Three Months of Love

 Lord, teach me how you want me to live.

   Do this so that I will depend on you, my faithful God.

Give me a heart that doesn't want anything

   more than to worship you.

Lord my God, I will praise you with all my heart.

   I will bring glory to you forever.

Great is your love for me.

   You have kept me from going down into the place of the dead.

Psalm 86:11-13

Audrey's Big Day!!!

I guess first I need to introduce the newest member of our family:

Audrey Ruth

Born: April 19th

6 lbs. 4.5 oz. & 19 inches long

So here it is 1 month later and I'm finally getting around to writing her sweet birth story. The story I was praying about for months and wondering what it would be like. This month has flown by and each moment/day seems to go at lightning speed. I truly enjoy every stage and age of childhood, so I get so sad when one passes but then excited for what's to come- it's a confusing thing I know. But oh what joy it's been to have a sweet little baby in the house again! We love her more and more with each passing moment. I've so enjoyed watching her big sisters love on her and having her add to the love/crazy in our house. We're truly blessed beyond measure!

Well where to begin? I'll start with week 37 of pregnancy and go from there because that's when my body started making me nuts and keeping us wondering...

So both Lauren and Olivia were born just over 37 weeks so I wondered if that was my body's limit. So at 37 weeks 1 (a Friday) I had an OB appointment. I woke that morning having some contractions. This is normal, to some degree, for me towards the end of pregnancy but that morning they seemed a little more 'regular' as I woke at an early hour to prepare for the appointment. The plan was that we were dropping Lauren and Olivia at Esther's house and then Matt and I were heading to the appointment. Well that was until I got a text from Esther that poor Evan had been up all morning sick. So as I was getting ready I was racking my brain as to who else could help us. Well since it was Good Friday, Robin didn't have school so I called her and she was able to jump in at the last minute. Problem solved! Well about ten minutes later Matt was putting on his socks and he did something to make his back get messed up. I know putting on his socks of all things, but my dad herniated a disk in his back putting on his socks so you just never know. Well Matt was in obvious pain and at one point asked me to help him walk...while I was having a contraction! I immediately started to panic...what if I am in early labor, then what?!?! He was in no way going to be able to hold a leg let alone do any other helping during labor. So then I called my great friend Heather, the only person in town I would even consider being in the labor room with me, and in panic mode asked if she could help out if this was the day. She said she could do it and to keep her posted. Things seemed to spiral into craziness as the morning continued. I got nervous as the contractions continued so I said we should bring the bag with us, just in case. I was so anxious and in wonder- was this the day??

At the appointment I told my doctor about the contractions and she got right to checking me and I was 1 cm and 'ripe' (such a nice term). She asked if I had timed them and I laughed and told her I hadn't even thought of it with our busy, hectic morning. She hooked me up to a monitor and left me there. She tended to other patients as Matt and I sat. It seemed that as I 'relaxed' (as best I could under those conditions) so did my body and the contractions slowed. I had a few spaced out contraction but the monitor had been hooked up wrong so they didn't even register. When she came back 45 minutes later I just wanted to leave, go home and sleep. So back home I went, off to work Matt went, and sweet baby girl stayed right where she was. Later that evening the contractions came back and were very regular but not very strong- an hour later they were gone altogether.

That was Easter weekend and I spent the whole weekend wondering if it was time. I kept trying to think of anything else I needed to do to prepare. And this is when I also started praying and praying fervently that when the time did come that there was nothing dramatic about it. I prayed to God for a quiet exit to the hospital where I simply had a baby and that was it. No drama, just baby.

And my poor mom was just on call waiting to book her plane ticket so she could be here to help out. She was hoping our baby girl would stay in a little longer since she had a 'can't miss' doctors appointment on the 9th that couldn't be rescheduled. 

Well the week continued, days filled with contractions and no labor. I got to the point where I would just ignore them and go about my day. I just remember being more and more exhausted as each day passed. I would get to the point of having nothing left to give each day by lunchtime- after that I was running on fumes. Only by the grace of God did I continue to put one foot in front of another. Thankfully and unfortunately the month of April was fairly empty since I was planning on having a baby sometime in that month so I didn't plan anything just in case. Well some days I was so thankful since I was just big and done and then other days I needed distractions and something to keep my mind off being big and done.

My next appointment was a week later (38 weeks), also on Friday morning. This time we just took both girls with us. I was not in fear of going into labor during the appointment so I had no problem with bringing them. We brought a wonderful sticker activity book to occupy them and told them that when the doctor came into the room they had to sit with daddy behind mommy while I talked with her. They did wonderfully. She checked me again and I was a "soft 1 cm." I really wonder who comes up with these terms! Well as my sweet little ones were keeping daddy's hands full I asked my doctor about induction.

My doctor broached the subject with me two weeks earlier and since I was so used to giving birth early I didn't even give it a second thought. Then I started to think about it more and more as the days passed. I just kept thinking about how it would really help with planning and my mom and I also thought about how it would help me relax and enjoy the last days of pregnancy as much as I could. Plus, my doctor might actually, finally deliver one of my babies if we went this route- she missed Olivia by ten minutes!  She was open to it and told me how it would all work. She also informed me that the last five patients she had scheduled for an induction went into labor on their own before hand. So that gave me hope that I would too. So we went ahead and got the ball rolling. Later that day, after the appointment, the doctors office called to tell us that we were scheduled to be induced on Monday, April 20th. They gave me all the pertinent information and that I would need to come in on the following Thursday to do all the pre-registration stuff. I got off the phone with mixed feelings.

I really wanted to go into labor on my own- I started praying now for a drama free labor that happened on it's own. I prayed and I prayed most of all for the strength to trust in Him who knows all. To trust and believe that He had it all worked out and if induction was His plan- than that was that and I didn't need to worry about it. But you know how God works- sometimes he takes us down a road that looks to us like a detour but what is to him the right road all along. 

I only spoke of the induction to my mom, Esther (since she was going to take my kids) and another prayerful friend. I know all three of those women were praying hard for me. I am eternally grateful to them for that love. 

Now that we had a set date on the books for our sweet girls potential arrival and it was now passed my mom's important doctor appointment, we could plan for my moms arrival to our house. My mom called me the Sunday following the 38 week appointment and said that her and my step-dad Bill had talked it over and they thought it would be best for her to head our way at the end of the week so she could help me out before and be here a little early incase Audrey came sooner too. My exhausted self was so glad to hear that help was on the way. God knew I needed it!! He always provides for us- Amen!!! I was praying then that the baby wasn't born Monday because that would have made for craziness but thankfully she was still tucked safely inside and content to be there. 

My mom arrived on Wednesday evening. The moment I knew her plane had arrived I let out a breath of relief and relaxed a lot. It was nothing but the grace of God that my mom provided us in those few days leading up to Audrey's birth. Especially since that Thursday I had the pre-registration appointment, right during nap time, that took two and a half hours and cost us $500 (oh we'll get our money back but not until after the hospital and the insurance company go through that long drawn out process of settling the bill- so annoying). Then the next day, Friday again, I had my 39 week OB appointment. So my mom babysat for both appointments- heaven sent!! At this early morning appointment my doctor checked me and said I was a generous 2 cm and said she would like to see me Monday morning already in labor and if I went over the weekend then it was very unlikely that she would be there due to personal obligations (she was throwing a fundraiser at her house for an early childhood preschool program for abused children- she's truly a wonderful lady). At this point I wasn't sure I cared who delivered my baby as long as she somehow made her way out. My doctor also wanted to do an ultrasound that day to check baby's weight. Another time I was overjoyed my mom was in town. So I left that appointment, got home, we all went grocery shopping, then headed back to the doctors for the ultrasound.

It was so cool to have my mom at an ultrasound- she had never had one before and this was her first chance at seeing her newest grandbaby and seeing an ultrasound. The girls came too, and they loved it. The tech gave both of them their very own picture. It was cool for me too, since I had never had an ultrasound so late into my pregnancy. Oh seeing her on the screen made me even more excited for her impending arrival.

After the ultrasound we headed to meet daddy for lunch since we were all starving and Matt works 5 minutes from the hospital. Plus, I was excited to show him the ultrasound pictures. But when we came home from that morning/afternoon I was exhausted to the core, we all were. I was grateful for mom then too, as she cooked dinner and helped with the kids too.

Saturday came and so did some time for rest. It was eighty degrees that day so we set up the pool out back. Matt mowed the lawn and mom and I rested in chairs on the deck watching the girls enjoy the first hot day of the season. As the day progressed so did the intensity of my contractions. During nap time mom and I went for a walk. During the walk she said "I have a feeling about tomorrow." I laughed and told her I've had a feeling about a lot of days when my contractions seemed more intense but I continued to brushed them off.

After dinner that night mom said we should go on another walk, "we're going to walk this baby out" she said. The girls road bikes and I waddled along. Mom took a picture of all of us (I need to get that from her) and told me "you got to look at this Jennifer, you look huge!" Yeah, just what I wanted to hear and see- big ol' Jennifer, no need to remind me- Thanks mom. I know she could just see it, see that I was done. I knew I had just a day left until for sure we were headed to the hospital so I took it in strides. That night I headed to bed around 9:00 with not an ounce of energy to have a care in the world.

At 12:35 am I awoke to a pretty strong contraction. I again didn't think much of it. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I had awoke to a few strong contractions only to fall back immediately back asleep- that's how exhausted I was! But I got up this time and headed to the bathroom. It was there that I realized what was going on, the fog lifting. I laid down only to have another contraction tell me that it's time! I woke Matt, also exhausted. He was so tired that he fell back asleep after he asked why I was waking him. He seriously fell back asleep three times after me telling him it was time to get up and start timing the contractions and start packing the bag. Each time I told him that and each time he'd fell back asleep forgetting anything I said. This annoyed me to no end so I started fussing at him and my tone was one of a very frustrated wife. It was then that he started waking only to fuss at me for fussing at him while he was trying to sleep!! Oh we were so tired. Finally, he got up and watched me breath through a few strong contraction as I was running around the room throwing things into the hospital bag while looking over my check list. After he was alert we both apologized for being so harsh and got to work. The contractions were like clock work 5 minutes apart and very obviously strong so we called the doctor.

I was feeling a little stinky from the hot day and all the walking and since I was too tired before bed to shower I wanted to hop in for a quick shower to freshen up. Since the doctor could take up to thirty minutes to call back I jumped in, only to have her call back in like two minutes- go figure. So Matt answered and talked to her. He came into the bathroom and had her on speaker phone. She made me laugh because she could hear me breathing through the contraction and she said "I think it's time to get out of the bath and head to the hospital." Oh I was planning on it doc!

We quickly finished up, Matt headed upstairs to tell my mom we were on our way out. She was awake already, she said that she heard us moving around down there and knew that it was time. Then we were out the door. Oh the ride there- the contractions were not easy to take sitting down. I remember just being so glad it was the middle of the night and the road was empty, allowing for a quick trip. It only took fifteen minutes but all three contractions I had in the car were not easy- I wanted to be up- it was so much easier to handle them walking around. 

We parked by the Women's wing and walk to the emergency room entrance, having a few contractions along the way. Matt check us in at the kiosk as I breathed through another few contractions. The emergency room check-in nurse called L&D. He was very anxious to get me up there and told me I had to ride in the wheelchair so I didn't have the baby right there. The L&D nurse who met us at the elevator said he looked very nervous and it made her laugh.

She wheeled me into the room and one of the first questions out of their mouths was "Do you want an epidural?" I said no. I was going to try again to have another natural birth- lots of prayer for that throughout the pregnancy. I told them I labor rather quickly and also that I had been scheduled for an induction the following day so my chart was already put together. They got me in the bed and checked me. At 2:00 am I was 5 cm and 70%. Wow, I thought, all that walking got me another 3 cm. Only 5 to go! 

The next hour and a half went very quickly. I had two wonderful nurses helping us. I have to laugh at the fact that we had two nurses with two totally different personalities- one just like mine and one just like Matt. One sweet, calm and quiet, and the other bubbly, talkative and encouraging. I am so very grateful for both of them. They had one of the laborist doctors come in at 3:00 am and check me. I was 8 cm and 90-100%. 

For some odd reason she wanted to do an ultrasound on me to make sure baby was head down. I'm not entirely sure why. As far as I knew she had been head down for a month. The lady who did the ultrasound on Friday afternoon never said anything that would indicate she wasn't but she did it and found that baby was indeed head down. It was not something I care to due in the middle of labor contractions but she did it anyway, only to find out all was well.

Shortly after that, I think- things are getting a little fuzzy a month out, my water broke. I was very glad I was laying in the bed at this point. Matt was a champ through the whole thing. He helped rub my back, talked to me (even if one time when I asked him to talk to me he start out by saying "I wonder how long..." in quickly interrupted that thought with "NO! Something else, talk about something else."), and he helped me out in any way I needed it. I know he was tired- it had been a long month, it had been a long week, it had been a long day but he rallied and stayed with me. 

It wasn't much longer before I was telling them I felt the need to push. They checked me again and said I was 10 cm with a little lip. I didn't seem to care about the little lip. I wanted to push. I pushed three or four times and at this point they were already hustling around trying to prepare everything for the baby who was coming soon.

I was happy to find out that the Laborist that was going to deliver her was the same one who delivered Olivia. At least if I didn't get my doctor I got someone I already knew. She was in there helping to prepare everything. Once they got the bed all set up she checked me again and said that there was still a bulge of amniotic sac behind the baby's head so the broke that. After that I was pushing through each contraction. It took a little longer to push her out than Olivia, like 5-10 pushes. 

I need to preface this next statement with the fact that I am NOT, I repeat, NOT a night person. I am a morning girl to the core. So the fact that I was giving birth at 3:30 in the morning would not have been my choice but that is how it was. So after the last big push, yeah she's out. I just flopped back like a sack of potatoes. Then I had a thought- 'oh wait, I need to look at my baby.' so with the little energy I had I sat up and looked at her with tired, relieved eyes and then plopped back down again. I was so glad for her to be there but was so ready to a rest. They then put her on my tummy, so I didn't have to sit up to see her.

Oh she was precious right from the start. I'll let some pictures do the talking now...

We laid together for the first two and a half hours. Matt tried to stay awake through that whole time but he laid down for a bit. I was even tired as the excitement wore off and the room cleared of doctors and nurses. During this time she nursed and we snuggled. I kept saying to Matt "She was just inside me and now she's out." "She's here!" "Wow, I just gave birth to her!" I think it all happened so fast, three hours from when awoke in bed to birth, and I was so tired that I just couldn't believe it had actually happened and that I actually gave birth to her.

The whole pregnancy was very reminiscent of my pregnancy with Lauren- how I felt, what I craved, how I carried and then sure enough she was born with clubbed feet just like Lauren. She was also longer and leaner, like Lauren. Oh I was so excited to finally see her sweetness outside of the womb!! To soak in her preciousness and met her gaze.

My mom brought the girls later that day. They were so excited to meet baby Audrey. They took to her right away, wanting to hold her and give her the gifts they had gotten her- Lauren a Whale lovie and Olivia an animal blanket. They were also excited to find out Audrey had gotten them a little something too. It was so precious. Lauren wanted to wrap her in her blanket and give her her Whale lovie- my heart was overflowing with love. They also got bored of that after a bit and spent the second half dancing around the room and hiding behind the curtain. Oh the joys! Then my mom so wonderfully took them to a birthday party. That day was also their friend Aliana's birthday!

I was so excited that Audrey shares a birthday with my great friend Heather's third child. In fact, Audrey shares some special thing with not only Aliana but her Aunt Carrie too. So here it is. All three girls are third babies. They're all girls- obvious I know. They all have six letters in their first name and four letters in their middle name. Aunt Carrie and Audrey share the same middle name- Ruth. All three girls are born in April. Aliana and Audrey share the same birthday and were born almost twelve hours shy of the same time too - Audrey 3:31 am and Aliana 3:35 pm. It's just really sweet. They will forever be linked in these special ways.

Matt and I enjoyed our two and a half days of quiet time at the hospital. It was our longest hospital stay since she was born so early in the morning on our first day there. Matt took a LONG nap once we made it to the post paradom room on Sunday. I however couldn't sleep, too much excitement. I was looking forward to having my sweet Audrey Ruth back in the room with me. This is when our mini vacation started. I'm tell you it was truly a vacation after the end of pregnancy! Nurses waiting on me, quiet...lots of quiet, I sat for hours at a time with nothing pressing for my attention, food being brought to me with no prep work or clean up to bother either of us, time to talk and reconnect after what seemed like a month or two of chois and crazy with each other, and nothing to do but love on our newest little girl. We watched some TV but spent most of the time with it off and just enjoying the sweet silence and talking to each other with no interruption. It felt so good to get rejuvenated- we needed it!

Before we knew it though it was time to head home and start enjoying life as a family of 5!!! We were so excited, even if it meant our vacation was over. We missed our big girls and couldn't wait for them to start loving on their newest little sister. Life couldn't feel more perfect!

Post-it Notes and People from Above!

This week has just been one of 'those' weeks. Nothing horrible but I'm just so anxious and unsettled and it shows. 

Silly things, little things keep getting me in a big way. Patience is virtue that I don't possess right now. I'm trying. I really am. But the insides keeps spilling to the outside.

I'm so grateful my mom is coming today. I'm so grateful for all of the other blessings that have come from above. We have a great God!

Yesterday blessings come in the form of a friend. Esther and the kids came for some visit time and oh I enjoyed our few moments of adult talk. She also helped pick up my kitchen and make Olivia's bed and was just a blessing to me. Then when I had a moment of reprieve I read a wonderful blog post by Jason (great blog if you want to check it out) and it calmed my soul a bit. I felt like I knew God was giving me just what I needed to not take a long walk off a short pier.

No, these blessings didn't turn me from crazy lady back to normal mama but they reminded me that God is with me. He's riding this roller coaster of life with me! Infact, he's in the car holding my hand as I plunge down the next too steep hill screaming my lungs out.

Today's blessings came in the form of a phone call. Garrett called and poor her she got an earful. I just needed to let it out. I told her how I'm okay with still be huge and tired but I'm not. I don't want to complain about it but man it's taking it's toll on me and my ability to function like a sane woman. Her phone call calmed me as I felt like I was releasing the pressure valve. Then my oldest has been nothing shy of a sweet angel today. She's been helpful, sweet, loving, and calming. Oh how I love her. If that wasn't enough for me to feel God's presence then I read another blog (great too if you want to check it out) that just poured my thoughts into black and white and reminded me I'm not alone...again.

These moments didn't snap me out of my loony toon self but they just remind me to take a breath and keep forging on. This too shall pass. I won't be a huge, hormonal, hot mess forever.

So incase you're having a moment of crazy, or two or fifty-five, like me. Remember you're not alone. Look for your post-it notes from God that will give  you a moment of peace and mercy and grace. Lord knows we need them all!

"I am writing to [Jennifer], my true [daughter] in the faith. May God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord give you grace, mercy, and peace." 1 Timothy 1:2

Hurry Up and Wait

"So I think this is where we hurry up and wait" Dr. B says just about a week ago...

So at my last checkup (37 weeks along, last week) I went in thinking things were happening. I had been having on and off contractions for a few weeks. My body felt like it was moving in the directions of potential labor and that morning I woke up unrested after a horrible night's sleep. I had been woken to a few pretty strong contractions in the middle of the night, one that caught my breath, and I was thinking okay 37 weeks is my limit. Both of my older girls were born just after 37 weeks so this would make logical sense right? Wrong!

The morning appointment had us dropping the girls at Esther's house and heading to the doctors to get checked. Well at 6:15 that morning I got a text saying Evan, her youngest, had awoke with a fever and had gotten sick in the night. So right away I had to switch up plans because after my night of restless sleep and contractions I didn't want to bring the girls with us for fear that they might want to keep me- and as fun as it sounds to have a 4 year old and a 2 year old in the room with me while laboring, I think I'll pass on putting that one in the memory books. So I called in a friend and thank goodness she was able to help us out. So problem solved! Not too bad right? Wrong!

I'm still in bed at this point and trying to get the energy to enter the shower as Matt starts putting on his socks. That's when it happened- he wrenched his back and cried out in pain. Really? Yes, really! Then I started to panic a little, okay a lot, as he hobbled about in noticeable pain. As I got ready all I could think about was how on earth he was going to be any help to me if I was indeed in labor?!? So when I was doing putting myself together for the day I called Garrett and woke her up to ask her, the only person in this state whom I would even trust to be in this position with me, if she would be able to pinch hit for Matt if today was the day. She said she would be able to and that made me feel better, I think. 

Honestly, nothing was going to make me feel better, things just seemed to out of control. After packing last minute things in the hospital bag and the girls "go" bag we were out the door. We drove separately since Matt usually heads right to work (five minutes from the hospital/doctors office) after these appointments. Every song that came on the radio made me cry- it was our local Christian station. Things were just too much. I mean I was ready for her to come but I was not ready for everything to be so up in the air and out of sorts.

We got there and that is when the nausea and hot flashes kicked in. And when I say hot flash I mean like burning hotter than the sun flash. We get into the room relatively fast and the doctor comes in. I told her I've been contracting all night and morning. Her first question "How far apart are they?" I must have looked like a deer in headlights since I was too busy/crazy to even worry about that this morning. I know they were stronger than they had been but I wasn't sure of how much time separated them. I told her about the crazy morning and that I didn't even think to worry about that. She said "let's check you" and then I heard, "oh, you're 1 cm dilated." Really? Two weeks of contractions and I'm 1 cm?! She said that she wanted to monitor me so she called in a nurse and the nurse got me hooked up.

Now mind you that I've not sat for one moment all morning and you'd think I'd be happy, as I usually am, to be resting there. But not so much that morning. I'm three fourths the way naked since they needed my belly bare to hook up the monitor. I couldn't get comfortable on the table no matter how Matt tried to fix the angle of the table back. I was hot, the lights were too bright, and I just wanted to relax which I couldn't seem to do.

We were there for over an hour. The monitor wasn't on right and it didn't pick up a single contraction. Mind you I only had 5 while lying on the table realizing that they weren't as close together as I had been imagining. At this point I just wanted to go home. The doctor comes in to check on me and I must have looked like I had gone through a storm because that is how I felt. She looked at me and said that she could keep me and monitor me more, or I could go home but that right now it looks like we're playing the "hurry up and wait game." I just wanted to go home. I wanted to lay down, I wanted to nap, I wanted someone to rub my back, I wanted someone to tend to my children, I wanted food that someone else made, and I wanted to know if I was in labor or not. She couldn't grant any of that except the 'go home' part. So that is just what I did- well I did stop at a fast food place to get lunch so another part of my 'want' list was granted.

I was just exhausted and it was only 11 in the morning. The whole way home I prayed. Thinking back I'm not sure if my prayers were specific or just for God's presence to carry me through the day. All I know is that I was restless and looking for some of His all powerful peace- you know the "peace that passing understanding" - yeah that kind of peace.

The rest of day seemed to pass uneventfully- thankfully. After dinner that night though I started to contract regularly, enough so that Matt was timing them and they were less than 5 minutes but not very strong. Then as my body as done plenty of times before, they stopped and never came back.

That night a slept so well- I was so tired. Saturday came and went with not much to say. I just remember being in a funk, not happy, not sad, not upset- just in a funk. We prepared for Easter with the girls and I spent the day wondering if she was going to be born on Easter. It was something I had prayed about- since one of our sweet heavenly babies was lost on an Easter I was wondering if this sweet baby in my belly now would be a reminder to us of the circle of life. But no baby on Easter.

Later in the evening on Easter I told Matt I'm glad my prayer wasn't answered the way I was hoping. We had a wonderful day together as a family celebrating the risen Lord and being with each other. The girls were able to enjoy Easter at their house, find their baskets when they got up, go to church, spend the day with their mommy and daddy. I'm glad God made it His was- it was very nice.

That is what my prayers have been lately. For me to not only believe in God's plan for this baby's arrival but to trust Him too. That was the message on Easter Sunday and it was one of those messages were I'm sure Pastor Spencer had wrote that sermin for me specifically. It gave me chills. But it is what I need to do. I need to believe and trust in God's plan.

Our annual Family shot on Easter. We took 30 pictures and this

was the best we got. 

Now a week later I have my 38 week appointment tomorrow. I've been contracting all week again but nothing more than what I've already been dealing with. I've basically started ignoring them and not really saying anything unless Matt or someone asks. They have been nothing super strong, not very regular, and nothing worth fretting over. I'm very interested to see if we've made some progress in the dilation and thinning though. I'm pretty sure we might set a date for induction at tomorrow's appointment- if we make it to that date only God knows. 

I was talking to my MIL about induction and how I'm really up in the air about how I feel about it. I was pretty much induced with Olivia since they had to give me pitocin to regulate my contractions and jump start my body after my water broke and nothing really happened, so I know what to expect. What I think is weird is picking her due date- shouldn't God do that? I guess in a roundabout way He is. I do like that it would make things very drama free. I could even have my mom fly in a day or two before- eliminating my need to have Esther watch them and for their lives to be uprooted in any way. That would definitely be an added bonus. I also think having an end date in sight would allow me to take a deep breath and relax a little more. So now that I write this maybe I'm not as up in the air as I thought- maybe it will be a good thing. 

I know I'm ready to meet her. The girls and Matt are too. I know that whatever day God brings her outside to meet everyone will be a special day filled with blessings that can't be described by words. A day that I hope to remember as long as I live- like pray I do with my other little cuties! Whenever that might be- it will be perfect in a way only God can create. So whenever you're ready God...so are we!!!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6

Toenail Polish

I'm a very reflective person by nature. I learned this when I was student teaching and in college. My supervisors and professors pointed this quality out to me. I guess then I didn't realize that it was a gift I possessed, I merely thought everyone did it, but I guess that isn't the case.

I often spend my quiet moments reflecting on the day or the week. What we've done or not done. Saying small prayer as I think of a person I talked with or a need someone expressed. I also reflect on what I've got coming up ahead and how it's all going to work- filling in my mental calendar. 

My favorite moments to reflect on are the one with girls and life with Matt. The sweet moments of love that glue our days together as a family. Looking at pictures throughout the house always bring me back to when...

I think of the mountains overcome and valleys of days past. I think of how God was there with us through it all, in our hearts and alongside us. 

So as I've gone through this third pregnancy I do the same. But not with a picture, with toenail polish.

This summer my Grandma Rose passed away. This happened at the end of July/beginning of August. After an already emotional spring and summer the girls and I traveled home to honor her life and memory with our family. While we were there Lauren asked me excitedly one day to paint our toenails. I took a mental look at our week and told her that one afternoon while Olivia slept her and I would paint our toenails.

We were both excited to look through Grammy P's stash- all new colors to us making the special moment all the more fun. I found this really pretty and deep lavender and Lauren picked out a pink and blue. Then I noticed a sparkly one I could use as a top coat. We enjoyed our moment in the quiet small apartment. Grammy and Aunt Shauna were gone, Olivia was sleeping, and cousin Finn and Papa were out in the pond fishing so we had the place to ourselves. I think this was the only quiet time we were able to have together all week.

I'm not sure what brand polish I used but that polish stayed on and looked great for a few months. Then as time went on and I became pregnant with the bundle of joy I'm carrying now, I was too sick/preoccupied to remove it. Summer turned to Fall and the once opened toed shoes turned into sneakers and flats as the days got cooler. So I saw even less of a reason to remove the polish. It worn off most of my toes or grew out but hung on strong to my big toenails.

I started noticing the polish in those few brief moments when my toes were uncovered and reflecting on the time I put it on. The tough emotional spot I was in then, filled with loss and sadness. Yet I also think about the sweet moments with Lauren when her and I put it on- the joy we shared together in those few short minutes of quality alone time and pray for us. I think of the baby we lost just a month earlier and then pray for him/her. I think of the baby, the life, I have in my body right now and pray for her. I think of all the love that filled our days since then and pray for it. 

Although at first I just didn't remove the polish out of pure laziness now I leave that last little strip on as a reminder- a reminder of my journey, the mountains and valleys. I think of my Grandma up in heaven.

When my mom called me and told me that they were with Grandma Rose and it wouldn't be much longer before she passed on I cried and thought of how joyful she was going to be in heaven and I asked my mom to tell her something. I ask her to tell Grandma Rose to "Hold my babies in heaven tight for me and give them lots of kisses." My mom later told me she whispered that into her ear as she lay there waiting to walk through heaven's gates. I know she is. I know God is too. With tears in my eyes I pray for them. 

What a journey this pregnancy has been and still is. So when the day comes to deliver her into this world I plan on having my itty bitty strip of nail polish on to remind me of the journey God took us on to get to from the ashes of last spring/summer and onto the life of this spring.

I know the day it finally is gone I'll be a bit sad but I know that it will be God tell me it's time to build some new moments worth reflecting on. Add a new color to garnish those open toed shoes that will come with me as the journey of life continues.

"He replied, 'The LORD, before whom I have walked faithfully, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success...'" Genesis 24:40a

The Girls Top Ten List - Winter 2015

OLIVIA JEAN
2 Years Old

10. She is in love with the Frozen movie and soundtrack- dancing to the songs with her 'cape' on. She calls it "Go" from the song and her favorite is Olaf (O-E)

9. Her and Lauren officially share a bedroom - and most nights they even enjoy sleeping in the same bed. Matt and I find this most adorable!
8. When she hugs you, it is a big gripping hug and sweetness galore! 
7. She loves dancing around and just running all over the place, always moving
6. She recognizes a bunch of letters, thanks to watching big sister learn to write them. She knows: O, L, D, W, M, E
5. She still loves Ellie Night-Night and when she is out of sight she sadly calls for her until she has been located "ELLIE!!!! ELLIE!!!!" and will often sing to her "Rock a bye Baby" - it is beyond precious!
4. She sings "Rock A Baby" to Ellie and loves when you sing it with her too
3. Wearing big girl undies and using the potty all the time!
2. "NO ME!!"- She wants to do everything herself, we're working on "Me, please" She loves putting on her own coat, shoes, and clothes
1. New words- she says like 2-4 new words everyday, it's amazing to watch!

LAUREN SHEA
4 Years Old

10. She is very interested in the soundtracks to movies and has learned to use the Ipod and CD player. She enjoys watching Bug's Life with just the music on.

9. Her and Olivia officially share a bedroom - and most nights they even enjoy sleeping in the same bed. Matt and I find this most adorable!
8. She is becoming the best big sister in the world. She helps Olivia and has fewer moments of selfishness and more moments of inclusion and sharing
7. She is learning to write and can spell a few words on her own- WOLF is a favorite at the moment. She can write her full name with some help with spelling the middle and last name.
6. She loves dance class and no longer needs one last hug but heads in on her own.
5. She loves reading and will memorize her favorite books and 'read' them back to herself. It won't be long...
4. She can zip her own coat and button big buttons all by herself- all of which she taught herself to do
3. She takes showers and washes herself, still needs help with her hair
2. We see less and less toddler and more and more big girl behavior- she's often a big help to mommy and daddy
1. She still prefers being "where everyone else is" and loves that her little sister follows her everywhere (so do mommy and daddy, finally a break!). It takes her a bit to warm up to people but once she knows you, she LOVES you- ask all the ladies at church.

"I think I can, I think I can"

This afternoon I'm feeling like I identify with the little engine that could. I happily took on the large load of toys and chuffed my little engine up the tall, tall hill. But boy is my boiler out of water now and I'm just coasting down that hill- no steam left in this little (or big might be a better way to describe me these days) engine. 

So this past week we had the joy of having my mom and step-dad (Grammy and Papa) here for a visit. To be completely truthful I was not looking forward to the visit. But for reason. You see they are in the process of moving. Not just moving from one house to another, but moving one state to another. We are a good 'way point' on their trip so it made sense for them to stop here and they were absolutely invited to do so. However, moving is stressful- and there was no lack of stress to go around, so I was not looking forward to it entering my house...like things here aren't crazy enough!

Part of the stress was the sudden burst of winter we've been having. I guess the groundhog is the one laughing now (refer to this post if you didn't get my not so funny joke reference). They were hoping to be at our house last Tuesday the 17th, but they weren't quite as ready as they thought and the snow that pounded down on them didn't help. So they actually arrived a week later. Each night during that week we would talk and figure out when they might be here- the wait game is not one I enjoy but it was the nature of the beast that no one could change. Then I wasn't even sure until I called them Monday at 3 pm that they were on their way. They didn't arrive here until well past my bedtime, 10:45ish, Monday night.

Part of the stress, for me at least, was they were bringing their cats. I've said it on here before plenty of times that I do not have a spacious 3,000 square foot house nor do I want one- however this would have been very handy this past week. We put her two cats into our office so we had to move Annabelle's litter box into our bedroom- not my favorite choice but really there was not many other places to put it. My house always feels like it shrinks a little when people visit, as does every ones house I assume. But this added fun with the cats just made it even smaller. Plus, the clean up after they left was, hum how do I say this, oh yeah miserable. But it's over and now my office is the cleanest it's been in a long time (positive thinking).

So this was why I wasn't looking forward to their visit but I love them and just adore spending time with my family since I feel I see so little of them being so far away. And this week was such a blessing in that matter. And God added his sweet surprises in a way only He can. My mom calmed the longer and longer she was here. She helped out a bit with the girls and with things around the house, as did my step-dad. They were able to watch them while I went to my 32 week appointment. Wow, I still can't believe I'm now 32 weeks pregnant- it is all going so fast! We also enjoyed a date night. And it seemed once they settled in and put the stress of the move behind them and I put the stress of their move behind me it was a fabulous time. 

The girls really enjoyed playing with Papa, and Grammy had fun helping with school on Wednesday. My parents even stayed through Friday so that Matt and I could enjoy our first date night in a long, long time. We went to see the movie American Sniper. Wonderful movie and great alone time for Matt and I. Friday night started with a big family dinner out then the girls went home with Grammy and Papa and we headed to the movies. It was nice to come home to sleeping babies and just be able to snuggle into bed.

We kept remarking over and over on Friday how this week flew by and the stress of Monday seemed so far gone. I really do love them. I am getting a little nervous to think that the next time I will see my mom it will be because I've given birth to the baby girl inside my tummy right now- who is kicking, pushing, and tumbling around as I type.

Speaking of my wee little one- can I tell you ever since I hit 30 weeks on the calendar it seems that the third trimester has settled itself right in. My body feels big and continually stretched to it's limits. I swear sometimes she just pushes up against my poor abdomen and tries to make more room for herself. My lower half seems to have swollen with love times a gillion. The aches of pregnancy are settling in and the joy of second trimester is fading fast. I laughed this Thursday at the gym. I went to Zumba but the winter weather had all classes cancelled so I figured I'd hop onto the treadmill and walk my hour away to the hum of the gym noises. But as I walked I could tell my hips had 'repositioned' themselves in the tilted manner as they often do during pregnancy and to be honest it usually continues while I'm nursing too- so about a year and 10 months of this fun. I haven't been to the physical therapist in a while so I wasn't too surprised. But I could tell without a doubt that my legs were two different lengths- it's rather awkward feeling to say the least. I think I noticed it so much since my stride is longer when I walk on the treadmill, as opposed to walking around the house. But Monday morning I will be calling to make an appointment for sure!

Everyone in the house is napping and I'm enjoy the sounds of the washer and dryer as each load of blankets, sheets, and towels gets cleaned. Reflecting on the blessings of this week, a week I wasn't so sure about, has helped me to collect my thoughts and prepare for tomorrow...the first of March!

March holds big meaning to me this year- usually it just signifies the end of birthdays and holidays around here but this year is will be our last complete calendar month of pregnancy. Wow, I just can't believe it's already that time- crunch time as we prepare for baby. Just a few things left on my baby bucket list and we'll be ready! Matt and I were discussing over lunch that we're just five weeks away from when her big sisters came into the world but eight weeks away from her due date if she's more content to stay in there than they were. Oh and some wonderful new to share that Matt came home with on Thursday night- Matt has been at his job long enough that he can take paid paternity leave!! And get this he can take up to three weeks! Yes, you read that right. I don't think he's going to take it all but he said he was thinking about a week and a half would be good. That sounded good to me. He won't have to take any vacation time and it's paid time off!! My mom still plans on coming down right away to tend to the girls while we're in the hospital. It will also be helpful for my mom since she's got limitations due to her conditions. We're all excited all the way around! We love when daddy is home!

So here's to the little engine who keeps on chugging and praising God with each chuff along the way. 

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline" 2 Timothy 1:7

Wet Cement and Love

I almost didn't write today because I'm not in the best of moods. I think I would have to say that being a stay-at-home mom has lots of perks and among my top 10 is not having to be around anyone when I'm in a bad mood. Now you might be thinking I'm a nut (which you would be right to think) because yes I am indeed around my kids 24/7 but they have this way about making me smile when I'm cranky, laugh when I'm sad, or just get over my issues and move on. For some reason other people do not have this effect on me- in fact it is usually the opposite. When I'm forced to be around people they make me more sad, more cranky, and want to scream at the world. So being home when I'm not at my best is the best.

Today was one of those days. I felt like I was moving through wet cement. I was getting stuff done but every time I turned around something else needed my attention. I couldn't get the morning routine done fast enough. It might have to do with the fact that I've been blessed for the past four day with Matt home helping me. I sure did miss his presence today. He had off Monday for President's Day and then yesterday we got a heap load of snow (to my northern friends we just a dusting). So Matt's boss sent an email suggesting they work from home. Matt can't really do that too well since he needs the hardware elements to test the software and we don't have any of that stuff at home. So he get a few hours of work done during nap time that he was able to do from home. But he was ours the rest of the day! So today I was just in slow motion without my partner in crime.

I finally got to starting school an hour later than usual and we got on a roll. We were doing well but we were later than usual since we started later. So it wasn't until I was about to start a new lesson/project that I noticed Olivia standing on the chair funny. Any mom who's ever potty trained knows that look and that stance. Sure enough she had an accident. I felt bad for her- she's been accident free for some time now but her and Lauren had an extra drink this morning and both girls had gulped it down fast. It was also right around an hour and a half since she had gone last so had I been paying attention better I might have helped her to avoid it. We cleaned up the mess and I put her on the potty incase she wasn't all done. With new clothes on I decided to save that lesson/project for later and get started on lunch since it was passed our normal lunch time as well. I put out some grapes and the girls were munching on them as I prepared the rest of lunch. Lauren and Olivia were playing some game too. After getting the plates almost ready I turned around to see Olivia standing there in her wet pants. Again. It had been less than a half hour from her first accident and she never once told me that she needed to used the bathroom. I was frustrated since we had just reviewed how to tell mommy if you have to go, a half hour earlier. But she hadn't so we went through the clean up process again. It has been a long time since she has had two accidents in one day but again I reminded myself about all the extra drink and just took some nice deep breaths. And like any good mom reminded her again to tell mommy if you have to go to the potty.

We finally sat down to eat. Lunch was good and the girls must have been hungry or my cooking is just that good (hehehe) because they ate it all up. I was getting little Olivia's face cleaned up and I said to her, let's go use the potty since we drank so much today. I picked her up only to find that she already had that idea and had yet another accident. Oh by this time I was no longer calm as a cucumber and my patience was out the window. I fussed at her about telling mommy and so on. I got her cleaned up again but this time a little more begrudgingly. Could this day be anymore of a stinker?!?! I was trying to get over the slow morning, the cut short school lessons, and the first two accidents, not to mention the lack of pep in my step and I wasn't catching a break. 

Still I forged ahead and after cleaning up Olivia for the third time, I cleaned up lunch. The whole time I cleaned up I was so grateful for my third baby being in my belly and not adding any more to the crazy. I was thankful each accident had happened in the kitchen allowing for very easy clean up. I was also thinking about how I really didn't want to put my little accident girl in snow clothes now. So as I plopped down in the living room chair, I told Lauren "I think mommy is too tired to go outside and play in the snow." But she looked crushed and said "You can do it mommy." I told you these girls have a way of making me have energy when I feel like there is none left to give and a smile too. So I rallied and we went outside to play in the snow. They played and ran around (okay Olivia just walks like a one year old unsure of how to navigate the snow but Lauren was running) and I shoveled around the cars. Matt had so nicely moved my car back before going to work in hopes that the sun would melt the last bit of snow but there was too much for that so I finished the job. Then we played in the backyard making snow angels and going around in the sleds. Then we decided to build a snowman. Before we knew it, it was time to head in and get ready for naptime.

We got in and undressed from all the snow gear only to find out Olivia had yet again peed in her pants. This time I was too upset for words. I don't mind that she peed per say, this is not what was upsetting me- what I was upset about was that again she didn't say a word to me. I feel like she is very capable to doing this. So I went about getting her cleaned up again. This time though she was the one upset. She cried and cried- not because of me fussing, no. I went back to being that calm cucumber because I was too upset to be upset (you ever get that way?) and I was just cleaning her up with not a word coming from my mouth. She on the other hands was a slobbery mess.

I was also happy the nap diaper was coming on. Always looking for that silver lining.  I already had an extra load of laundry, I didn't need to add sheets on top of that. We got ready for bed with special prayers for handling life's hardships and extra hugs and kisses.

But now I sit here in the quiet of the house. With Olivia sleeping like a sweet baby and Lauren playing trains and it all seems so insignificant. Isn't that funny how we get so caught up in the moment of crazy that surrounds us and when we're removed from it, it doesn't seem so bad. Instead, I am remembering the fun of each lesson we learned at school. Both girls drew a sweet family portrait that melted my heart. We had fun playing outside and building a silly snowman. I enjoyed the small moments where I got to be silly with them or snuggle for a few seconds in between the other stuff. Those are the moments I want to think about as I fall asleep. Those moments that God made just for me and them. These girls aren't going to be this little for long and yes I will remember the crazy but I want more than anything to remember the love. The moments where Lauren runs into the room with a smile from ear to ear to tell me her exciting news or when Olivia just runs to you out of nowhere to hug you and giggle. 

So if this day was slow and not much got accomplished, I pray that what did get accomplished was showing my girls just how much mommy loves them. Weather it is showing mercy, compassion, and forgiveness for a lesson still needing to be learned or by rallying extra energy to make sure they feel special and loved and worth every ounce of my being. I might not have been able to get through half of my school lessons today but I hope that the lesson learned is bigger than anything I can say to them across the table. May my actions, words, and life model to them what true love is - even on the days when I'm walking through wet cement.

 Olivia, Our Snowman, & Lauren

Their family portraits- both of them including their baby sister

without me saying anything- what more could a mama ask for?!

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12, 14