So cute!

Look at Lauren's little tooth! She's had it for few weeks but we (Matt) finally got a picture of it while we were eating the other night. And tonight we noticed the one next to it is peeking through the gums too. It is just another sign that my baby is turning into a big girl right before our eyes.

Today I went to Target and bought her some new onesies. When I went through her clothes and switched them for the season and size change we were left with like five or six onesies that fit. I don't know how that happened. Since she's been born we have had enough onesies for a small army of babies and then all of a sudden, our onesies well has dried up. Anyway, back to the point. I purchased 12 month size since she's 10 months I felt it was more economical to buy big, and on the package description said she's no longer a "newborn" but an "infant." I don't know why but that made me sooooooo sad! She's my little baby and the thought of her growing is sometimes an exciting thing and other times it makes me so sad.

I had a friend tell me once that she knew she was done having kids when she stopped being sad when her youngest reached her milestones. Mind you she has four kids. Another friend told me she knew she was done when she saw a pregnant woman and felt sorry for her. This friend has three kids. Well, I'm not at either of those places. I get really sad when Lauren reaches her milestones and sometimes wish I could go back in time, and I still look at pregnant women with envy (most of the time).

Matt and I have discussed how many kids we'll have many times. When we got married, I wanted two and Matt three. Now we've switched. I don't think I'll be done after two and he thinks two is plenty. Hum...I wonder what will happen. I guess that is for God to know and us to find out.

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame." ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Busy Little Bee

When I pictured what life would be like staying home with Lauren, I didn't necessarly picture what life looks like now. My image was more made up and posed. I remember feeling the same way when I started teaching. I had pictured this happy classroom where each lesson plan was won over by each student, inspiring them to want to know more...okay well maybe I was more realistic than that. But I do have to say somethings are better than I imagined and other things are not quite the same (not bad, just different). Then there were things that I just knew to expect because I nannied two cuties each summer during college.

I imagined spending lots of time with Lauren as she developed and grew each day. This is a billion time more wonderful than I could have imagined before she was born. There is something about ones own child that you just don't understand until you have one. To see her smile, laugh, investigate, learn, explore, and pick herself back up after a fall just makes my heart swell with joy and admiration. I also imagined going to parks, outings, and the library with her. This is even better than imagined too. It's like having your best pal with you everywhere you go- now she is a little more needy than the average BFF, but I let it slide since she's such a cutie.

Now the things that didn't fit into my mold. I imagined getting all my household chores done while she slept...lol...like that would really happen (what was I thinking). I laugh now, but I made a list of small projects I wanted to do in my "spare" time- lol...only two of them have gotten done- organizing the kitchen pantry and cleaning out the fridge. Some weeks I'm lucky to get the minimal amount of chores accomplished, silly me. I also pictured things being more laid back. Maybe I forgot that I was the person who was staying home- lol, I have to work at being laid back, where to some people it just comes naturally. I do have to say that to some extent thing are laid back, but I still feel rushed to get dinner done, just like when I was working. Except now dinner is healthier and homemade more times than not, unlike when I worked and dinner was whatever was easy and fast. On Mondays and Fridays with Noah here, it can feel more stressed too. I enjoy watching him and am glad for Lauren to have such a great buddy to play with, so don't get me wrong- but taking after two babies sure steps up everything a notch.

I knew what to expect with some things. Like, what could entertain a baby wouldn't necessary entertain me. I knew days wouldn't always go as planned but the best chance of that happening was to plan ahead as much a possible (mostly talking about outings). I also knew that you could get lonely (although I haven't felt that too much). I also knew that it was going to be a lot of effort/work. No days with me just sitting around, kicking up my feet, and sipping away on an umbrella drink (hahaha, I sure make myself laugh sometimes).

It's funny that most people don't have any real understanding of how much work a teacher does in his/her day on top of the actual teaching- I think this is also true of motherhood as well. It isn't until you are in the "trenches" that you realize how much work it is. I'm glad I'm called to this job. It's rewarding, tiring, eventful, loving, fun, and some times just plain busy!

"He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor." Proverbs 21:21

When it Rains, it Pours...

A few days ago Matt put the FuzziBunz in the dryer in the morning and since I was leaving the house before the drier was going to be done I stopped the dryer. I figured I would start it back up when I got home. I did that, but when I went to take the diapers out they were still wet. I was busy (note yesterdays blog for all that jazz) and didn't think anything of it, so I just turned the drier on again.

The next load of laundry I did was diapers again and again they weren't dry when I took them out, but silly me I thought it was the diapers, which by the way makes NO sense in retrospect- I know this. So today I put in a load of Lauren's stuff - since it's getting cooler and I had pulled out Fall outfit options that have been stored away. Gotta love and be thankful for the gracious people who have given us hand me downs and loaner clothes. Well anyway, when I opened that load of laundry and it was still soaking wet, it finally dawned on me that the dryer might be broken.

Poor Matt has spent the last three hours pulling out the dryer and going down the check list of things it might be. He has since determined it is the Thermal Fuse. This is a part we have to order or pick up from a store that is closed already for the weekend, so it won't be fixed tonight. But again I'm grateful for Matt being able to do the problem solving and labor to fix it so it will just cost us the part. God is great!

I do have to say that I have remained rather calm through the course of the last weeks events. I think there might be two time I can recall feeling like I might burst at the seems, but it pasted quickly and quietly. I just keep reminding myself that life is full of bumps in the road and a lot of energy gets wasted on them. I credit God to this new found sense of peace. I've been building my relationship with our LORD by devoting more time to reading and studying His word.

I feel overwhelmingly blessed these days. Lauren is a major part of this blessing. It is very hard to look at her and not see one of God's miracles. I also want to be an example for her. I want her to grow up knowing how great our God is. I wish for her spirit to be nurtured with God's water from an early age, so she can go to Him and receive His loving embrace when she needs/wants it.

I came to know God's grace when I was in High School. I've always wished that it had happened sooner. Once you see how great our God can be it's infectious and you want everyone to know the weightlessness of being in relationship with Him. The worlds problems don't go away but when you've got God the burden of navigating through them and around them is so much easier. So if it's raining, may God's living water pour over me!

"always be thankful. For this is God's will for you who belong go Jesus Christ." Thessalonians 5:18

Freaky Friday

Well today was surely a Freaky Friday! I was sick yesterday and it was yucky, but God gave me the best husband in the whole wide world, who helped me through! In fact, it wasn't just a Freaky Friday but it was a Freaky Week now that I think about it. So let me start from the beginning...

Monday was fine- in fact Monday was a great day. Enjoyed having Noah here and then Amy and Noah for dinner. It wasn't until Tuesday that all the "fun" started. I was so tired Tuesday I was sure I had a ball and chain attached to each leg. I took a nap, and it helped- but it was a busy day/night. In fact it was Tuesday night that we realized that the A/C wasn't working- not cool. Matt was up most of the night trying to figure out what was wrong. He never really could pin point it, so Wednesday we had a guy come look at the system. Lauren and I were all over the place Wednesday so we weren't home to feel the heat. But it compounded the fact that I was not feeling myself. The A/C guy told us our Thermostat was broken- Amen it was something easy. I laugh because he quoted us $350 to put a new one in. We went to Lowes and got one for $98 and Matt installed it. It's funny how $98 can feel like you're getting a deal when it's compared to $350.

It was Wednesday after getting home from Lowes that noticed I was feeling even worse. I laid on the couch after we put Lauren down and I felt like a truck had hit me. I stayed awake until the next nursing at 9:30. While I was nursing it felt like my joints and muscles were aching and old. I just wanted to sleep forever and Thursday was suppose to be yet another busy day. When I woke up the next day I was feeling a bit better so I got ready, but during breakfast I was back to feeling yucky- so I took my temperature, and sure enough I had a fever of 100.1.

Matt had left early and taken my car to get it inspected. When he got back at 8:20 to drop off my car I told him that I was running a fever and I needed to sleep. He decided to take a sick day from work so he could stay home and watch Lauren. Amen!! I slept ALL morning and afternoon and then went to bed at 10 without any trouble. I had to cancel my Education Committee meeting that morning, lunch with a friend, and not go to high school youth group that night. So my busy day turned into my sleepy day.

This morning I woke up feeling better, not 100%. I was glad to not be sick since on Fridays I watch Noah. Mornings are always busy and today proved to be busy like normal. They both went down for a wonderful morning nap, so I did get time to do my daily devotional- which I hadn't done the last few days. But this afternoon Noah went down early and then woke up fussing for food- poor guy was hungry. Then I give him his bottle and get him calm and it's time to put Lauren down. She took forty minutes to go down- yikes! Every time she would quiet down, Noah would make a loud noise of some kind. I moved him into the playroom and she finally went down. After twenty minutes of her sleeping I decide to put Noah in the jumper. Once he was in it I called Matt to talk him about Lauren taking forever to go down for a nap, then I noticed there was a spider on the jumper. I was trying to get the spider, it was a fast little guy. Noah was wiggling and the spider was fast, and before I knew it a dropped the phone and woke up Lauren. I was tired and done at that point, so I gave up.

Needless to say Amy got there an hour later and we laughed about the day, which made me feel better. Then Matt got home and gave me a bunch of hugs that made me feel even better. Now I'm feeling even better, and I'm glad tomorrow is Saturday!

Just wondering when life is going to settle down a bit more. I don't need it to be boring, but a little less hectic would be nice. I think that might be part of my prayers tonight.

"Apart from God every activity is merely a passing whiff of insignificance." ~Alfred North Whitehead

A day of relaxation and so much more...

I feel myself more and more noticing the blessing that surround me daily. I know that I've been blessed each and every day I've been on this earth, but sometimes it just feels like my cup runs over (Psalm 23:5). That the place I'm in is exactly were God intends for me to be and His blessing abound!

I feel very lucky to be able to stay home with Lauren. We've made and will make many more sacrifices to do this, but I've never once thought God won't be there holding our hands to make those hard sacrifices.

Just yesterday and one other time this week, even Matt has made a comment about how glad he is that I'm home with Lauren. Earlier in the week, when Lauren pulled herself to a standing position in her crib for the first time I was able to snap a picture of it and then email it to Matt to show him what our sweet baby girl did. He was so excited and part of his response was "aren't you glad you were there to see it." My thought were YES!!! I know that part of him was sad he wasn't, but that it made him feel better to know that I was there. It really hit me then to think we could be paying someone to witness all of these firsts for us. That thought made me sad. I feel so blessed that I'm here witnessing it all!

Then yesterday Matt came out and said "I'm glad you're at home taking care of our daughter." That was music to my ears! I know that it has always been a dream of mine to be a stay at home mommy to my children, and I'm glad to know that my husband shares in that dream with me. I know that God has blessed me with a gift to teach, but more so a passion to help children grow and blossom into what God has created them to be. I would hate to think that I wasn't able to do that for my child, like I've been there to do it with some many others.

So today was just wonderful as well. Matt let me sleep a little longer and he took Lauren down and they ate breakfast without me. Then we all stayed in our pj's until after lunch time. We finally got ourselves dressed and headed out to do some errands. Lauren fell asleep and we decided to go for a drive, which we use to do more before sweet Lauren came around. We got home, enjoyed play time, made and ate dinner, and finished with a Skype chat with Matt's mom. Every part of today was enjoyable.

Now it's time to head upstairs and snuggle with Lauren one more time before we wrap up a day I'm so thankful for.

"...But as for me and my household, we serve the LORD." Joshua 24:15

A sad smile as I remember it all

I've been meaning to write a post about my nursing experience for a while now. I might have to make it into two parts because there is a lot to tell. I feel like it has been such a wonderful experience, but it has sure had its fair share of ups and downs. Mostly I'm writing this so when baby two and maybe three comes along I can remember how it was with Lauren- the good, the bad, and the down right wonderful!

I guess I'll start at the beginning. When I was pregnant I had wanted to nurse my baby, for how long I was unsure, but I know that it was a hope of mine. I didn't want to get my hopes squished like a bug, so I kept telling myself that if something happened that didn't allow me to nurse- life would be just fine. I have had a few friends that really wanted to but for some reason or another it didn't work out for them. I understood that it wasn't a given.

But to prepare, Matt and I signed up for the breast feeding prep class the hospital offered. I chuckle as I remember that Saturday so vividly, since we got a flat tire on our way there. We got off the highway to check out the situation after our tire pressure light came on. I can still hear the "whooshing" when I got out of the car to check it out. LOL, so we had to turn around- driving with the tire flat most of the way home- to switch cars and show up late. I remember being eight months pregnant and holding onto the car like we were on a roller coaster and I was about to fall out. Matt was so calm and just drive us home. I promised the instructor that I wasn't using it as an excuse but we really indeed did get a flat tire on the way. Oh goodness- interesting how this road proved to have its fair share of bumps even before Lauren was born.

So then pop- out comes baby Lauren (lol, if it was just that easy). Lauren failed to latch while we were in the hospital. She was so tiny and she tried but just wasn't very successful. I asked the nurse to have the lactation consultant stop by and the nurse had me start pumping first thing to help my milk come in. The first lactation consultant was not a nice lady. I remember her taking Lauren and just repeatably pushing her onto me, a little more force was used that I felt necessary. She wasn't friendly or understanding at all- just grumpy. Lauren was just crying and crying and so was I. I was frustrated that it wasn't working and my baby wasn't getting feed- even though I know she really wouldn't have been getting much if anything at that point and she was fine. The lady finally stopped using bruit force and calmed me and Lauren down.

They had me continue to pump and I started getting the "liquid gold" as it is so fondly called. They had Matt and I put the liquid into a little plastic syringe looking thing, have her suck on our finger while pushing the liquid from the syringe into her mouth. I have put a picture below in case my description is a little confusing.

Daddy feeding Lauren with this crazy syringe

Then I asked again the second day at the hospital for a lactation consultant to come and help- praying it wasn't going to be the same lady. Thank the Lord it wasn't. This lady was sooo much sweeter and understanding. She was calming and friendly. She tried to help Lauren latch without much success though. I had asked the consultant the day prior about a breast shield and she said that it was something they used as a last resort. I asked on the second day for it as well. I had known about the breast shield because one of my friends, Ashley, had to use one with her first daughter. So after too different consultants Lauren still wasn't latching, I was pumping, and we were feeding her with the syringe.

We left the hospital and headed home when Lauren is less than 48 hours old (since she was born at 11:50 pm, we were sort of jipped a little) and she still isn't latching, but I'm trying at each nursing to get her to. They told us to wake her every three hours and feed her. So after getting home we spend the first night waking a sleeping baby, trying to get her to latch, which results in her crying and then I have to pump while she waits and then I feed her. It was a process that took almost an hour and then we'd be good for two hours and then we'd start all over again. My mom would assist me with all this during the day and then Matt had night duty.

By the Wednesday I was pumping way more milk than would fit in the syringe, but no one at the hospital told me that we should be feeding her whatever amount I was pumping- so we continued to do what they had instructed us, which was nurse her for 15 minutes on each side, then pump and feed her the syringe. Well if she had ever latched she would have been getting ample milk- but she wasn't so all she was getting was 2 cc of milk at each feeding. Instinct told me that wasn't enough. So I called the lactation consultant place on Wednesday and asked what I should do with the extra milk I was pumping. The lady told me to start storing it, when in hind sight I should have been feed it to the poor baby. But no one every told me and I was so tired and beat it never occurred to me.

Now looking back I feel awful because she wasn't eating anywhere near enough and became jaundice and dehydrated because of it. If I had seen the doctor on Thursday it might not have been as bad as it was, but that was Thanksgiving. So we continue this tedious task of every three hours trying to get her to latch- which she never did, pumping, and then feeding her the milk through the syringe until the pediatric appointment.

All of this changed on Friday, the day of our doctor appointment. Now Lauren was born the Sunday before Thanksgiving. We left the hospital on Tuesday. Normally you would head to the pediatrician on the second day of being home. Since that was Thanksgiving, we had to wait until Friday. That morning I was telling my mom how absolutely grateful I was that we were headed to the doctor because instinct told me this craziness were were doing with this stupid syringe just didn't feel right. We didn't have an appointment with a specific doctor because it was just an open day where you showed up and got who you got since it was the day after Thanksgiving. Thankfully when the nurse took us back she asked how everything was going and I said that Lauren was doing great but we were really struggling with nursing. She said that she would get Dr. "T" because she was great with nursing mothers.

Well Dr. T was an angel from heaven that God placed on this earth for Lauren and I. She is wonderful and I will forever love her for what I'm about to tell you because if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to nurse my daughter- so Amen to God for his angels!

Lauren at her first doctors visit

Dr. T came in and she had me show her what I had been doing. I've never been so unshy in my life about showing a complete stranger my "private" parts. If this lady was going to help me I was going to do whatever needed to be done- I think it is one of those mother instincts. So I showed her how I was nursing and she wasn't latching. She checked her suck and said that it was great. I told her how we'd been feeding her. One of the first question then out of her mouth was if I'd tried a breast shield- I about had my eyes bug out of my head. I told her how I had asked twice at the hospital for one and they wouldn't give it to me. She said that she usually had some on hand but didn't at this office location, so she looked it up on Target's website and found they had some, so she sent Matt across the street to pick them up. In the mean time she gave us a small bottle of newborn formula to give Lauren- which that little girl just started sucking down because she was so hungry!

Matt came back within ten minutes, we were nervous that since it was "Black Friday" it would take a while, and we put it on and my daughters eyes lite up. She just went to town and nursed like she had been longing for this moment all her life (a whole four days, hehe). I was so happy and angry. Happy that she was nursing, but angry that she had been under feed because the stupid lactation consultants could have prevented those four days of pain and anguish if they weren't so - hum how do I put this- open to the fact that nursing with help is better than not nursing at all.

I sure left that appointment high on life. Things became so much better after that. We were still having to wake her at night because she hadn't regained her birth weight yet (she was no where close with the little food that she was getting). We hit another bump in the road when she wasn't latching right because she would get her tongue all wrong and milk would be everywhere. Now mind you I was pumping after nursing still- and I eventually did that less and when I stopped pumping my supply went down. I was all nervous about that. But another friend and angel of God told me about the "Mother's Milk" Tea. So I started drinking that, which I continued for the next six months.

We eventually got the hang of it and had a nursing schedule of nursing for 30 minutes (15 on each side) every three hours. It was a heaven sent once she gained her birth weight back and we didn't have to wake her at night. She was, and still is, a good sleeper. It wasn't long after we stopped waking her that she was moved into her crib to sleep.

At around three months I headed back to work. Our routine at that point was me waking her up to nurse at 5 am. Then I would pump her first bottle. I would pump twice at work- once when my students had specials (10:30) and then again at the end of the day (3:30). I would come home and nurse her at 5 and again at 8:30-9. She would get three bottles of expressed milk during the day. Since I pumped so much when I was on maternity leave and then twice while at work there was a never ending supply for the sitter to give her.

Once she turned six and a half months old and I was done working, our schedule changed again. I stopped pumping (woohoo!) and we started waking her up at 7 and nursing then. I had NO desire to continue to wake at 5 am. She would nurse at 7, 9:30, 12:30, 2:30, 5:30, and again at 9:30. I moved the night feeding back so she would sleep longer in the morning. She was also able to nurse more effectively and get her fill in just 20 minutes. I felt like I was winning the lottery. Ten minutes on each side made the process seem so much faster and I enjoyed it more.

Then at around seven and a half, eight months she dropped the 9:30 feeding. She was more interested in napping/sleeping than eating. At about eight and a half, nine months she dropped the 2:30 feeding. Again she wasn't eating well at that feeding and if she did her 5 o'clock feeding was horrid, but once I dropped that one she ate just fine each day at 4. So now at ten months old, her schedule is 20 minutes (10 on each side) at 7, 11, 4, and 9:30.

The next thing I plan on doing is dropping her nursing at 11 and giving her expressed milk I have saved up in a sippy cup. I've been giving her water in a sippy cup to "train" her how to use it. I have so much milk stored that it will go bad if I don't use it up, so I'm sad about nursing even less, but I need to get a grip and start letting her grow up.

Wow, to say this is a long post is an understatement, but I just wanted to get it all down before I forgot the story. It feels like forever ago that I was experiencing it all and I know it won't be long before I can't quite remember all the details. Just glad that I was afforded the opportunity to do this for my daughter for as long as I have. Right now my plan is to ween her by her first birthday. I'll keep you posted on how that works out for us.

Mother Goose Story Hour

Lauren and I visited the library for story time today. It was a wonderful success! My good friend Heather has taken her son and told me about how fun it is. I wanted to go this summer, but life proved to be busy enough without it, so I waited until the fall. This session (they seem to go for six weeks and then there's a break before going for another six weeks) started last week but Matt was home for his birthday so we didn't go. I was nervous that was going to matter- but it didn't at all.

They offer the "Mother Goose" story hour at multiple libraries in our county but most of them hold the 9:30 time slot. This wasn't going to work for us. She has her nap around 9:45 and Lord knows after a week without naps, this little girl needs them. I did find the library closest to Matt's work had theirs at 11:30. I thought- hum, I could swing that one. It's hard because I'm still nursing her and 11 is one of the four times I'm still nursing her during the day. I figured if I just went upstairs and made a little noise around 10:45, then she would stir herself awake and could nurse a little earlier, and then we'd be able to make it to the library on time. And it worked!

We showed up and waited for a minute or two for the story time room doors to opened. There were lots of other moms standing around with their babies and toddlers. When we walked in there was a sweet little girl who looked right about Lauren's age, but I was so nervous I just smiled and walked past. Another mom with older children talked with me and then the librarian rang the bell and we were ushered inside.

I wanted to try and sit next to the little girl and her mom we'd seen when we walked in and it worked out. But low and behold, once we sat down I noticed Lauren had lost a shoe! I looked around but didn't see it anywhere. I figured we lost it in the library while we were waiting. I didn't want to lose my spot next to the little girl so I asked the mom to watch Lauren, KNOWING it would be so much faster to scoot out and look for it by myself. She said sure and within thirty seconds I found it and was back sitting down. I was so nervous- I felt like it was the first day of school for me! I know, I know- I'm a dork to be nervous for a library story time.

Anyway, we made friends with the little girl and her mom and lingered at the end so that we could keep talking. Esther, that's the woman's name, also stays at home. We exchanged email addresses and talked about getting together for walks, going to the park, and Children's Museum. I was such a school girl, hehehe! I called Matt all giddy and excited about Lauren's and my new friends. Since we were in the area (lol, Matt only works ten minutes down the road from where we live and two minutes from the library) we stopped by to see daddy. He road with us while we got gas; silly idiot light was on because the pumps worn't working when I was out Saturday night grocery shopping.

I think it's funny because Esther looks like our friend Liz from back home, she was comforting because of that. I'm trying to get myself out there and make friends, not only for Lauren, but for myself as well. I'm a social girl and as much as I enjoy the quiet of the house sometimes, I need adult interaction. Lauren needs to interact with other babies her age too. We don't have family around to rely on. It makes me sad that Finn and Lauren are so close in age and we don't live closer. Shauna and mom keep telling me they're going to move down here in a few years. I pray that it happens but don't want to get my hopes up.

So anyway, I found a moms/play group online in my area and have emailed the lady who seems to lead it, but I haven't heard back. I'm okay if I don't but I've just been praying that we don't go bonkers in the house alone. Having Noah here Mondays and Fridays is going to be great for Lauren too. It was so sweet yesterday how they "played" with each other. He's six and a half months and Lauren is nine and a half, so they more or less co-existed. But a few times she gave him a toy to play with and he smiled at her. I know once they're toddlers it will be so much more fun for them. Just grateful for God's blessings today and wanted to share!

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

Top Ten Things Lauren is up to...

Top Ten List:
Top Ten Things Lauren is doing these days...

10. Pulling out every CD from the rack and book from the shelf in the office
9. Sliding down the slid on mommy's lap at the park
8. Crawling on her knees
7. Chasing down Annabelle and "petting" her or yelling in her face
6. Being silly with daddy and laughing at his antics
5. Sleeping without a paci
4. Reading her books (okay maybe she's just babbling at an open book, but I call it reading)
3. Following mommy throughout the house
2. Using a sippy cup and straw

1. Giving the best hugs on the planet!

Getting the booty back in shape!

This booty needs a little kick. A few years back I took up running to get into shape. I never really enjoyed running before then- but needed something simple that I could do and we have lots of road races around where we live so I was inspired to start running. I'm very glad I did. I enjoy it for the quite time. I think that is one reason I wasn't fond of running when I was younger because I never really wanted quite time. Now, however, I very much appreciate solitude. It is also a great time to chat it up with God (check out yesterday's post for proof).

I haven't run a race or run too much at all since finding out I was expecting Lauren Shea. In fact, I ran a 10K four days before finding out I was prego and then didn't run to much after that. I still tried to get to the gym- love to Zumba! But working out fell to the wayside. Now that I'm staying home and don't have to contend with work and guilt for leaving Lauren again I have been inspired to get my booty back in gear.

I signed up for a race in November. It's a 8K, which I've never done, but I'm looking forward to one less mile (hehehe, lazy runner that I am). My training started this week and I haven't been as disciplined as I need to be. My schedule is as follows: Mon. - run "x" miles, Tues. Zumba, Wed. Pilates, Thurs. run "x" miles, Fri. run "x" miles. I take the weekends off, or use them as a back up if one my nights during the week get's busy. The first week I needed to run 1 mile and then add a half mile each week after.

This week I only completed Wednesday and Thursday. But Monday and Tuesday I was thrown off because Matt was off work. Then Friday we went for a family walk at one of the local parks, so I ran this morning.

I feel very blessed that Matt is so great with Lauren that I can trust that they'll enjoy their special time, while mommy gets a little "me" time. I'm looking forward to getting this booty back in shape and pray I'll be more disciplined next week.

Me running my last race - little Lauren is in the picture too, we just didn't know it yet!

Running- sometimes in cirlces...

If you read my post from yesterday you can tell I was pretty down and out with the nap (or lack of nap) situation. I was at my limit and looking over the edge. My poor baby just needed to sleep and she needed it bad. I might not look just like my baby girl (she takes after daddy in the physical feature department) but she most certainly takes after my sleep habits. She has always enjoyed and needed naps and sleep at night. After six days of not napping or napping for just a wink or two she was pathetic!

When Matt got home last night I was desperate and he could tell. I needed to run so he said we should all go. Now my husband does not enjoy running at all, so I know he knew I was hurting. He decided to take Lauren to the left and walk with her, while I ran to the right. Our neighborhood is exactly a one mile loop- mighty convenient! While I was running God and I were having a conversation. I was more pleading than talking with him about the situation Lauren and I were in. I was telling him I couldn't do this much longer and I knew He could help me- I was begging for help.

Well AMEN!! It came. Today Lauren Shea went down for her morning nap at 9:50 (my mom and discussed that maybe she wasn't tired enough at 9 and I should wait a little longer). She was out cold within 8 minutes. Sleeping in her crib like a big girl with no paci! She slept for a whole hour. This my friends is an act of God if I've ever seen one. All praise and glory goes to Him! Then I got nervous for the afternoon nap. We took a trip to the library just before nap, and I was trying to keep her awake in the car on the way home and she was in her crib and asleep in 7 minutes. She only slept for thirty-five minutes this go round but she woke happy and excited to see me. I can't praise our Lord enough!

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17

"... I take one step forward, you take two steps back..."

I feel like that crazy Paula Abdul song- yesterday we at least got two naps in. Today, she's slept- ZERO minutes for nap. I wrote my pediatrician an email- I don't know where to turn. I'm doing what the "book" says and it's not working! My mom keeps telling me to relax and give it two weeks. It makes sense to give it two weeks, but I'm just so broken up after each cry session- I don't feel like I can last two weeks. I can't even call it nap time in my head anymore. It's more like Cry Fest '11.

Can you tell I've gone mad from it all! I just feel like I'm torturing her. And for today's nap she's served up a side of "gotcha." Where she will be quite for a bit, so I think she's falling asleep, then the moment I've got my hopes up she starts crying out again.

Part of me just wants to cry along with her. I feel like she shouldn't even "remember" the paci at this point. The pediatrician was just saying at her nine month check up that she has a very short, short memory and attention span- so why does it feel like she has this longing for her paci after six days?!

I think I might need to check into a funny farm if this doesn't work itself out. I'm just out of ideas. I just keep praying and praying- is this one of those times when God is answering my prayers and I'm just not hearing him or I'm looking in the wrong direction? I've never felt like a bad mommy until this. I feel like my intention are correct. She should be able to sleep without a paci at nine months old. Really after an hour of crying, does she even know what she is crying for? I'm just broken down and torn. I'm pleading with God for some answer, some solution, some way of helping her without creating a new "habit" for falling asleep. I feel like I'm screaming to an empty room and all I hear are my own echos.

I know that God doesn't ever leave us- but I'm felling mighty alone right now. I'm trusting that he'll help me but feeling pretty high and dry, and that feels pretty yucky! Can I really last for one more week of this?! I can, I can, I can- that's what I keep telling myself. I can! But I'm not sure I believe it...Oh Father- help me!!!

Slow & Steady

So update on the sleeping situation: bedtime = gold star! Last night (that is the fifth night) she went to sleep without a peep. Matt and I looked at each other with excitement and joy last night. Go us!! Go Lauren!!

Nap time isn't as grand, but better. Yesterday for morning she fell asleep after twenty minutes of crying. Then, because she was in a crazy uncomfortable looking position, Matt went in to move her. Big mistake! She woke to cry for an hour. Then we went to get her 9 month pictures taken and she fell asleep on the way home in the car. Matt tried to transfer her to the crib and that didn't work out and again lead to more crying. Today I was on my own, and with Matt back at work I was nervous. She however went down with only twenty minutes of fussing a Gus for both naps. She slept for thirty-five minutes in the morning and thirty minutes in the afternoon. Progress!

I'm hoping and praying for her to cry less tomorrow and sleep longer. She is so tired each night. She is used to two one to two hour naps a day and she hasn't gotten that since last Friday. I just keep praying for God to send his angels and know that she'll get the hang of it. Slow and steady- but all that matters is that we're now moving in the right direction.

"...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

9 months already!!!

I can't believe it's been nine months already (plus a little because it's taken me a while to get time to write this post). My little girl has already been out in the world longer than she was in my belly. That just blows my mind. She's getting so big too. She does so much. I feel like everyday I'm writing something new on her calendar and clapping and smiling at her accomplishments. I'm in aw and amazement everyday.

I look back on all the prayers and tears that got us here and it feels so rewarding. She is our miraculous baby. A blessing from God. A ray of sunshine on any day. She is my baby.

My sweet baby girl

I still pray daily for this blessing of mine

For she is sweet like ripe grapes on a vine

Each day she grows,

I count and kiss her little toes

With her eyes so bright,

I can see God's heavenly light

Each day I wonder what will be

Because she is so heavenly

My heart is ripe with love for her

I can see God's love within for sure

Will she ever be herself again?

Here we are again a day later and a day more exhausted. Yesterday we put her down for her morning nap and she cried for an hour again, but did fall asleep for twenty minutes. I was so excited I was thinking- progress, we're making progress!!!! After church she passed out on the way home. We had a few errands to run so she got a good forty minutes of sleep in the car. Then we had afternoon nap to contend with.

This time when we put her down we only let her cry for about a half hour and then I went in and got her (I'm upset with myself for doing this now- but I couldn't take it any longer then). So again, by Sunday night she was just done- all energy was expended. She was miserable and ready for bed. We went through the night time routine and she only cried for about forty minutes before passing out. The sad part again is when she passed out, she just leaning forward at the waist. The little girl just doubled over. I went in there once she was out cold and rearranged her (she didn't wake at all). I couldn't let her sleep all night like that.

Matt really helped me through it Sunday night- I was just beat and done. He really stepped up and talked me through it. I'm so grateful for his support.

I'm a glass half full type of girl- so the bright side is that she has slept through each night and woken up at 6:50-7 each morning without any issues. Well the first morning (Saturday) she woke up earlier and cried, but we didn't go get her until 7, because that is wake up time in this house and I'm not getting out of that routine. So the silver lining is that Sunday and Monday morning have been wonderful, she wakes up and lays in her crib babbling to herself until Matt or I comes in to get her.

Day three and morning nap was a fight. We put her down at nine, like we have been, but today we decided to not get her out until it has been in her crib for two hours. This sounds so painful and it was, but my reasoning is that she usually sleeps for two hours, and I think when we were pulling her out of the crib after the half hour we weren't giving her a chance to "fall asleep." I was afraid that naps from now on would be her crying for a half hour and then me rescuing her- only for her to never actually nap. She was on such a wonderful schedule before we took away this paci- I'm not willing to give that up and for her to be exhausted and miserable daily. So anyway, it took her an hour and forty minutes to finally pass out for morning nap. Again slumped over from exhaustion.

I busied myself with laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and writing this blog to get me through it. She woke after only twenty minutes of napping, but I feel like being optimistic- afternoon nap will go better!

Now I want to add that we aren't just leaving her to the dogs up there. We have been using a "controlled cry" technique. This is how it works. We lay her down, after five minutes of crying we go in and say "Mommy loves you, go to sleep", then after ten more minutes one of us goes in and says it again, then after fifteen more minutes we do the same routine. After that you go in every fifteen minutes and say "Mommy loves you, go to sleep." Now the SuperNanny website said that you don't touch them to sooth them because that is a positive reinforcement for the crying. They cry and you sooth them- then you've started a new habit.

As we continue- I'll keep posting.

"and call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.” Psalm 50:15

Did I wait too long?

We've taken away Lauren's pacifier (aka paci). I was a huge fan of the paci when she was little. It worked wonders with calming her and helping her sleep. It was about middle of summer that I began wondering when to ween her from this wonderful contraption.

So, of course I went to Heather and asked her when she got rid of it. Her reply wasn't a good one because it started with "You're not going to like my answer..." And sure enough I didn't. She had weened all three kids around 3/4 months. She referenced the "Happiest Baby on the Block" man, who said that they really don't need it after this point because by then they can self sooth. Well it wasn't a good answer because Lauren was well in her way to eight months old. My response was "Why didn't you tell me this sooner woman!"

Now mind you, at this point she was only getting the paci in the car and at bed. I am not a fan of the paci just hanging out in the babies mouth for no real reason. She was a pretty content child and only needed soothing at those times. So, after this conversation Matt and I talked about it and we decided to only have her using the paci at night- no car. This wasn't that bad of a transition. I was a little nervous because we had a 4 hour car trip to the beach coming up- but I knew we could do it since she is really good in the car anyway. We all survived just fine.

So the next mountain to climb was getting rid of the paci at sleep times. We waited until now to do this (she's just over nine months). My girlfriends Marie and Amy gave me the shove. Marie because we were chatting about sleeping and I was saying what a wonderful sleeper Lauren was but that we still where doing the paci thing. Then as I thought about it, she would occationally wake up in the middle of the night and Matt would go in and give her the paci and she would fall back asleep. This would happen in the early morning too. So, was she a good sleeper or not? Amy gave me the shove because she was going to do stop rocking Noah to sleep and start letting him do it on his own. He doesn't use a paci to start so she was breaking him of the rocking habit only. Noah is also three month younger than Lauren.

After both of these conversation I decided let's do it and Matt fully agreed. So we started Friday night with no paci. She cried for about 45 minutes and then passed out. I was thinking- oh that wasn't bad. Then then next day came and we put her down for a nap. She cried for an hour and never actually slept a wink. I got her up and scratched that nap. Then for her afternoon nap, same thing crying for an hour so I got her up. She usually sleeps between one and two hours for each nap, so by Saturday night this girl was EXHAUSTED!!!! She was beside herself. Saturday night after our bedtime routine she cried for about an hour and then passed out sitting up right. It was a sad and pathetic site.

Mind you each time I put her down my heart was breaking and I just wanted to run in there and get her up. I kept praying for God to calm her and lay his hand upon her. I prayed for God to put his angels around her and me so that we will make it through. I know she's in no physical pain and that she is just testing her boundaries. This is a big transition for her. I feel like i keep second guessing myself. Maybe I waited too long, maybe we should have let her keep it longer. Maybe...

I plan on posting again and letting you know how this whole crazy thing pans out. In the mean time, pray for me!

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

What is perfection?

I often wonder what perfection is. The usually answer I give myself is "a state of mind." If you think everything is as it should be then, it is. If you think everything is not, then it isn't. Real logical I know. When I think of perfection, I usually don't associate it with myself, but with my surroundings. Is the house perfectly in order? This is a question that haunts me. Before Lauren I would spend the better part of a weekend cleaning the house. I would keep everything as clean as it could be without going insane (and believe me I was close to insanity a few times). Once she was born, cleaning was a bonus to my day and if it got done- woohoo for me. Now that I'm home and she's a little older, I find myself seeking the household perfection once more.

I often tell myself it's my parents that made me this way. My mom is pretty chill, things were clean, but cluttered. When we were growing up and she was working full time with two kids, messy was to be expected. My dad and step mom on the other hand were the complete opposite. They were clean and orderly with minimal clutter (they were only picking up after us four days a month, so this was more attainable). But really- it is of my own doing and not them. I feel better when things are clean. It brings a peace to me, like a good night's sleep or a run would. I find joy in cleaning and I use it as stress relief.

So you might be asking yourself (if you've kept reading this long) why I'm blogging about perfection and cleaning- well I had an epiphany that the only thing perfect this world has ever seen is Jesus. I'm not Jesus so I need to relax and expect that things in life are going to get a little messy. The world isn't perfect and I shouldn't try to attain perfection in it. I'm just going to keep disappointing myself if I'm constantly seeing that things aren't "as they should be."

Now I don't plan on letting the house go to the dogs, but it's my goal to relax and enjoy the imperfections of my day. I'm hoping that with my new mindset I won't get so cranky when the world doesn't go as planned or I don't get everything done that I wanted to. This will be hard for me, no doubt. But I need to remember "The righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from the all." Psalm 34:19

So here's to my fall resolution- to embrace the day and let the house get a little dirty!