Even though I know better and I try and stop myself from filling in my now mental pregnancy calendar (I stopped buying them after the third miscarriage so poor Olivia doesn't have one- only Lauren) but I can't. So when I found out the weekend after Mother's Day that I was due to have another sweet one come at the beginning of the new year- my mind was racing. Names, what he/she would look like, what I would do with the nursery if God blessed us with a boy, when to move Olivia in with Lauren...the list goes one. I found myself doing it even before the positive popped onto the stick- because I knew, I always know before the stick tells me. My life changes, my heart grows, my soul knows when there is a sweet little one inside me. It's hard not to be altered by their presence even when no one but God and I know it.
This time was no different. It would have been another winter baby- if it was another girl, I was set for clothes- if he/she was early then it might be a new years baby- fun stuff! So as I relive those dreams know while I write this, I'm so sad for what might have been but take comfort in what is, what God graced me with.
The ultrasound room at the doctors office brings me such mixed feelings. I always hold my breath while I wait- although I'm often nauseous already it just gets worse. The butterflies in my stomach are going a hundred miles a minute. So on this Tuesday when the doctor came in to verify for the technician that the baby's heartbeat was gone I had no words. I was so devastated it took me a bit to even cry. When they ushered Matt and I into a room and went over the talk about what you will do next I couldn't even cry- and it wasn't until I get into the comfort of my car that I let it out.
The loss of the dream always hurts. When milestones pass, when I would have been in my second or third trimester, when we would have found out the babies gender, when we would have told the girls, when we would have told everyone, and eventually when the due date comes...and goes that is when I feel the loss the most. Sometimes it's when I see a pregnant lady or a sweet newborn. It never goes away. There are six dates that hold a special place in my heart:
March 5th, 2010*
August 14th, 2010*
December 9th, 2010
October 25th, 2012*
February 16th, 2013
January 22nd, 2015*
These are the due dates of all of our children. Each of our babies holds a special place in my heart.
I sometimes have to laugh, it is the best medicine, and I think to myself what I would do with a house full of six crazy kids. I thank God for each one of them. Each one of them has changed my life for the better. Each one of them is a part of who I am and who my family is.
Someday when they are old enough to understand, Lauren and Olivia will hear about their siblings. They will know about how special they are and how God is caring for them up in Heaven and when they themselves take their steps on His streets of gold, they too will get to meet them.
During LebCamp this year this is one of the songs that really spoke to me. It reminded me over and over that God is there always. He's plan is the one I want for me, for my family, for our lives. I didn't ask why- I don't need to know why- I just need to grieve for what could have been. I need to have faith that what is- is what it should be. If I hadn't had lost those two babies before Lauren, I wouldn't have her. If I hadn't lost the baby before Olivia, she would be here. I can't look at those miracles and ask why- God knows why and I can deal with that. I want to show my two girls with me on earth what it means to live in God's arms. What it looks like to give our lives to Him fully- even when it isn't our plan or our way. I pray they see this, not me holding onto something that was never meant to be.
Instead I grow, I give up control, I surrender, I trust, I look forward to new dreams and ask God how I can use His gifts. I give thanks for all that He has given me. I wake up and praise His holy name for all that is and all that be. Because I know my God loves me and gives me strength. "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us" Romans 5:1-5. Another song, by Matthew West, also reminds me every time I hear it that I don't have to be strong and I don't have to carry it all.
Philippians 4:13 happened to be the theme of LebCamp this year. The youth advisory committee picked the verse and the theme- but with God's guidance no doubt. Since camp was just a month following the miscarriage it really helped me, as it somehow always does, work through my feelings and helped me move forward. I tell you every year I give camp and those kids all of my energy and love during the week and although I walk away exhausted and in need of lots of sleep- I also walk away with my heart, mind, and soul filled with joy, hope, and love.
God's hand was in each part of my journey and still is. Because he gave me everything I could have needed and more to get me through the grieving process. My mom was able to come down the day we had the ultrasound. She arrived at my house at 3 am but she was there the next morning when Matt and I headed to the hospital. That meant so much to me. Her and my step dad stayed a week before heading back home. Then I busily packed up for an already planned trip back home, where Matt, the girls and I spent ten days visiting with family and being together ourselves as a family. That was so big- having that time to take a few date nights just Matt and I to let the business and noise of the regular day fade away and support each other. To be around those that love us and our kids the most and spoil us with love and affection. I don't know that my heart could have wanted anything else then to be reminded of all the blessings that God surrounds me with daily. Then, if that wasn't enough, we got back from that trip only to turn around four days later and be surrounded by my church family for seven days 10 hours a day. Them loving on the girls and me. It was like God's hand in my recovery was in motion before I even knew I would need it. Isn't He amazing!!! The support and love that has come from this event has just allowed me to see God so vividly and to feel him so tangible that I just took comfort in Him.
I know my words can't do God justice for all He did for me and still does but I just pray that I never forget it. That on those days when my hair is falling out and I just don't have it together that I am reminded of who put that day together in the first place.
And the journey isn't over yet. And neither is my story. So hopefully I'll get to part three soon because there is more. More of how God is great, all the time!
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