If You Want My Advice...Or Not

I've been needing to write this blog for myself. I've had so much swimming round in this crazy head of mine and I find ease when I spew it down here. This post is simply for my own selfish need to get this stuff out of my head and also because maybe, just maybe the thoughts I have might ring true to someone who reads them.

So I've been thinking a lot lately as I've been mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually preparing for baby number three. So much is different when you're preparing for the third child than the first, or even the second for that matter. I'm noticing a big change in my expectation and my dreams as this one grows inside my ever growing belly.

First, I want to say that I am indeed no expert. I just know what I've experienced and these thoughts come from just that- my experience. In fact, that is one of my first thoughts- how everyone is so very different. Each couple is very different from the next. So it is so hard to give parenting advice to anyone since they are two very different people, with different personalities and vastly different upbringings usually. For Matt and I you can see just that. Matt came from a home with three kids, laid back parents who have been married to each other his whole life. His household was very steady and consistent. His personality makes him a parent who doesn't act irrationally and has patience with just about anything (that goes out the door when he’s tired though- as it does with anyone who is tired). I, on the other hand, came from a family with two kids and my parents divorced when I was three. I had a working mother from then on and only went to my dads every other weekend and on holidays/vacations. My life was not as steady and consistent. My personality makes me a parent who will gets twenty five things done at the same time and I’m the snuggler/comforter.  Neither one of us is better than the other but each very different so we bring our own dynamics into our parenting style.

This also remains true when it comes to our children. Both can be very different and their personality cause us to parent them just a little differently. What will work for Lauren might not work for Olivia and vise versa. So not only does each parent come to the table with different personalities and different upbringings- each child is so different.

Sorry if this is sounding like a college term paper but what I'm trying to say is this is why I struggle giving people parental advice and often just stay away from it unless asked. 

I have a friend who is very different from me- she gave birth to her first child shortly after Olivia was born. She would often ask for advise for this or that and I would tell her how I did things with my girls but I knew deep down that her personality and her daughter’s personality were nothing like my kids and I so I'm not sure what good I did or if she was able to use any of the things I told her- and I'm pretty sure she didn’t. I felt bad that I wasn't able to help her out but at the same time I was thinking- you'll figure it out. I felt like more than anything she needed more confidence to trust herself than anything. That is advice you can’t really give a person though.

I recently went to a baby shower for a wonderful lady who is about to give birth to her first. When I went shopping for her shower I was thinking that she needed to have something for when baby wasn't a newborn anymore. So I thought about six months out she might need stuff for teething and eating- so I themed my present around that. Then I wrote a one page explanation of my gift- since I wanted her to know the reason behind each purchase I made and let her know the multiple uses of a teething ring and pacifier tether, the reason I purchased the bowls I did and those wonderful inventions- the disposable bib. I didn't want her to think- oh great another person who completely ignored my register and for her to just shove my, what I'd like to believe were thoughtful gifts, into the Target bag to be returned. When I got to the end of my WAY TOO LONG explanation of the gift (surprise, surprise) I was thinking about the advice that I did appreciate along the way. The stuff that wasn't about how to get baby to nurse better or sleep longer or other such nonsense. These were the three things I am glad someone told us or we learned on our own:

1. Just when you have it figured out, it all changes.

2. You can't spoil a baby.

3. Trust your gut and your God.

If anything has held true through the raising of both our girls is that as soon as things seem to settle or you think you've got the upper hand on this parenting thing they change, grow, and throw you for a loop. It has held true each and every step of the way for both kids. Now I'd say there is an upside to this advice because the stages you'd rather not endure but must, also go away. The never ending crying of a newborn passes, the I’m not going to listen to you since I've realized I have my own opinions and desires passes...you name the stage and it will pass. But the stinky part is the good stages pass too. The part where they just want to be held or everything they do is new and exciting...this will also pass. I always think of how Lauren could go no where without Bunny Night-Night and lately she sometimes comes and sometimes doesn’t- how sad that she doesn’t always want or need her. I think it makes me sad because someday down the road I will be Bunny Night-Night and she will seem to need me less and less (sniffle...oh I'll get through it but I won't like it...sniffle).

But this ever changing thing makes parenting always new and always adventurous that is for sure. With every new child there are different stages and different goods and not so goods. But the fact remains that as soon as you gain the confidence that you have it down- the game changes.

Secondly, you can’t hold your baby too much. I’m talking newborn to six months. In fact, the honest truth is usually by then they want to be down exploring and getting into everything anyway. So don't let people tell you to put your baby down! Hold it all day long if you want. That stage is soooo short in the grand scheme of it all, so don't waste a minute- but do give yourself a break- you'll need it. I remember with Olivia just embracing it so much more and maybe because I got that little bit less with her since I still had to love on her big sister too. I think that is why this time I'm so adamant on getting a Moby Wrap of some kind- I just want to hold that sweet thing as much as I can and if I can’t do it with my two very busy arms then the wrap will do (plus I’m preparing for any kind of baby that might ‘pop’ out -fussy, laid back, snuggler, etc.). Where with baby number one they're all you have to worry about and all you have to love on- so have at it!

Lastly, everyone is going to give you advice whether you want it or not. About every part of your parenting. Most will say it in this form “when my kids were young...” or if it’s your parent “with you...” or still others "well with my child..." and it usually something you're not going to do or it won't work for you and your spouse/child. There is no big problem with other people giving you advice except that it often drowns or clouds over our natural gut instinct. Or as I refer to it as the Holy Spirit talking to us. God equips us with the tools we need to parent our child. Sometimes, yes it is through others advice but more often the advice we ask for not the things said to us. 

He made your baby special for you. Unique to fit perfectly into your family. I think most of us parents know what will work for us and what won’t. For instance, with Lauren we took her pacifier away at 9 months. We endured three nights of her crying and crying to fall asleep at night. And I endured a whole week with no naps. I know many parents...many parents who could never and would never had been able to do that. They would have given her back the pacifier. And I was not better than them by any means. But we did what worked for us and our baby. I think for us  we endured it because I am so revolted by the thought of a child walking around with one hanging from their mouths, pulling it out to talk only to put it back in again. That might not bother you but I does me. So for me it was worth it in the end. Now my MIL told me her kids just simply stopped them on their own. I've had another friend who only allowed them at bedtime and yet another who took it away and had no ill effects like crying or such. Again this just reinforces my point that each parent and child is so different, that what worked for me might not work for you. But what does work often times is what you feel is right. And God is prompting you through the Holy Spirit and if you take the time to listen then you will figure out what works for your family.

That’s the fun of parenting isn't it? Well to some. The fact that we get to go on this grand adventure discovering things about ourselves and our child along the way. The best is that God is with us on the whole journey and each child He created was a special order for each family. You get to navigate it with the special spouse He sent you too- each with your own unique gifts and talents to bring to the table. Where I am weak, He is strong. And I say that in the context of God and my wonderful Husband. I am so amazed at how perfectly He created such imperfect people to fit together so perfectly. I hope that make sense beyond me.

In our family we like to do ‘sandwich’ hugs. Matt or I will be holding a kid or two and we give a big family sandwich hug. Matt and I are often the bread or bun and our sweet girls are the PB&J or the meat and cheese that make us so yummy all together. Yes, we have our moments when we don't see eye to eye or our own selfish desires get into the way of things but all in all we're the perfect little family of four...soon to be five...for us. God didn't make a single mistake anywhere along the way. Thank goodness we can count on Him and not ourselves to know what is right.

So all that to say you got this- you know what works for you, what you're willing to put up with or deal with, and the solution that will solve your current problem. And heck even if you don't get it figured out- don't worry because things will change before your eyes and you'll be dealing with a new puzzle, challenge or if you're lucky a moment of reprieve!

So those are the words of ‘wisdom’ that have been floating around this big ol’ head of mine as I think about this third miracle growing inside of me. Oh I can't wait, well I can, to meet baby number three.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6