Batter Up!

It was the middle of the night when I woke up, woke up worried and thinking of the dream I just had. The dream was about me being on a softball team. The team was playing indoors on a makeshift diamond. The place was very crowded. I was up to bat, I swung and made a connection. It was a base hit and I was proud and I could see my coach was too. The next person up to bat got out and ended the inning. Pretty much the same scene played out again- up to bat, got on base, then the inning ended and I got no where else. Then all of a sudden it was the end of the game and we were down. My coach trying to rally us has me up to bat and has plans for me to steal second base. So I head up to bat and there is a person in a wheelchair pitching. His first pitch was a ball. Then out of nowhere he pitches two pitches together and I wasn't able to keep up and I got out and the game ended. I was so confused and trying to figure out if what just happened followed league rules. I was frustrated and irritated. The coach was upset but complying with the officials as they explained the pitcher did nothing wrong. 


As I lay in bed trying to figure out what my brain was thinking as I dreamed this I had to use the bathroom- like every pregnant women, it's rarer to make it through the night and early morning without having to wake up once to head there. I got out of bed and when I closed the door to the bathroom, Lauren wakes up. I know she'll fall right back to sleep but I listen to her fuss for me as I think about how much that dream bothered me. I think about how much I want to head in there and hold her, telling her the noise she heard was just mama. That she should just fall back asleep and dream happy dreams. Unlike my dreams that wake me up annoyed and frustrated. Like I had felt all day yesterday.


Yesterday was another tough day. I was tired and feeling like sleeping all day wouldn't help me shake how slow I was moving. A guy from church, Dennis, was over helping me by painting our downstairs bathroom. He is currently unemployed and needed to keep himself busy. I know him well from LebCamp and when I told him I had a few painting jobs that would keep him busy he jumped at the chance to help us out. When I asked he said he didn't want any monetary compensation for his work, but there was a book he wanted for his daughter-in-law. It was a children's book he noticed Lauren had. So yesterday morning Lauren and I set out to get it. There is a book store less then five minutes from my house. The computer said they had one copy but no one could find it. So I headed to the Target next door. They had every other book by Sandra Boyton but not the one we needed. "Luckily" the book store had located one at a different location. So we stopped at home to let Dennis know what was going on, get a drink, use the restroom, and head back out. This location is twenty minutes away and I thought that while I was out there I'd hit up Party City. I've been looking for batman stickers for Lebcamp. According to the website they had some. So we got the book and headed to Party City. Of course they had no stickers.By now it was quarter to twelve and I hadn't done anything for lunch. I was hungry, Lauren was whiny and hungry, and I could only imagine that Dennis was ready to eat too. So I stopped at Arby's to get some sandwiches (figuring grapes and pretzels would round out the lunch and cost far less than fries). We were in that drive thru line FOREVER!!! Lauren fussing and me feeling so tired- both of us hungry- I thought we'd never make it home.


Thank God I did and after giving our bodies the food it was demanding things got a little better. But I just hate that I had such negative thoughts all day long. I just wanted to lay around. And I feel that way all the time these days. I feel lazy. I usually run circles around Matt and lately he is so much more productive. Now I know it is because I'm pregnant- but that is what frustrates me even more. I want to be pregnant. I would be devastated if something went wrong, but I'm no good at being "under the weather." I'm horrible when my body isn't functioning at peak capacity. I know I need to slow down and just allow my body to feel how it feels. Embrace the fact that I'm growing a baby and that takes lots of work. Taking lots of energy. Causing aches and pains. Making me feel yucky. It's just a lot harder to do when you're got a 19 month old running around at your feet. 


I can't tell you how much I need everything to be okay this Wednesday. I can't tell you how much I pray and worry, which causes me to pray even more. I wish I had more energy to pray even more. I'm thankful for the days when life is a bit busy because then I think about all the scary stuff less. But those are the days I find myself more crabby and irritable because I'm so tired. Then I feel guilty because I'm so miserable when I should be so excited and overjoyed. It's like a viscous cycle. 


I know that Wednesday will help. I keep trying to have faith and happy thoughts. I keep praying for a good outcome this time. I keep reminding myself that God is good and to relax and give myself a break. I sure wish I was smart enough to take my own advice. Oh goodness. Let's just start with the fact that Matt's yummy homemade buttermilk waffles and writing down my thoughts have helped to get this day off to a good start. So I hope when I go to bed tonight my dreams are not laced with frustration or annoyance, but of potential and excitement. I hope in my dreams tonight I can make it to second base, or even home plate. That my stealing second will help us win the game!


Casting Crowns - Praise You in this Storm This song helps remind me where God is when things are tough and I pray that I'm never taking my eyes off him.