I feel like this quote rings true with how I've felt the last few days. I'm a very social person, but in my older age I'm finding quiet and alone time quite wonderful. I enjoy being home with Lauren, as opposed to in a classroom full of children or a meeting full of adults. I do however notice that this quiet lifestyle leaves me alone with my own thoughts regularly. Most of the time I enjoy it but sometimes I wish I could shut them off.
Yesterday was a prime example of this. I feel like my brain was on a hamster wheel and I just kept rolling the same thoughts around and around. This would have been fine if the thoughts weren't so bothersome and pesky.
I watch a little boy, Noah, two days a week (Not sure if I've mentioned him before). He is a cutie and I enjoy how he loves to snuggle and read books and he has the cutest smile and laugh. I'm friends with his mom and have gotten to know his dad since I've begun watching him. They are sweet people and fellow friends in God. I feel like Noah has been a blessing to our family in more ways than one. But yesterday and a "few days" before then I have been feeling frustrated on the days he's here. I couldn't put my finger on why it was.
The worst part was is I was feeling guilty about the thoughts. I love Noah and enjoying watching him- so why was I feeling this way? I kept asking myself over and over this very question. Monday was a particularly trying day and I was noticing my thoughts getting louder and louder as they rattled around in that hamster wheel in my head.
I don't know about you, but I feel like sometimes thoughts like this are the devils doing. Making a good thing seem not so good. Tempting me to act a way I wouldn't or say something I shouldn't. So I kept fighting them and praying and telling myself that I was just having a bad day- when I know that wasn't what it was. So why was I frustrated? What was causing this frustration? Was I frustrated with being stuck in the house on the days that I watched Noah? Was I frustrated that it's harder to take care of two kids, as apposed to just one? Was I frustrated that even thought I'm stuck in the house I get very little done around here on those days? Was I frustrated that he still spits up ALL the time and I'm constantly turning around to find the spit up all over him and the floor and the toys, etc.? Was it because all day long he was throwing this or that and I was having to say "No..." every two minutes or take the toy away? Well any one of those things could get my panties in a bunch but I've come to terms with not being able to leave the house and made Mondays and Fridays laundry days (you still feel productive, and it's a chore that you can walk away from at a moments notice). Although the spit up is yucky- it doesn't really bother me, well at least the first few times. I enjoy that Lauren has a playmate and although two kids is harder than one, there is a plus side to them playing together too. What about the throwing...well in a round about way the throwing was the trigger to my pesky thoughts.
All these thought all day long and I couldn't quite put my figure on what was causing it, that was until Amy stayed for dinner that night and we talked. We talked about how Noah is hitting that age where he's discovering his independence and testing his boundaries (it blows my mind that it starts so gosh darn early).
Before I can go forward thought, I have to regress to give you more background. So, there are many reasons I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. One on top of the list is that I wanted to be the person who nurtured and raised my children. I knew, from being a teacher, that I would spend more waking hours with my students than their parents would. I knew that if I kept working that who ever watched my kids would raise them, or do the majority of raising them. That wasn't okay with me or Matt for that matter. This played a large roll in me quitting my job.
Okay so now you're trying to connect the dots here and these thoughts don't seem to be easy to connect. Well, I kept thinking every time Noah would do something he wasn't suppose to or any time that he needed guidance that I needed to do it like his parents would. I kept thinking if I didn't they might find out I told their little boy "No" when they might not have. I kept feeling like I needed to be Amy- because wouldn't I want the person watching my child to raise them "my way." Well in having this backwards mentality I was frustrating myself because I was trying to force myself to not be me and I was also second guessing everything I did. I kept thinking "What would Amy do?" And on top of that I would feel guilty reprimanding him. Now this was something I never had any problem doing before with kids in my care, so why now?
You see until Christmas time he was still a "baby" who, for the most part, sat where I put him and played with the toys I gave him. I was just watching him and not yet helping to raising him. Now that he's crawling and pushing those boundaries, like how many pieces of food can I throw on the floor before she stops feeding me type boundaries, I'm having to tell him "No." So why is "No" so much harder now- well again because I didn't want to do anything his parents wouldn't do because I wouldn't want someone to raise my kid their way, then Amy and JP must feel the same way, right? Wrong!
After my talk with Amy about Noah's growing independence, I talked with Matt. He's the one who made me realize that they're trusting me with their child. Trusting me to help them raise Noah the best way I can. I shouldn't feel any more guilty laying down the law with him than I do with Lauren. I wouldn't want Lauren throwing toys all over someone else's house and I'm sure Amy doesn't want Noah doing it either. I need to buck up and help her by trusting my judgement. I mean isn't that why they choose me to watch him, because they trust my judgement?
"If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23-24
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