I've been reading a book, Season's of a Mother's Heart by Sally Clarkson, and I have to admit that I didn't fully understand what she meant about 'seasons' until now. Because I certainly feel like my life has been in a season.
In the past two months I've endured the loss of four wonderful people in my life. Some close, friends and family, and others just close to the ones I love. I've endured sickness. I've endured pain. But most of all I've lived the lesson once again that I'm am not in control of my life- but my God is. I've felt His presence so vividly and so warmly in these two months. So I might be in a season of "death" as I've been calling it, but I also feel like I'm in a season of love, as I've felt the hand of God throughout it all.
The memories are already starting to get foggy in my brain as I think back to May and June. This is when I endured my first loss. God took home a wonderful friend- Becky. It was very unexpected and very hard on me. She was an amazing women I met at church. She was so sweet and patient and loving and giving. At her funeral they spoke of her as a Proverbs 31 woman- and indeed she was. Becky taught me to sew and helped me to make the certains that now hang so beautifully in Olivia's nursery (which use to be Lauren's before she moved to her big girl room), as well as other sewing projects. Becky was kind hearted and sweet- always greeting you with a smile. I always enjoyed my afternoon lunches with her, when we finally found a date that worked, she was a busy lady for a women her age! I still have some wonderful, vivid memories that we made together and will always be blessed by her.
Her death was a surprise and hit me like a ton of bricks. It was at this time that I was almost positive I was expecting baby number three, so I was even more emotional and scared. The day after Becky passed, when I had learned of the news, I had a meeting at church that evening and embraced the opportunity to pour out my heart to God- I just subbed at the alter. Praying for his hand on my heart, my soul, and all those who surround me. I was scared for everything and felt so vulnerable. I was struggling with what just happened and what could happen. The weight of it all just brought me to my knees- the thoughts that filled my head scared me to my core. And those raw emotions spilled over onto this new baby- could I handle the loss of another? I was almost afraid to take the test to enter the road I so deeply dreamed and desired to be on- the road of pregnancy.
It wasn't much longer before I indeed took a test and revealed to Matt in the wee hours of the morning that we indeed were expecting another baby. The news excited us and gave us hope. But then just a week or so later the next loss happened. I have a wonderful friend Jenny and at the end of May her husband lost his battle with Cancer, at the age of 29. I watched her endure such an unthinkable loss and as she did it with God's grace and love I was once again reminded of who controls our lives and who sustains us while we are here on this earth. As I mourned another loss, I tried to set my eyes on God and remain positive. But it was hard, and it felt impossible some days. My girls, prayer, and a wonderful husband kept me smiling and the thoughts of adding another little munchkin to the group helped me.
Each moment we have is precious and each day we're given is a gift. I tried hard to remind myself of this daily, hourly as I moved through each day with a heavy heart.
Because of our pregnancy history my doctors office so graciously gives me early ultrasounds- so it wasn't long after the happy positive that we made our way to see our baby. With a small little flicker of a heartbeat on the screen we rejoiced in God's love and gift. We excited announced our news to our parents and close friends. My heart was renewed and I tried to remind myself of the circle of life- The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Then the fun of first trimester nausea set in and I was down for the count. I prep myself every time and every time I just fail miserably at being able to be myself. I have no energy and feel sick most of the day. Matt had to pick up a lot of slack each night as I would just fall over after dinner and be asleep before the girls. He is a wonderful husband and he did it without complaint. But it's hard on both of us- but I reminded myself how wonderful it will be and it will all be worth it- that sweet baby is always worth it!
Then my next ultrasound came just a couple weeks after the first. And with it came my third loss in just a few months. The screen revealed to us our baby without a heartbeat and that our baby was also enjoying our Heavenly Father's love up in heaven with Becky and Tyler.
My heart ached but it was in those moments that I was so tangibly reminded that God provides and God loves. Not only does He love, but his love endures all things and supports us. For that I'm so grateful.
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