"If I just..."

I started writing this post in my head will doing the dishes last week. In fact, I did start a paragraph or two before walking away. But today I felt it was time to finish what I began understanding while in front of a sink filled with dishes. As a mom now I find solace in the weirdest places- and sometimes it's when I'm doing the dishes. I've been struggling the past few months, or longer if I really think about it. And today as I sat in the pew at church, God's message was delivered to me. I felt his Holy Spirit awaken in my heart. I heard Him who loves me most speak to my yearning heart, to my wondering soul, and to my weary spirit.

There's a little background to my moment with God today (I'm laughing because isn't there always a back story to my story...bless my soul). So I've come to the point in my path of motherhood when I feel like things aren't always coming so natural to me. I was very blessed when Lauren was born- I felt like I took to motherhood like a fish to water. Yes, I still had my good days and not-so-good days but for the most part it seemed to come 'easy' to me. I'm not bragging, just laying the groundwork for my issue now. I do have to say though, I did think I had this parenting thing down- I was doing all the 'right' things so my child was sure to turn out 'right.' Even when the 'terrible twos' hit- I was still feeling on top of my game. Baby two came around and my disillusioned eyes started to notice where I might be 'falling short' as a mother. I'm not saying I was a perfect mom by any means, just that when situations arose, I felt I instinctively knew how to deal with them and I didn't have to work hard at solving issues concerning motherhood. Lately though, I noticed that I might fuss in a louder tone than before, get more frustrated with the days tasks and/or the mood of my child, I would feel more and more overwhelmed and lose sight of God and others in my determination to stay in control of my life. I would notice that I didn't have all the answers or the right words to deal with the tantrum, issue, or situation that arose on any given day. All of a sudden this mothering thing didn't see to flow like a small brook but sometimes more like a raging river, with rapids and no life jacket. I can often feel caught up in it all and some moments like I'm not even afloat anymore.

At the same time I was convinced that someone else must have this parenthood thing figured out. There must be a way back to the babbling brook I felt I was in before. I mean someone must be able to instruct me on how to get my first child to share and be more inviting of her younger sister's presence...etc. I would (or still do some days) get annoyed as I scrolled down my FB newsfeed, as the cute pictures of everyone elses perfect life flashed before me. I would think to myself that for sure all the other moms have nothing but happy days of playing with their well behaved children, creating fun crafts, happy meals around the table, and memories sprinkled with fairy dust. That they have this magic ability to take child rearing better than I. I mean look at this picture people- they must have it all figured out!! Or even worse I would catch myself thinking, "If I just..."- and we all know that this is the devil taunting you with all he's got and a nasty slippery slope if we dare believe him.

Even after just admitting to myself that which I just wrote above, I'm going to say in the next breath that I'm very logical (I know you're laughing and thinking that what you read above is the opposite of logical, yes, I know, keep with me here). I know that it is illogical to think that in this fallen world that anyone one of us has it all under control. To say that some perfect person is raising the perfect child is just fictional in every sense of the way. So why was I letting things get the best of me. Why was this dream role of motherhood starting to feel more like work than play? Why was this happy motherhood thing seeming so attainable for other but not for me? Where did I mess up? Why was my role as mommy not always feeling easy and comfortable? Why do I feel drained and looking for something to make it easier?

Well today God told me. He told me that life is hard work. It's about working hard and staying true to Him. We shouldn't expect anything in this life came easy. Even Adam and Eve in the wonderful, paradise of the garden were asked to work. In Genesis 2:15 it says "The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it." And let me tell you this mom gig is work, 24/7, even when you're sick. Even when you have a great husband to help you out. It is just hard work. It's hard work to make it so my child isn't just in front of the television all day. It's hard work to teach my children how to be gracious and understanding, all the while trying to remind myself to be that way too. When I'm wondering why my child is once again _______ (fill in the blank)_____ and how I should deal with it- it's hard work navigating how to handle it all. I'm working hard to try no to screw it all up and that is so hard, ha- hence the hard in hard work! Why does it seem so easy for everyone else?!? Well it's not- and I need to stop listening to the devil when he taunts me with those thoughts. When I know in my logical head that it isn't any easier for anyone else- I need to remember that.

I remember when I began reading the Old Testament portion of the The Story. Reading the Israelites story unfold and watching them see God's miracles one after another and then two paragraphs later them complaining about one thing or another- thinking in my own head "what's wrong with these people!" Well guess what, I'm those people!!!! My goal orientated self keeps thinking once I get through _________ then things will settle down, things will get a little easier, things won't seem as bad, things will get better. But that isn't how this life works, now is it. It's the lesson that took them 40 years to figure out. And we all knew that they still hadn't truly figured it out even after they arrived in the promised land. So here I am realizing, again, that this is a journey, not a destination. There is no point when I just get to park it, throw up my feet, and lay back. Although we have God and His blessings he pours out onto us- we still have work to do- His work.

I also felt God really not just telling me, Jennifer this mom thing is hard. It's not going to get easier. Yes, there may be seasons of motherhood that are calmer and easier to sail than others, but its always going to be work. Hard work. But He also spoke to my heart and said to me that when things are hard and you feel drained, out of options, at your wits end, come to Me! "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28. I felt so comforted in that moment. So ready to lay it all at His feet.

I think one of the reasons I felt so heavy and down is that I really wasn't allowing myself to open up about it. Because opening up about the way I was feeling would make me vulnerable and like I was admitting I've done something wrong, or that I don't have a clue what to do. When really I don't, but that is sometimes hard to admit. I did try to reach out to some friends about how my heart felt but it just didn't ever make me feel better- mostly because I wasn't admitting the true extent of how I felt and because they're trying to figure this mom thing out too. It's hard because we are all different people, with different children, so what might have worked for me may not work at all for you and vise versa. There isn't anyone on this earth who can come into my house, tell me how to raise my children, and tell me what is right for me and Matt and our girls. So, I never walked away from those conversations feeling the way I felt today when God spoke to me. 

God is our ultimate best friend and parenting guru. He is there ALL the time. He knows exactly what you're going through and can not just sympathize, but empathize with us. He can guide us with His wisdom. He can listen to us when we just need to 'vent' out our issues. To troubleshoot our problems. He can forgive us with his grace and mercy when, for time number 758 we've probable screwed it up, again. He'll tell us to not lose hope. He'll help guide us- we just need to look to Him for it, we need to pick up our Bible- and not FB to see how we might do it right next time. We need to stop and pray and give it over to Him.

Today I left church invigorated, like I had just had a great workout. I had energy and encouragement. I was ready to do it right this time- then it wasn't but seconds after getting home I was right back to being tested and working hard and dealing with a little girl who needed my tender words and understanding- and it wasn't but a few hours later that I felt strained and frustrated. However, this time I took a different approach. I stopped prayed and came at it again- trying so hard to try again. Then God blessed me with naptime. Sometimes a little nap can go a long way. So while the house remains quiet I'm going to go seek some of my Father's wisdom, from a good, comforting book and I pray that I remember this again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the many days that follow. So I can feel the tender embrace that only a loving parent can give, to carry me through my journey as a mom.

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:21-25

I've got 3.2 seconds...

...or maybe a few more. But really Matt took the girls to Petsmart and I told him I still hadn't gotten the upstairs vacuumed this week, so I would rather stay behind and get that done. He is an amazing father and husband so I was granted my wish! Well I just did the fastest vacuuming ever and now I'm on here because as I was vacuuming and a little while I was hurrying through the dinner dishes I had so many thoughts running around, so lucky me I'm done with time to write!!

First, I had a moment today where I felt like a horrible mom. Let's start a little earlier though. Like 4am, yes I was awake for the second morning in a row at that wee hour. Olivia was so sweet to awaken me and beckon me to her side. As we laid her down last night we were pretty sure we were going to be facing the first ever ear infection our house. Olivia had been tugging at her ear and waking up crying and fussy, which for her is very rare. So when my wake up call came, so did the meds. Oh I honestly feel for the moms who parented before modern medicine, bless their hearts! 

I called the doctors as soon as my still very sleepy eyes woke me up. The sweet lady said that our primary doctor was in the office location closest to our house (score!) and that she would call me back after talking with the nurse to see if they could squeeze me in. Lucky us we got in, saw the doctor and then got the great news that no infection, just ~5 teeth are making their way in and that is most likely the culprit. Poor baby, I'd be fussy too!

So here is where I was struggling to head to the doctors- I rushed Lauren out the door ahead of me so I could attempt to lock the door with an arm full of stuff, including but not limited to Olivia and gear, well I didn't noticed until too late that it was a sheet of ice. By the time my lips could even form the words "careful it's very icey" she was in the air and landing on her backside! I felt horrible. And even worse there was snow/ice everywhere so I couldn't put down Olivia and gear and snuggle her and make it okay- Just had to struggle picking her up with the three available fingers and wait until I got to the car and set everything down. Which just a funny sidenote- the other day I totally came to the door, arms yet again full of stuff, and pointed my car key fabb at the door and hit the unlock button!! And the worst was when I turned the handle BEFORE I realized that I was not at the car but the house- when is someone going to invent a house door that opens that way...come on people!!! Oh the moments of a mama's life...

Then to make my mommy guilt a little thicker, when we got home I did the triple "no." I've determined as a mommy that on the third "no" given to a child it is 99.999999% likely your child will throw a tantrum. First, she wanted to watch a movie- no. Fussy, fussy but not yet a full blown tantrum. Second, she wanted to go upstairs and play with me- no, time to get lunch ready. Fuss, fuss, and still hanging in there. Third, she asked to get on the computer- braced myself, no. OH MY I think her grandparents nine hours away heard that tantrum. I felt awful but we had friends coming within 10 minutes and I was pretty sure she could entertain herself for a few minutes, but she felt differently. Oh the joys!

I might have redeemed myself though, since today's nap/quiet time was very short. She came downstairs to help me with my house chores instead of play alone- but we got distracted by other fun stuff and only took care of the dishes. I guess the inch thick dust will have to wait, again, until tomorrow. I must not be the only parent who feels like living with a toddler and preschooler makes you feel manic. The highs and lows of our days sometimes make my head spin as we talk about them over the dinner table with daddy. I just hope that when we wake up a week later we only remember the good. 

I'm happy to say that I finished Olivia's second of four photo books. Thanks to The Children's Place, who gave out $29.99 coupons for Shutterfly with a purchase, I've been inspired to get her books done. But I lost one of the three coupons I had and I'm hoping it shows up before I finish the third book, which might happen. My mind is really just no what it use to be and I fear it's only going to keep getting worse.

Oh the door is opening and family has reentered the house- time for bath and bed- then a nice long sleep for myself with visions of happy kids and a clean house dancing in my head!

"May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4