25 Random Things About Me

This is from 2009- Found it funny to look back at my answers.

25 Random Things About Me
1. I love to clean my house. I know it sounds crazy, but it really is one of the most satisfying things!

2. I don't miss college. I hate that people say that it is the best and they wish they could go back. All I remember is that I studied all the time. I guess if I was smarter I would have liked it better.

3. I live for Monday nights at Zumba- I call it my happy place since the only thing racing through my mind is "where the freak do I put my foot next!"

4. I love pizza for Friday dinner, and I get sad if we don't have it.

5. Bones is my favorite TV show and last night David Boreanaz had his shirt off!!

6. I love to read magazines.

7. When I see a Pepsi vending machine with those big buttons, I love to just push them. I am not sure the fascination, but they are just calling to me..."Push me Jennifer!"

8. I wish I had a private jet so I could travel the world.

9. I love chips and dip too!!! I also never buy them because they would be gone in no time.

10. Hugs from my husband make me a better person.

11. I treat my cat like a child and love her to bits!

12. I love to watch movies; there is just something about escaping life for 2 hours and having everything end happy that just sucks me in.

13. I miss living near a big lake and going on boat rides. Being on the boat is my most cherished pastime and I miss it deeply!

14. Snakes give me the willies, so does seeing a lot of insects in one area- GROSS!!!

15. I'm glad that my relationship with my sister is the healthiest it has ever been and I hope that we continue to grow into good friends.

16. I love a good pair of jeans and comfy sneakers. 

17. If I were an instrument, I would want to be an acrostic guitar- I love the way they sound.

18. I love having my hair played with and my scalp rubbed- I hope that is what it feels like to be in heaven because it is the best! 

19. I'm a horrible speller and often ask my brighter students how to spell a word I can't.

20. I would love to learn to be a photographer. I just love to enjoy a good photograph and wish I could be artistic like that.

21. I enjoy sports and sporty things more than my husband.

22. My favorite number is 2. I was born 2/22 and was married 10/22. I also favor even numbers over odd numbers.

23. I love juice and really don't like pop (soda for you southerners) except Ginger Ale, which my friend Heather always has so I kill my cravings at her house and don't buy it. (Thanks Heather)

24. Lazy Saturday mornings are the best! I love not having to shower right away and just relaxing.

25. My favorite smell in the whole wide world is that of a campfire! I love going camping and when you come home your pillow and clothes still smells of it. I've always wanted a real fire place, so my house could smell like it. (Yankee Candle has a "campfire" candle but it is not good enough for me).

Here's What We Look Like These Days

To start off summer Grammy and Papa P came down to help out- Olivia and Papa P were excited about movie night

Olivia and Grammy P enjoying the pool on a hot summer day

 Here we go!! Off on our road trip back "home" to visit family and friends

 Olivia knows how to do this road trip thing

 Passing the time with all sorts of crazy fun

 Mommy and Lauren

 Olivia Bear

 And finally Lauren gives in and we all enjoy a break and a quiet car

 Playing at Grandma and Grandpa B's, trucks and tractors

 Taking Ellie on a trip in the police car- Depute Dishes

 Tractor time

 Twilight Hayride

 Making music together- like the sound of angels singing ;-)

 Sisterly Love

 Lauren as taught Olivia the joy of rock picking

 Skid Steer Loader at the farm - a girl and her machines, life is good

 Meeting the cows

 More tractors!!! 

 Off to Grandma and Grandpa H's

 Being silly girls in the back yard - always an adventure

 A girl and her daddy

 Playing trains and reading books

 Ice Cream - only my favorite in all the world

 Sharing my love with Lauren as she enjoys her first ice cream cone!

 Playground time!

 WEEEEEE!

 Train Museum with Aunt Shauna, Cousin Finn, and Grandpa and Grandma H

 Check out these conductors

 Back to our house and enjoying the Children's Museum

Super excited to be part of LebCamp 2014!

The long days can sure tucker a girl out

 Big surprise, more tractor fun as we passed the days being Gods disciples

 Even little girls need a rest, she took a nap 3 of the 5 days at camp- so much fun makes us sleepy

 Then back to Grammy and Papa P's to go to Grandma Rose's funeral

 1st Stop Cousin Finn's house- lots of goofiness there!

 We enjoyed blueberry picking, I think the strawberries and blueberries are just kissable

 And where there is a tractor, there is a Lauren...and Olivia too!

 Look how big they are!!!

 Joe Cool (Snoopy has nothing on her)

Off to pick lots of blueberries and eat even more

To our surprise the church Grandma Rose's funeral was at was all decorated for an ocean/pirate themed VBS- the girls were too excited

This Season of Life - Part 2

With each pregnancy I've had, and that's six now, I've never been good at not letting myself dream. Dream about the possibilities and about the future. When I got pregnant the second time- I was overjoyed. My first pregnancy and miscarriage happened so fast I didn't really have much time to embrace the fact that I was expecting. But with my second I had a little more time before that little one went on up to Jesus, so I had more time to dream. I had gotten a pregnancy calendar and eagerly filled it out. If you've never had one of those it is just an empty calendar where you fill out the dates as it correlates with your pregnancy. There are a bunch of stickers to put on it, like "first craving" and "baby shower" and then you can fill in your own things along the way. I was elated to be pregnant and was dreaming of the milestones as I filled in the colorful pages. Reading the little handy helper tips along the way. My dreaming often begins before Matt or I know for sure the gift of life has been given to us.

Even though I know better and I try and stop myself from filling in my now mental pregnancy calendar (I stopped buying them after the third miscarriage so poor Olivia doesn't have one- only Lauren) but I can't. So when I found out the weekend after Mother's Day that I was due to have another sweet one come at the beginning of the new year- my mind was racing. Names, what he/she would look like, what I would do with the nursery if God blessed us with a boy, when to move Olivia in with Lauren...the list goes one. I found myself doing it even before the positive popped onto the stick- because I knew, I always know before the stick tells me. My life changes, my heart grows, my soul knows when there is a sweet little one inside me. It's hard not to be altered by their presence even when no one but God and I know it.

This time was no different. It would have been another winter baby- if it was another girl, I was set for clothes- if he/she was early then it might be a new years baby- fun stuff! So as I relive those dreams know while I write this, I'm so sad for what might have been but take comfort in what is, what God graced me with.

The ultrasound room at the doctors office brings me such mixed feelings. I always hold my breath while I wait- although I'm often nauseous already it just gets worse. The butterflies in my stomach are going a hundred miles a minute. So on this Tuesday when the doctor came in to verify for the technician that the baby's heartbeat was gone I had no words. I was so devastated it took me a bit to even cry. When they ushered Matt and I into a room and went over the talk about what you will do next I couldn't even cry- and it wasn't until I get into the comfort of my car that I let it out.

The loss of the dream always hurts. When milestones pass, when I would have been in my second or third trimester, when we would have found out the babies gender, when we would have told the girls, when we would have told everyone, and eventually when the due date comes...and goes that is when I feel the loss the most. Sometimes it's when I see a pregnant lady or a sweet newborn. It never goes away. There are six dates that hold a special place in my heart:

March 5th, 2010*

August 14th, 2010*

December 9th, 2010

October 25th, 2012*

February 16th, 2013

January 22nd, 2015*

These are the due dates of all of our children. Each of our babies holds a special place in my heart. 

I sometimes have to laugh, it is the best medicine, and I think to myself what I would do with a house full of six crazy kids. I thank God for each one of them. Each one of them has changed my life for the better. Each one of them is a part of who I am and who my family is.

Someday when they are old enough to understand, Lauren and Olivia will hear about their siblings. They will know about how special they are and how God is caring for them up in Heaven and when they themselves take their steps on His streets of gold, they too will get to meet them.

During LebCamp this year this is one of the songs that really spoke to me. It reminded me over and over that God is there always. He's plan is the one I want for me, for my family, for our lives. I didn't ask why- I don't need to know why- I just need to grieve for what could have been. I need to have faith that what is- is what it should be. If I hadn't had lost those two babies before Lauren, I wouldn't have her. If I hadn't lost the baby before Olivia, she would be here. I can't look at those miracles and ask why- God knows why and I can deal with that. I want to show my two girls with me on earth what it means to live in God's arms. What it looks like to give our lives to Him fully- even when it isn't our plan or our way. I pray they see this, not me holding onto something that was never meant to be. 

Instead I grow, I give up control, I surrender, I trust, I look forward to new dreams and ask God how I can use His gifts. I give thanks for all that He has given me. I wake up and praise His holy name for all that is and all that be. Because I know my God loves me and gives me strength. "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us" Romans 5:1-5. Another song, by Matthew West, also reminds me every time I hear it that I don't have to be strong and I don't have to carry it all.  

Philippians 4:13 happened to be the theme of LebCamp this year. The youth advisory committee picked the verse and the theme- but with God's guidance no doubt. Since camp was just a month following the miscarriage it really helped me, as it somehow always does, work through my feelings and helped me move forward. I tell you every year I give camp and those kids all of my energy and love during the week and although I walk away exhausted and in need of lots of sleep- I also walk away with my heart, mind, and soul filled with joy, hope, and love. 

God's hand was in each part of my journey and still is. Because he gave me everything I could have needed and more to get me through the grieving process. My mom was able to come down the day we had the ultrasound. She arrived at my house at 3 am but she was there the next morning when Matt and I headed to the hospital. That meant so much to me. Her and my step dad stayed a week before heading back home. Then I busily packed up for an already planned trip back home, where Matt, the girls and I spent ten days visiting with family and being together ourselves as a family. That was so big- having that time to take a few date nights just Matt and I to let the business and noise of the regular day fade away and support each other. To be around those that love us and our kids the most and spoil us with love and affection. I don't know that my heart could have wanted anything else then to be reminded of all the blessings that God surrounds me with daily. Then, if that wasn't enough, we got back from that trip only to turn around four days later and be surrounded by my church family for seven days 10 hours a day. Them loving on the girls and me. It was like God's hand in my recovery was in motion before I even knew I would need it. Isn't He amazing!!! The support and love that has come from this event has just allowed me to see God so vividly and to feel him so tangible that I just took comfort in Him.

I know my words can't do God justice for all He did for me and still does but I just pray that I never forget it. That on those days when my hair is falling out and I just don't have it together that I am reminded of who put that day together in the first place. 

And the journey isn't over yet. And neither is my story. So hopefully I'll get to part three soon because there is more. More of how God is great, all the time!

This Season of Life - Part 1

It has been just shy of two months since I last wrote. Well last put my hands to keyboard and wrote. I've been writing in my head for a while and I'm hoping to remember, reflect, and not ramble too much about life these days.

I've been reading a book, Season's of a Mother's Heart by Sally Clarkson, and I have to admit that I didn't fully understand what she meant about 'seasons' until now. Because I certainly feel like my life has been in a season.

In the past two months I've endured the loss of four wonderful people in my life. Some close, friends and family, and others just close to the ones I love. I've endured sickness. I've endured pain. But most of all I've lived the lesson once again that I'm am not in control of my life- but my God is. I've felt His presence so vividly and so warmly in these two months. So I might be in a season of "death" as I've been calling it, but I also feel like I'm in a season of love, as I've felt the hand of God throughout it all. 

The memories are already starting to get foggy in my brain as I think back to May and June. This is when I endured my first loss. God took home a wonderful friend- Becky. It was very unexpected and very hard on me. She was an amazing women I met at church. She was so sweet and patient and loving and giving. At her funeral they spoke of her as a Proverbs 31 woman- and indeed she was. Becky taught me to sew and helped me to make the certains that now hang so beautifully in Olivia's nursery (which use to be Lauren's before she moved to her big girl room), as well as other sewing projects. Becky was kind hearted and sweet- always greeting you with a smile. I always enjoyed my afternoon lunches with her, when we finally found a date that worked, she was a busy lady for a women her age! I still have some wonderful, vivid memories that we made together and will always be blessed by her. 

Her death was a surprise and hit me like a ton of bricks. It was at this time that I was almost positive I was expecting baby number three, so I was even more emotional and scared. The day after Becky passed, when I had learned of the news, I had a meeting at church that evening and embraced the opportunity to pour out my heart to God- I just subbed at the alter. Praying for his hand on my heart, my soul, and all those who surround me. I was scared for everything and felt so vulnerable. I was struggling with what just happened and what could happen. The weight of it all just brought me to my knees- the thoughts that filled my head scared me to my core. And those raw emotions spilled over onto this new baby- could I handle the loss of another? I was almost afraid to take the test to enter the road I so deeply dreamed and desired to be on- the road of pregnancy. 

It wasn't much longer before I indeed took a test and revealed to Matt in the wee hours of the morning that we indeed were expecting another baby. The news excited us and gave us hope. But then just a week or so later the next loss happened. I have a wonderful friend Jenny and at the end of May her husband lost his battle with Cancer, at the age of 29. I watched her endure such an unthinkable loss and as she did it with God's grace and love I was once again reminded of who controls our lives and who sustains us while we are here on this earth. As I mourned another loss, I tried to set my eyes on God and remain positive. But it was hard, and it felt impossible some days. My girls, prayer, and a wonderful husband kept me smiling and the thoughts of adding another little munchkin to the group helped me.

Each moment we have is precious and each day we're given is a gift. I tried hard to remind myself of this daily, hourly as I moved through each day with a heavy heart.

Because of our pregnancy history my doctors office so graciously gives me early ultrasounds- so it wasn't long after the happy positive that we made our way to see our baby. With a small little flicker of a heartbeat on the screen we rejoiced in God's love and gift. We excited announced our news to our parents and close friends. My heart was renewed and I tried to remind myself of the circle of life- The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Then the fun of first trimester nausea set in and I was down for the count. I prep myself every time and every time I just fail miserably at being able to be myself. I have no energy and feel sick most of the day. Matt had to pick up a lot of slack each night as I would just fall over after dinner and be asleep before the girls. He is a wonderful husband and he did it without complaint. But it's hard on both of us- but I reminded myself how wonderful it will be and it will all be worth it- that sweet baby is always worth it!

Then my next ultrasound came just a couple weeks after the first. And with it came my third loss in just a few months. The screen revealed to us our baby without a heartbeat and that our baby was also enjoying our Heavenly Father's love up in heaven with Becky and Tyler. 

My heart ached but it was in those moments that I was so tangibly reminded that God provides and God loves. Not only does He love, but his love endures all things and supports us. For that I'm so grateful.