I felt like this was a symbolic (I'll explain that later) and needed trip away from normal/everyday life. It was the first time I was away from Lauren for more than an evening or a few hours here or there. When I was thinking about doing it, I was thinking how hard it would be to leave her and maybe I shouldn't do it. But I was resolved that God had opened this window and I should just jump in with both feet. When I talked to Matt he had no problems with it and he was up for the challenge of being home with Lauren for a weekend all by himself. So I told Jason I wanted to help out and I didn't look back.
When we got there it was kind of cold and windy. The water was rough and choppy. But after unloading the stuff we headed to enjoy the beautiful sunset on the water. I can't tell you how much I emotionally/spiritually needed this trip. In fact, I didn't know how much I needed it- but God did. When we got to the sunset we weren't able to get on the beach since the water was so rough and high that where the beach was suppose to be was now covered in water. Instead we sat on a rock wall watching it. As I watched the beautiful red and orange glow on the horizon I found myself praying. Talking to God about how I was feeling. How I was sad that the baby I longed to have was with Him and not me. How I felt like the rough water that splashed around below me. My emotions all over the place. I felt grateful for the sweet, lovable baby girl I had at home. I gave thanks for her and all she means to me. Tears just ran down my cheeks as I told Him that I'm on His life plan not mine. I've accepted what has happened and I began praying for what could be. That He would continue to be by my side as I ramble down the road we call life. I silently wiped my tears as I finished praying and enjoyed his beautiful glory until we turned around to walk back.
That night the fire was wonderful, the laughs and devotionals were relaxing each muscle in my body. Allowing me to be Jennifer and not mommy or wife. The s'mores brought sweetness to the soul, which I needed. And the sleep- oh the sleep was wonderful! So wonderful that I woke up on my own, early the next morning. And I decided that I was going to enjoy the "me" time I'd been gifted. I went for a run/walk/run. I ran for a mile or two and then walked through the local marina enjoying the boat names. It reminded me of childhood. When we would go on boat trips around the lake and in each port I would read the names wondering why each owner pick that one for that boat. I looked for the funny ones and enjoyed the wonderful sounds of the lines hitting the masts (oh such a relaxing sound). Then I ran back the opposite direction as I headed to the beach. This time I picked up the pace and pushed myself. Reminding myself that it would be worth it when I got there and stretched (my favorite part of working out). By the time I made my way back to the house it was still silent and I my "me" hadn't ended so I pulled up my book and an Adirondack chair and enjoyed the view and the story. By the time people started getting up, I was ready, I was relaxed, I was feeling better.
We enjoyed breakfast, another devotional, and then kayaking. Still the water was choppy on the river and waves were crashing into my kayak, but as rough as the water was I remained calm and relaxed. Even enjoying the water splashing in. But after paddling out of the river and into in inlet, I entered into smooth, calm water. This made me think of Matt and how we took his parents canoe out once on a small pond near his house and how I was being silly and thinking each water ripple was coming from a swamp monster. He played along and we had a wonderful time. Then I prayed for us. That we would stay strong with God as we continue rambling down this road we call life together.
After kayaking we headed to the beach, then back for lunch, another devotional, and then back to the beach. Have I mentioned that this was the spiritual/emotional vacation that I so desperately needed.
After dinner that night we had another fire. We sat around it for hours. Talking, laughing, and having more devotionals. These kids inspire me. Just listening to their responses and their love of our wonderful and all powerful God. It gave me hope for them and their journey down this road we call life.
At around midnight we ended the devotional and we were all just sitting and talking. We started admiring the night time sky and awing at God's splendor. Then out of no where I saw a shooting star. This star was hope for me. Hope for the future. Hope of what is to come. Hope for things I don't even know to hope for yet. God's marvelous vastness didn't seem so big in that moment. It felt close enough to hug. It seem personal- like the whole weekend felt. Although I was surround almost the entire weekend by people, God was working on me. Healing me. Holding me. Giving me hope in Him and in myself.
As we left that Sunday, after another yummy breakfast and small and intimate service, I couldn't help but notice how calm the river was. I couldn't help but notice how calm my soul was.
*Picture taken by Jason and borrowed by me*
"Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise."
Jeremiah 17:14
Beautiful. You are an inspiration, my friend. :-)
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