I just have had a hard time the last few weeks with my selfish desires. My prayers are often filled with thanks to the Lord for what I have but then there is always this part of me that wants Heaven on earth. I'm sure I'm not going to make complete sense to anyone who reads this but I'm going to try my best as I pour my heart out and work through this part of me I wish would go away. I just want perfection. Perfection as seen through my small little eyes. I just don't want anything more bad to happen and I want everything to always be good. I guess everyone probably wants that, right?
I guess after this tough summer I just want things to turn out good. I'm sick of seeing the hurt of this life. Then I look around and think, well isn't it already good? I was brought to tears on the way home from Olivia's doctor appointment today as I thought about this selfishness inside me and how I could have overlooked the blessing of my happy, healthy baby girl in the backseat.
I don't think I'm a person who wants all the material things of life. Sure if some of my material desires fell from the sky I wouldn't complain but that isn't what I'm talking about here. I don't feel selfish because I want more "things." I feel like I'm selfish because I'm want God to fulfill the desires of my heart (again not material things) and do it the way I desire. When I was having a heart to heart with myself and God this is the scripture that came into my heart:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
I understand that I don't know it all. That I can't see it all. That I can't even begin to imagine all the parts and pieces of my story that I can't fathom or can't understand from this worldly body. But I'm finding it hard. Hard to just not know how to tangibly give it all over. How the "in all your ways submit to him" looks on this earth. I'm feeling like I can't or don't see how that works. Because I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to be able to just submit my worries to Him who yearns for me to do just that.
I was thinking the other day that life has slowed down and I am finally getting a moment to think through the events of this summer. When I was going a million miles an hour I don't have time or energy to worry about anything that was happening and now that I do have time I'm worrying about everything. I know that this is wrong. When I realized this is what I keep doing, this verse flows into my heart:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes?" Matthew 6:25
So then I start thinking about how busy things are going to be in a few weeks. How I've got lots coming up. And then I'll be busy again, with less time to think about stuff and therefore less time to be selfishly requesting God to make my life fit my desires instead of submitting my life to him. Then I think, well am I dealing with my issues or am I just finding a way to not deal with them? Me busying myself is not necessarily submitting to Him my worry and selfish demands or is it? Is this me having faith in Him?
"For we live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7
Then I think what I will be busying myself with. First, I will be busy schooling my sweet Lauren Shea. This you must know is definitely me submitting to His path for me and my family. Just three years ago and many years before that I didn't even have homeschooling on my radar, but God did. So on this path I will be busy at work, God's work. Second, I will be busy with my other sweet, growing girl. She keeps me busy too and I've tried really hard in my school planning to have stuff for her to do as well- since she is two years behind in development her stuff might not be exactly the same, but she will keep me hopping too sharing each moment with us. This is God's work too- being a mother to my little girls- just wiping the butts and noises- cleaning the dishes- running the household. Third, I will be involved in being a wife to my husband. A true calling from God. He is not third on the list because he's third in importance but he is more like second to God alone. I know I sometimes fail as wife (when I put my needs first or ask too much of him) but I feel so blessed with my husband, my Matt, my love. My love for him is God's work too. Fourth, I'm going to be in two wonderful Bible studies this year. I will be participating in one on the gospel of Mark, Philemon, 1,2,3, John, and Jude. Then I will be leading the high schoolers in our church on one through Biblical living using the Proverbs and the Parables as our guide. That's going to be lots of work right there. God's work.
So maybe what I've been lacking these days isn't business but a focus on God's work. Maybe that's what it means when it says "submit to Him." So maybe it is a tangible thing. I don't know. Maybe my problem of selfishness can be solved by thinking about how I can do God's work today - with my family and church- instead of thinking about how God can do my work. Maybe it's as simple as my frame of mind or my attitude? I don't know. I have honestly come to this conclusion through writing this. I just felt the need to write today as I was tearing up in the driver seat. I could feel God working in my heart, prompting me to write and now by guiding me to the answers He has given me here today in this post. I put other things aside today to sit down here and listen for Him, to let him guide my writing, and my heart. Oh what a great God we have!
"For the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant" 2 Samuel 7:21
As I was finishing up this blog up, with Lauren playing play-doh right next to me, she began singing the song Fix my Eyes By King and Country and amen doesn't it just fit perfectly with the lesson God was teaching me. It's like she was his little radio intercalm letting me know- You got this Jennifer- keep on going!! I love how He works! Well I think that little girl might want some help in making some fun play-doh so I'll end this one here. Enjoy the song!