Well as I mentioned a few posts ago we are happily and nervously expecting again. We've already had the joy of an early ultrasound showing a sweet baby and a sweet heartbeat. My doctors office is being so great with us. They had no problem giving us an early ultrasound and in fact, I have another scheduled for next week, when I'll be nine and a half weeks (most pregnant women wouldn't receive another one). I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have one scheduled- oh I know what I'd do...the same thing that happened when I was pregnant with Lauren I'd have a nervous breakdown waiting, and waiting to see that everything was okay.
The pregnancy is a mirror image of how I was with Lauren. I do fine in the morning and then about lunch time I start to peter out with energy and by dinner time I feel like doodoo on a stick and I'm done. I still have nervous days like today where I feel better then I usually do and I start to get nervous and panic. That's most likely why I'm taking the time to write this post today, when there are about seven hundred other things I should be doing. But this is easing my nerves.
The greater public is not aware of our happy news. I feel safe writing it on here because I only know of three people who might take the time to read this and two of which already know. I enjoy knowing that not to many people I know personally read my blog...as crazy as that statement might be, but I think it helps me to write more honestly and feel more free to share. It's not like I'm telling top secret information here, lol, just the nuts and bolts of my brain...more scary then secret.
Anyway, I'm at that point where I'm ready to accept that I'm pregnant but I'm still not ready to believe it with my whole heart. I'm just ready to go next Wednesday and see the blob blinking that wonderful blink.
I keep saying this whole situation is a testament to my faith. Whenever I start think negative thoughts, whenever I start wondering if we could handle yet another round of bad news, I remember how God works for the good in all things. That I need to pray my nerves away. That I need to put faith in Him who knows what I can handle and what I can't. That I need to relax a little. That I just need to wait a few more days (7 to be exact) and allow God to give me some affirmation.
Why is it so hard to keep a strong faith. I mean if someone were to ask if I had a strong faith, I'd say yes. But then times like this come up, days like this come up, and I think to myself "why are you questioning God's plans for your life Jennifer?!?" Are my nerves lack of faith? Then I remind myself that I'm human. That my nerves are from past experiences. That had I never had three failed pregnancies that I mostly likely wouldn't be praying a dozen times a day that God help me to rely on Him and take the next step forward. That's not lack of faith that God will give us another wonderful healthy full term baby, it's me coping with the past. Lack of faith would result in me not praying and allowing my nerves to rule my life. I hope my logic stands up because that is what's getting me through.
Well I'm sure I'll be on here again. Definitely next Wednesday or Thursday with news about how everything is going. But I need to spend the rest of this nap time getting some of my "to do list" onto my "ta-done" list.
"As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12
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