me the will to continue. I did a lot of running that winter and as I gained another half mile, I gained another ray of hope. That April we saw that positive sign on the pregnancy test once again, and we braced ourselves. We braced ourselves on that same God who picked us up not that long ago and was still holding us. This positive test was the first sign to us that God had blessed us with Lauren Shea. More tears...
Had I only known then about this bubbly, goofy, smart, caring, generous, sweet, cuddly girl that was growing slowly but surely inside me I think I would have worried less and skipped more (lol, I just pictured my very pregnant self skipping and it wasn't a pretty picture, lol).
Now I look at her and think only of a wonderful God and a precious gift. This girl who sings "Baby Beluga and Rudolph" at the dinner table and counts "one, two, five, seven" is the biggest light in my day. She's taught me more than I've taught her. She's taught me to slow down. She's taught me to be a better person to others. She's taught me to give thanks for every little thing around me, even if it doesn't seem like a blessing. She's taught me that faith is no small thing.
I can't seem to put into words how my daughter has changed me, but in my heart I know. So I'll end this post with a prayer of thanksgiving. I prayer for the best gift God could have ever given me.
Heavenly Father, Thank you for loving me and my family so much that you've blessed us with Lauren Shea. I can't help but think if you every time I look at her. May your light always radiate from her and may you always fill her heart. If she is ever in distress, may she look to you, her holy comforter, for comfort and understanding. May you keep her safe and free from illness and disease. May she always walk on your lit path as she grows in your likeness. Please be with Matt and I as we train her up in your ways. Guide us daily as we help her to find her place. May your love and peace always be with her. In Jesus name I pray these things, Amen.
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