I started writing this post in my head will doing the dishes last week. In fact, I did start a paragraph or two before walking away. But today I felt it was time to finish what I began understanding while in front of a sink filled with dishes. As a mom now I find solace in the weirdest places- and sometimes it's when I'm doing the dishes. I've been struggling the past few months, or longer if I really think about it. And today as I sat in the pew at church, God's message was delivered to me. I felt his Holy Spirit awaken in my heart. I heard Him who loves me most speak to my yearning heart, to my wondering soul, and to my weary spirit.
There's a little background to my moment with God today (I'm laughing because isn't there always a back story to my story...bless my soul). So I've come to the point in my path of motherhood when I feel like things aren't always coming so natural to me. I was very blessed when Lauren was born- I felt like I took to motherhood like a fish to water. Yes, I still had my good days and not-so-good days but for the most part it seemed to come 'easy' to me. I'm not bragging, just laying the groundwork for my issue now. I do have to say though, I did think I had this parenting thing down- I was doing all the 'right' things so my child was sure to turn out 'right.' Even when the 'terrible twos' hit- I was still feeling on top of my game. Baby two came around and my disillusioned eyes started to notice where I might be 'falling short' as a mother. I'm not saying I was a perfect mom by any means, just that when situations arose, I felt I instinctively knew how to deal with them and I didn't have to work hard at solving issues concerning motherhood. Lately though, I noticed that I might fuss in a louder tone than before, get more frustrated with the days tasks and/or the mood of my child, I would feel more and more overwhelmed and lose sight of God and others in my determination to stay in control of my life. I would notice that I didn't have all the answers or the right words to deal with the tantrum, issue, or situation that arose on any given day. All of a sudden this mothering thing didn't see to flow like a small brook but sometimes more like a raging river, with rapids and no life jacket. I can often feel caught up in it all and some moments like I'm not even afloat anymore.
At the same time I was convinced that someone else must have this parenthood thing figured out. There must be a way back to the babbling brook I felt I was in before. I mean someone must be able to instruct me on how to get my first child to share and be more inviting of her younger sister's presence...etc. I would (or still do some days) get annoyed as I scrolled down my FB newsfeed, as the cute pictures of everyone elses perfect life flashed before me. I would think to myself that for sure all the other moms have nothing but happy days of playing with their well behaved children, creating fun crafts, happy meals around the table, and memories sprinkled with fairy dust. That they have this magic ability to take child rearing better than I. I mean look at this picture people- they must have it all figured out!! Or even worse I would catch myself thinking, "If I just..."- and we all know that this is the devil taunting you with all he's got and a nasty slippery slope if we dare believe him.
Even after just admitting to myself that which I just wrote above, I'm going to say in the next breath that I'm very logical (I know you're laughing and thinking that what you read above is the opposite of logical, yes, I know, keep with me here). I know that it is illogical to think that in this fallen world that anyone one of us has it all under control. To say that some perfect person is raising the perfect child is just fictional in every sense of the way. So why was I letting things get the best of me. Why was this dream role of motherhood starting to feel more like work than play? Why was this happy motherhood thing seeming so attainable for other but not for me? Where did I mess up? Why was my role as mommy not always feeling easy and comfortable? Why do I feel drained and looking for something to make it easier?
Well today God told me. He told me that life is hard work. It's about working hard and staying true to Him. We shouldn't expect anything in this life came easy. Even Adam and Eve in the wonderful, paradise of the garden were asked to work. In Genesis 2:15 it says "The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it." And let me tell you this mom gig is work, 24/7, even when you're sick. Even when you have a great husband to help you out. It is just hard work. It's hard work to make it so my child isn't just in front of the television all day. It's hard work to teach my children how to be gracious and understanding, all the while trying to remind myself to be that way too. When I'm wondering why my child is once again _______ (fill in the blank)_____ and how I should deal with it- it's hard work navigating how to handle it all. I'm working hard to try no to screw it all up and that is so hard, ha- hence the hard in hard work! Why does it seem so easy for everyone else?!? Well it's not- and I need to stop listening to the devil when he taunts me with those thoughts. When I know in my logical head that it isn't any easier for anyone else- I need to remember that.
I remember when I began reading the Old Testament portion of the The Story. Reading the Israelites story unfold and watching them see God's miracles one after another and then two paragraphs later them complaining about one thing or another- thinking in my own head "what's wrong with these people!" Well guess what, I'm those people!!!! My goal orientated self keeps thinking once I get through _________ then things will settle down, things will get a little easier, things won't seem as bad, things will get better. But that isn't how this life works, now is it. It's the lesson that took them 40 years to figure out. And we all knew that they still hadn't truly figured it out even after they arrived in the promised land. So here I am realizing, again, that this is a journey, not a destination. There is no point when I just get to park it, throw up my feet, and lay back. Although we have God and His blessings he pours out onto us- we still have work to do- His work.
I also felt God really not just telling me, Jennifer this mom thing is hard. It's not going to get easier. Yes, there may be seasons of motherhood that are calmer and easier to sail than others, but its always going to be work. Hard work. But He also spoke to my heart and said to me that when things are hard and you feel drained, out of options, at your wits end, come to Me! "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28. I felt so comforted in that moment. So ready to lay it all at His feet.
I think one of the reasons I felt so heavy and down is that I really wasn't allowing myself to open up about it. Because opening up about the way I was feeling would make me vulnerable and like I was admitting I've done something wrong, or that I don't have a clue what to do. When really I don't, but that is sometimes hard to admit. I did try to reach out to some friends about how my heart felt but it just didn't ever make me feel better- mostly because I wasn't admitting the true extent of how I felt and because they're trying to figure this mom thing out too. It's hard because we are all different people, with different children, so what might have worked for me may not work at all for you and vise versa. There isn't anyone on this earth who can come into my house, tell me how to raise my children, and tell me what is right for me and Matt and our girls. So, I never walked away from those conversations feeling the way I felt today when God spoke to me.
God is our ultimate best friend and parenting guru. He is there ALL the time. He knows exactly what you're going through and can not just sympathize, but empathize with us. He can guide us with His wisdom. He can listen to us when we just need to 'vent' out our issues. To troubleshoot our problems. He can forgive us with his grace and mercy when, for time number 758 we've probable screwed it up, again. He'll tell us to not lose hope. He'll help guide us- we just need to look to Him for it, we need to pick up our Bible- and not FB to see how we might do it right next time. We need to stop and pray and give it over to Him.
Today I left church invigorated, like I had just had a great workout. I had energy and encouragement. I was ready to do it right this time- then it wasn't but seconds after getting home I was right back to being tested and working hard and dealing with a little girl who needed my tender words and understanding- and it wasn't but a few hours later that I felt strained and frustrated. However, this time I took a different approach. I stopped prayed and came at it again- trying so hard to try again. Then God blessed me with naptime. Sometimes a little nap can go a long way. So while the house remains quiet I'm going to go seek some of my Father's wisdom, from a good, comforting book and I pray that I remember this again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the many days that follow. So I can feel the tender embrace that only a loving parent can give, to carry me through my journey as a mom.
"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:21-25
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Sunday, March 9, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
I've got 3.2 seconds...
...or maybe a few more. But really Matt took the girls to Petsmart and I told him I still hadn't gotten the upstairs vacuumed this week, so I would rather stay behind and get that done. He is an amazing father and husband so I was granted my wish! Well I just did the fastest vacuuming ever and now I'm on here because as I was vacuuming and a little while I was hurrying through the dinner dishes I had so many thoughts running around, so lucky me I'm done with time to write!!
First, I had a moment today where I felt like a horrible mom. Let's start a little earlier though. Like 4am, yes I was awake for the second morning in a row at that wee hour. Olivia was so sweet to awaken me and beckon me to her side. As we laid her down last night we were pretty sure we were going to be facing the first ever ear infection our house. Olivia had been tugging at her ear and waking up crying and fussy, which for her is very rare. So when my wake up call came, so did the meds. Oh I honestly feel for the moms who parented before modern medicine, bless their hearts!
I called the doctors as soon as my still very sleepy eyes woke me up. The sweet lady said that our primary doctor was in the office location closest to our house (score!) and that she would call me back after talking with the nurse to see if they could squeeze me in. Lucky us we got in, saw the doctor and then got the great news that no infection, just ~5 teeth are making their way in and that is most likely the culprit. Poor baby, I'd be fussy too!
So here is where I was struggling to head to the doctors- I rushed Lauren out the door ahead of me so I could attempt to lock the door with an arm full of stuff, including but not limited to Olivia and gear, well I didn't noticed until too late that it was a sheet of ice. By the time my lips could even form the words "careful it's very icey" she was in the air and landing on her backside! I felt horrible. And even worse there was snow/ice everywhere so I couldn't put down Olivia and gear and snuggle her and make it okay- Just had to struggle picking her up with the three available fingers and wait until I got to the car and set everything down. Which just a funny sidenote- the other day I totally came to the door, arms yet again full of stuff, and pointed my car key fabb at the door and hit the unlock button!! And the worst was when I turned the handle BEFORE I realized that I was not at the car but the house- when is someone going to invent a house door that opens that way...come on people!!! Oh the moments of a mama's life...
Then to make my mommy guilt a little thicker, when we got home I did the triple "no." I've determined as a mommy that on the third "no" given to a child it is 99.999999% likely your child will throw a tantrum. First, she wanted to watch a movie- no. Fussy, fussy but not yet a full blown tantrum. Second, she wanted to go upstairs and play with me- no, time to get lunch ready. Fuss, fuss, and still hanging in there. Third, she asked to get on the computer- braced myself, no. OH MY I think her grandparents nine hours away heard that tantrum. I felt awful but we had friends coming within 10 minutes and I was pretty sure she could entertain herself for a few minutes, but she felt differently. Oh the joys!
I might have redeemed myself though, since today's nap/quiet time was very short. She came downstairs to help me with my house chores instead of play alone- but we got distracted by other fun stuff and only took care of the dishes. I guess the inch thick dust will have to wait, again, until tomorrow. I must not be the only parent who feels like living with a toddler and preschooler makes you feel manic. The highs and lows of our days sometimes make my head spin as we talk about them over the dinner table with daddy. I just hope that when we wake up a week later we only remember the good.
I'm happy to say that I finished Olivia's second of four photo books. Thanks to The Children's Place, who gave out $29.99 coupons for Shutterfly with a purchase, I've been inspired to get her books done. But I lost one of the three coupons I had and I'm hoping it shows up before I finish the third book, which might happen. My mind is really just no what it use to be and I fear it's only going to keep getting worse.
Oh the door is opening and family has reentered the house- time for bath and bed- then a nice long sleep for myself with visions of happy kids and a clean house dancing in my head!
"May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4
First, I had a moment today where I felt like a horrible mom. Let's start a little earlier though. Like 4am, yes I was awake for the second morning in a row at that wee hour. Olivia was so sweet to awaken me and beckon me to her side. As we laid her down last night we were pretty sure we were going to be facing the first ever ear infection our house. Olivia had been tugging at her ear and waking up crying and fussy, which for her is very rare. So when my wake up call came, so did the meds. Oh I honestly feel for the moms who parented before modern medicine, bless their hearts!
I called the doctors as soon as my still very sleepy eyes woke me up. The sweet lady said that our primary doctor was in the office location closest to our house (score!) and that she would call me back after talking with the nurse to see if they could squeeze me in. Lucky us we got in, saw the doctor and then got the great news that no infection, just ~5 teeth are making their way in and that is most likely the culprit. Poor baby, I'd be fussy too!
So here is where I was struggling to head to the doctors- I rushed Lauren out the door ahead of me so I could attempt to lock the door with an arm full of stuff, including but not limited to Olivia and gear, well I didn't noticed until too late that it was a sheet of ice. By the time my lips could even form the words "careful it's very icey" she was in the air and landing on her backside! I felt horrible. And even worse there was snow/ice everywhere so I couldn't put down Olivia and gear and snuggle her and make it okay- Just had to struggle picking her up with the three available fingers and wait until I got to the car and set everything down. Which just a funny sidenote- the other day I totally came to the door, arms yet again full of stuff, and pointed my car key fabb at the door and hit the unlock button!! And the worst was when I turned the handle BEFORE I realized that I was not at the car but the house- when is someone going to invent a house door that opens that way...come on people!!! Oh the moments of a mama's life...
Then to make my mommy guilt a little thicker, when we got home I did the triple "no." I've determined as a mommy that on the third "no" given to a child it is 99.999999% likely your child will throw a tantrum. First, she wanted to watch a movie- no. Fussy, fussy but not yet a full blown tantrum. Second, she wanted to go upstairs and play with me- no, time to get lunch ready. Fuss, fuss, and still hanging in there. Third, she asked to get on the computer- braced myself, no. OH MY I think her grandparents nine hours away heard that tantrum. I felt awful but we had friends coming within 10 minutes and I was pretty sure she could entertain herself for a few minutes, but she felt differently. Oh the joys!
I might have redeemed myself though, since today's nap/quiet time was very short. She came downstairs to help me with my house chores instead of play alone- but we got distracted by other fun stuff and only took care of the dishes. I guess the inch thick dust will have to wait, again, until tomorrow. I must not be the only parent who feels like living with a toddler and preschooler makes you feel manic. The highs and lows of our days sometimes make my head spin as we talk about them over the dinner table with daddy. I just hope that when we wake up a week later we only remember the good.
I'm happy to say that I finished Olivia's second of four photo books. Thanks to The Children's Place, who gave out $29.99 coupons for Shutterfly with a purchase, I've been inspired to get her books done. But I lost one of the three coupons I had and I'm hoping it shows up before I finish the third book, which might happen. My mind is really just no what it use to be and I fear it's only going to keep getting worse.
Oh the door is opening and family has reentered the house- time for bath and bed- then a nice long sleep for myself with visions of happy kids and a clean house dancing in my head!
"May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4
Thursday, February 20, 2014
A Book, A Story, Some Photos, And An Olympic Dream
So what's kept me from posting in like FOREVER!!??!! Well as the title tells you, I'm sucked into a really good book right now that I have a hard time putting down (The Eleventh Hour: The Secret of the Rose By Michael Phillips). Even writing this makes me want to curl up on the couch with a blanket and the book. But I've told myself after a week of possible posts popping up in my head that if both girls fell asleep today that I would get on here. I so desperately needed to finish the previous post (note that Olivia turned one about a month ago and I just finished the post and published it) and get some of the crazy out of my head and onto here.
Also, although we've had about three or four "Wednesday Nights" at church cancelled due to the very snowy winter this year I've been keeping up with The Story too. My eyes have been opened so much through this study. Whether I've been leading the Sunday School class, Wednesday night study with the youth, or just enjoying the Pastor's sermons on Sunday it has been really neat to watch how God's story, when read in such a way, really helps us to see His plan, His will, His desire for us, His people. I have a hard time putting this book down too. But I'm having to make myself so I don't get so far ahead that I'm not inline with all the studies and getting things mixed and mingled (as happens in my brain often).
Oh and I FINALLY got Olivia's first photo book done. The poor girl was one and she still didn't have a photo book of her own. So I was working on that and can say I have the first of four done (doesn't sound like much when I put it that way). But I'm going to get right one the second one soon (leaving again less time to blog) since I have a coupon for a free one that expires in March- sometimes the right incentive is all a girl needs. Oh but doing the book brought me back to those first three months! It's so funny how when you're not sleep deprived and nursing, what feels like 24/7, how wonderful those first three months seems. When they're so tiny and you could just hold them all day long (in the fantasyland in which I live you can do this- even with your second). In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday and in others ways I have a hard time remembering any of it- it just goes by too quick.
Then there is these gosh darn Olympic games that keep me up late and glued to the TV when I can. I'm just addicted to watching it all. I've enjoyed the new sports they've added and I love learning all about the culture of the country they're in. I don't usually have the TV on during the day but it has been on a lot in our home these days. In fact I think it was the first time ever I wished we had a TV upstairs...which other than every two years when the Olympics is on would never get used. Needless to say I'll be sad when this weekend is over and we have to wait another two years for the summer games. I think I've made an Olympic viewer out of Lauren too. She has enjoyed the special nights when she watches them with me for a few extra minutes while daddy is putting Olivia down. Her favorite is the luge and the skeleton...yikes...she likes the big icey slide. She was bummed after watching the opening ceremony with me to find that they don't have flags waving for each event, lol. Gotta love that girl.
What else has been going on? Well we just got over a week or two of sickness. It started with me, but true to form my "Teacher Immune System" keeps me from being down and out for too long. In fact, this time around I just felt like I was going to get something bad, and was extra tired only to never have much come of it. Then Lauren, and Matt too. Lauren didn't get much more than me- except her nose was runny for a week or so. Matt, also true to form, was down and out for a week, plus. He was still able to go to work but was just done when he came home. Olivia got the worst of it, poor girl. She had a fever, runny nose, and was super tired and crabby once she spent what little energy she had. So by the end of last week I was feeling like a caged, wild animal. Matt was so sweet because he took on full time daddy duty this past Saturday and allowed me so repreve.
So what does a girl do...oh I decided an exercise class would be a great way to get me out the house and shake the muscle atrophy from the week. Well I'm still not 100% recovered from this. I did a class I've never done before called BodyPump. I had no idea what I was getting into. First I show up a minute or two late and didn't realized I should get there early since there was equipment to set up. So while everyone is doing the warm up I'm trying to figure out what I will need. Maybe missing the warm up caused me to ache so bad...yeah that's it. Anyway, I'm keeping up pretty well, muscles burning from each move. The class pretty much does a song per muscle group. So you spend like 3-5 minutes working each of the major groups, while holding weights. It was about halfway through when she instructed us we'd need a "free weight" that I didn't have and needed to get- it was that moment when my eyes opened to the pain I was going to be in. Bless my heart. I was trying not to be obtrusive, I started walking back to get the weight and I have never in my life felt like I did in that moment- the only way to describe the way in which my muscles were acting/feeling was to call myself a robot made of jell-o. I had to look at myself in the mirror when I was walking back to my spot just to see of other people could see what I was feeling. Oh I'm laughing now, but I wasn't then. Mind you I still had the majority of the hour left. I've ached for days- I've never felt so old. I'm hoping Zumba tonight will help shake out the last of the ache that is still lingering behind, a mere five days later.
Oh I also had a wonderful evening out with some friends for dinner that night too. It's funny, sometimes when I get together with people I use to work with I feel like such an outsider. I was thinking about why that is. It dawned on my earlier this week why. When we moved here all the friends I've made since we have been here were work friends. I've made friends at church too, but not too many my own age and not many that I hang with for the sake of hanging with outside of church- except Jason and Josh- I do miss them both dearly and this is just one of the reasons. Anyway, when I decided to stay home it was something that separated me from them and it separated us from a common bond. Now, I can related in a way to their work conversations and enjoy listen to them- but I'm not part of them. This evening happened to be a night with all women who still work at one of my former schools. It was just that when they were talking about school stuff I could just listen and nod my head and then when the conversation turns to me and what I've been up to, it's like we reverse roles- I talk and they nod their heads. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed my time out, a meal I didn't have to cook, and the adult conversation, friendly faces- but it just feels different. As I was continuing to analyze the situation and try to figure out why I feel this way, it has made me realize that the two friends whom I'm relate to the most these days are my sister (who lives seven plus hours away) and Esther (whom I usually see with kids in toe) and so I don't get out with these two ladies very often without kids. I don't feel like I want more friends, I have a hard time keeping up with the ones I have but I just needed to understand why it feels different, so I can get over it and move on. And thus I have. As the World Turns...
Oh I think I could honestly write for another hour, but dinner isn't going to cook itself and these girls are like a ticking time bomb this late in the naptime, so alas I'm forced back to the crazy I love- my life!
"What is God's character like?"..."What you've asked, Matthew, is the most important question in all of life. It is the universal question. Finding the answer to those five simple words you just spoke is the only thing life is really about." ~The Eleventh Hour, Michael Phillips page 165-166
Also, although we've had about three or four "Wednesday Nights" at church cancelled due to the very snowy winter this year I've been keeping up with The Story too. My eyes have been opened so much through this study. Whether I've been leading the Sunday School class, Wednesday night study with the youth, or just enjoying the Pastor's sermons on Sunday it has been really neat to watch how God's story, when read in such a way, really helps us to see His plan, His will, His desire for us, His people. I have a hard time putting this book down too. But I'm having to make myself so I don't get so far ahead that I'm not inline with all the studies and getting things mixed and mingled (as happens in my brain often).
Oh and I FINALLY got Olivia's first photo book done. The poor girl was one and she still didn't have a photo book of her own. So I was working on that and can say I have the first of four done (doesn't sound like much when I put it that way). But I'm going to get right one the second one soon (leaving again less time to blog) since I have a coupon for a free one that expires in March- sometimes the right incentive is all a girl needs. Oh but doing the book brought me back to those first three months! It's so funny how when you're not sleep deprived and nursing, what feels like 24/7, how wonderful those first three months seems. When they're so tiny and you could just hold them all day long (in the fantasyland in which I live you can do this- even with your second). In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday and in others ways I have a hard time remembering any of it- it just goes by too quick.
Then there is these gosh darn Olympic games that keep me up late and glued to the TV when I can. I'm just addicted to watching it all. I've enjoyed the new sports they've added and I love learning all about the culture of the country they're in. I don't usually have the TV on during the day but it has been on a lot in our home these days. In fact I think it was the first time ever I wished we had a TV upstairs...which other than every two years when the Olympics is on would never get used. Needless to say I'll be sad when this weekend is over and we have to wait another two years for the summer games. I think I've made an Olympic viewer out of Lauren too. She has enjoyed the special nights when she watches them with me for a few extra minutes while daddy is putting Olivia down. Her favorite is the luge and the skeleton...yikes...she likes the big icey slide. She was bummed after watching the opening ceremony with me to find that they don't have flags waving for each event, lol. Gotta love that girl.
What else has been going on? Well we just got over a week or two of sickness. It started with me, but true to form my "Teacher Immune System" keeps me from being down and out for too long. In fact, this time around I just felt like I was going to get something bad, and was extra tired only to never have much come of it. Then Lauren, and Matt too. Lauren didn't get much more than me- except her nose was runny for a week or so. Matt, also true to form, was down and out for a week, plus. He was still able to go to work but was just done when he came home. Olivia got the worst of it, poor girl. She had a fever, runny nose, and was super tired and crabby once she spent what little energy she had. So by the end of last week I was feeling like a caged, wild animal. Matt was so sweet because he took on full time daddy duty this past Saturday and allowed me so repreve.
So what does a girl do...oh I decided an exercise class would be a great way to get me out the house and shake the muscle atrophy from the week. Well I'm still not 100% recovered from this. I did a class I've never done before called BodyPump. I had no idea what I was getting into. First I show up a minute or two late and didn't realized I should get there early since there was equipment to set up. So while everyone is doing the warm up I'm trying to figure out what I will need. Maybe missing the warm up caused me to ache so bad...yeah that's it. Anyway, I'm keeping up pretty well, muscles burning from each move. The class pretty much does a song per muscle group. So you spend like 3-5 minutes working each of the major groups, while holding weights. It was about halfway through when she instructed us we'd need a "free weight" that I didn't have and needed to get- it was that moment when my eyes opened to the pain I was going to be in. Bless my heart. I was trying not to be obtrusive, I started walking back to get the weight and I have never in my life felt like I did in that moment- the only way to describe the way in which my muscles were acting/feeling was to call myself a robot made of jell-o. I had to look at myself in the mirror when I was walking back to my spot just to see of other people could see what I was feeling. Oh I'm laughing now, but I wasn't then. Mind you I still had the majority of the hour left. I've ached for days- I've never felt so old. I'm hoping Zumba tonight will help shake out the last of the ache that is still lingering behind, a mere five days later.
Oh I also had a wonderful evening out with some friends for dinner that night too. It's funny, sometimes when I get together with people I use to work with I feel like such an outsider. I was thinking about why that is. It dawned on my earlier this week why. When we moved here all the friends I've made since we have been here were work friends. I've made friends at church too, but not too many my own age and not many that I hang with for the sake of hanging with outside of church- except Jason and Josh- I do miss them both dearly and this is just one of the reasons. Anyway, when I decided to stay home it was something that separated me from them and it separated us from a common bond. Now, I can related in a way to their work conversations and enjoy listen to them- but I'm not part of them. This evening happened to be a night with all women who still work at one of my former schools. It was just that when they were talking about school stuff I could just listen and nod my head and then when the conversation turns to me and what I've been up to, it's like we reverse roles- I talk and they nod their heads. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed my time out, a meal I didn't have to cook, and the adult conversation, friendly faces- but it just feels different. As I was continuing to analyze the situation and try to figure out why I feel this way, it has made me realize that the two friends whom I'm relate to the most these days are my sister (who lives seven plus hours away) and Esther (whom I usually see with kids in toe) and so I don't get out with these two ladies very often without kids. I don't feel like I want more friends, I have a hard time keeping up with the ones I have but I just needed to understand why it feels different, so I can get over it and move on. And thus I have. As the World Turns...
Oh I think I could honestly write for another hour, but dinner isn't going to cook itself and these girls are like a ticking time bomb this late in the naptime, so alas I'm forced back to the crazy I love- my life!
"What is God's character like?"..."What you've asked, Matthew, is the most important question in all of life. It is the universal question. Finding the answer to those five simple words you just spoke is the only thing life is really about." ~The Eleventh Hour, Michael Phillips page 165-166
Has it already been a year?!?
Oh how the years seem to fly by. Can it be that my little girl is already 1?? I look back and it feels like yesterday I was busting at my seams and ready to get her out and now she's one. I jokingly ask Matt if he thought she'd fit back in, and he looked at me like I was nuts. My little one is approaching toddlerhood and I reflect back on a wonderful year filled with memories because our family grew by one.
It seems like it was just January 2013 and I was anxious. I was done nesting and the house was ready. I was big and uncomfortable. I was just not looking forward to getting bigger and waiting any longer to meet this precious little one snuggled safely in my belly. I kept telling myself that she was going to be late and I just needed to get over that feeling of being spoiled by Lauren's early arrival. But then one Thursday night I started having contractions, and infact I thought she was on her way. After a few hours of pretty good contractions, they went away. Just a few days later though- much to our surprise my water broke, sending us to the hospital. That was a long stay in labor and delivery. Although it was very clear to Matt and I, the doctors couldn't find any traces of fluid making it unclear to them what was going on. After a long night of wondering and worrying, the ultrasound doctor inferred that I most likely broke higher up and that it might have resealed upon itself. After much discussion with the doctors though, we decided it was time for her to come out. Just a few hours later I was holding my second child. With love in our eyes we just couldn't get enough of this gift, this tiny blessing from God.
The first three months of your life were pretty easy going- Olivia loved to sleep and got into a schedule pretty easily. She had no problems nursing and except for a rashy behind, that would not go away, she was happy, healthy, and we just loved on her. We settled into life as a family of four pretty nicely.
Right as she turned three months we had her baptized. Matt parents made it down and it was nice that Olivia's "God Parents" (no we're not Catholic, but we have picked out special friends to be extra special people for each of our children) were in town too. So many people were there to watch us give her over to our Loving Lord and our wonderful church family.
The welcomed warm weather had us going outside and spending time with friends. She continued to be such an easy baby. Thinking back it seems like nothing to just pack one more up and head out- although I'm sure at the time it felt like a daunting task.
Then we were off on our first vacation as a family of four and we enjoyed a week at the beach and Matt's wonderful family. We spent a lot of hot days swimming in the pool and playing in the water in the backyard through the spring and summer. Olivia enjoyed the water but it took her a while to get comfortable in the 'big pool', she was so cute in her swimsuit splashing around with Lauren. Oh what sweet memories.
Last summer was also the first time we camped in our back yard. Easy going Olivia just rolled with plan and enjoyed sleeping in the tent. Olivia started enjoying solid foods this past summer too- her favorites were vegetables and she didn't much care for oatmeal or cereals, but she sure did enjoy food.
Then, before we knew it, we were off on another adventure with some great friends! Melissa and Phil headed down our way to meet Olivia for the first time and spend a week at a lake not too far from our house. It was here that Olivia sat up on her own for the first time. It is so cool to have that memory! It was also the first time she rode on a boat.
I'm looking back at pictures to remember, what feels like the fastest year of my life. We were so busy just enjoying friends and each other. Doing things and adjusted to being a family of four. Olivia just seemed to fit perfectly into our craziness.
She is my little love bug- she loves to be loved on and yet she's also just goes off and busies herself with whatever toy she can find. She loves her big sister and wants to be doing whatever she's doing.
This fall we found ourselves constantly going as well. Playdates, school fun, and friends kept us busy. Olivia, and the rest of us, enjoyed the girls first trip to an amusement park. Enjoying time with Aunt Shauna, Uncle Charley, and cousin Finn while we camped out was tons of fun too. Olivia's rolls of "love" were enjoyed by her Aunt and her plump cheeks were given many kisses by Uncle Charley and Cousin Finn!
Before we knew it Halloween was here and were were enjoy the cool days of fall. Olivia started scooching around- no not crawling- scooching. Oh she was too funny. I think she enjoyed the upright position and the hardwood floors were nice and perfect for this crazy mode of transportation. Lauren was in for a surprise when Olivia could finally got what her eyes and heart so desired, Lauren's trains!
Fall quickly turned to winter and we found ourselves visiting with family again. We had such a great time with my mom, step-dad, sister, and nephew for a week of time away. It was sweet to watch Finn chase after Lauren, and Olivia scoot after Finn the whole week. Then it was time for Olivia's first Christmas, which I've decided might be my favorite one ever. Watching Olivia be more excited about the boxes and paper then the toys was too cute. And Lauren was so into the whole thing, since Christmas is the season I so love she's jumping in with excitement too, and it is starting to make sense in her little world. I know Olivia will catch on that much quicker as she continues to have eye only for her big sister.
This year with them has been an interesting one. My utopian moment of having Lauren fawn all over her little sister was gone before it even started. But I'm enjoying watching them, now more so, grow together to be best buddies. Lauren in her sweetness will out of the blue do the sweetest things for Olivia. Oh does she get praise for this. Then in my next breath Lauren is yelling "NO OLIVIA!!!" because she does want her touching her _________ (fill it the blank with just about anything). The best is when Olivia is clearly, completely uninterested(sometime not even in the same room as her) with Lauren and still Lauren is having a royal fit about Olivia's potential desire to play with her stuff. I can't wait to see how the next 12 months will continue to change their sweet relationship.
Oh my sweet Olivia. I am in awe of how she is 1 year old!!!! This past Monday my youngest girl turned 1. In one fast weekend she went from baby to toddler as she took her first wobbly steps to me at Matt's parents house. And if turning one and taking her first steps wasn't enough- she cut her first tooth somewhere in there too. But with all the packing, traveling, visiting, and excitement it was the doctor, at her one year check up this past Thursday, who noticed she finally got her first tooth. She continues to be an easy-going girl. She will however, stand up for herself now a days when big sister tries to take what she has or when she gets her diaper changed and she'd rather be doing something a lot more fun than sitting still for just a few moments in time. It is a true joy to watch her, play with her, and love on her. I especially enjoy as she hugs us back now and will give you a very wet, and opened mouth kiss (with some tongue if you're lucky- gross). We find that we are holding on real tight to this time before the full force of toddlerhood sets in. The doctor asked if her 'independence' has kicked in yet (or what is commonly referred to as the terrible twos) and I said "no" but with eyes that said do we really have to go there again? Can't this one skip over that stage!?! Honestly I enjoy watching their personalities unfold in front of my eyes- as God's little gift gets unwrapped just a little bit more- I'm not sure I'd really pass it by if I could- the 'good' or the 'bad.' So Amen and praise for a wonderful first year! Prayers and blessings for many more wonderful years!
Olivia may you always remember:
It seems like it was just January 2013 and I was anxious. I was done nesting and the house was ready. I was big and uncomfortable. I was just not looking forward to getting bigger and waiting any longer to meet this precious little one snuggled safely in my belly. I kept telling myself that she was going to be late and I just needed to get over that feeling of being spoiled by Lauren's early arrival. But then one Thursday night I started having contractions, and infact I thought she was on her way. After a few hours of pretty good contractions, they went away. Just a few days later though- much to our surprise my water broke, sending us to the hospital. That was a long stay in labor and delivery. Although it was very clear to Matt and I, the doctors couldn't find any traces of fluid making it unclear to them what was going on. After a long night of wondering and worrying, the ultrasound doctor inferred that I most likely broke higher up and that it might have resealed upon itself. After much discussion with the doctors though, we decided it was time for her to come out. Just a few hours later I was holding my second child. With love in our eyes we just couldn't get enough of this gift, this tiny blessing from God.
The first three months of your life were pretty easy going- Olivia loved to sleep and got into a schedule pretty easily. She had no problems nursing and except for a rashy behind, that would not go away, she was happy, healthy, and we just loved on her. We settled into life as a family of four pretty nicely.
Right as she turned three months we had her baptized. Matt parents made it down and it was nice that Olivia's "God Parents" (no we're not Catholic, but we have picked out special friends to be extra special people for each of our children) were in town too. So many people were there to watch us give her over to our Loving Lord and our wonderful church family.
The welcomed warm weather had us going outside and spending time with friends. She continued to be such an easy baby. Thinking back it seems like nothing to just pack one more up and head out- although I'm sure at the time it felt like a daunting task.
Then we were off on our first vacation as a family of four and we enjoyed a week at the beach and Matt's wonderful family. We spent a lot of hot days swimming in the pool and playing in the water in the backyard through the spring and summer. Olivia enjoyed the water but it took her a while to get comfortable in the 'big pool', she was so cute in her swimsuit splashing around with Lauren. Oh what sweet memories.
Last summer was also the first time we camped in our back yard. Easy going Olivia just rolled with plan and enjoyed sleeping in the tent. Olivia started enjoying solid foods this past summer too- her favorites were vegetables and she didn't much care for oatmeal or cereals, but she sure did enjoy food.
Then, before we knew it, we were off on another adventure with some great friends! Melissa and Phil headed down our way to meet Olivia for the first time and spend a week at a lake not too far from our house. It was here that Olivia sat up on her own for the first time. It is so cool to have that memory! It was also the first time she rode on a boat.
I'm looking back at pictures to remember, what feels like the fastest year of my life. We were so busy just enjoying friends and each other. Doing things and adjusted to being a family of four. Olivia just seemed to fit perfectly into our craziness.
She is my little love bug- she loves to be loved on and yet she's also just goes off and busies herself with whatever toy she can find. She loves her big sister and wants to be doing whatever she's doing.
This fall we found ourselves constantly going as well. Playdates, school fun, and friends kept us busy. Olivia, and the rest of us, enjoyed the girls first trip to an amusement park. Enjoying time with Aunt Shauna, Uncle Charley, and cousin Finn while we camped out was tons of fun too. Olivia's rolls of "love" were enjoyed by her Aunt and her plump cheeks were given many kisses by Uncle Charley and Cousin Finn!
Before we knew it Halloween was here and were were enjoy the cool days of fall. Olivia started scooching around- no not crawling- scooching. Oh she was too funny. I think she enjoyed the upright position and the hardwood floors were nice and perfect for this crazy mode of transportation. Lauren was in for a surprise when Olivia could finally got what her eyes and heart so desired, Lauren's trains!
Fall quickly turned to winter and we found ourselves visiting with family again. We had such a great time with my mom, step-dad, sister, and nephew for a week of time away. It was sweet to watch Finn chase after Lauren, and Olivia scoot after Finn the whole week. Then it was time for Olivia's first Christmas, which I've decided might be my favorite one ever. Watching Olivia be more excited about the boxes and paper then the toys was too cute. And Lauren was so into the whole thing, since Christmas is the season I so love she's jumping in with excitement too, and it is starting to make sense in her little world. I know Olivia will catch on that much quicker as she continues to have eye only for her big sister.
This year with them has been an interesting one. My utopian moment of having Lauren fawn all over her little sister was gone before it even started. But I'm enjoying watching them, now more so, grow together to be best buddies. Lauren in her sweetness will out of the blue do the sweetest things for Olivia. Oh does she get praise for this. Then in my next breath Lauren is yelling "NO OLIVIA!!!" because she does want her touching her _________ (fill it the blank with just about anything). The best is when Olivia is clearly, completely uninterested(sometime not even in the same room as her) with Lauren and still Lauren is having a royal fit about Olivia's potential desire to play with her stuff. I can't wait to see how the next 12 months will continue to change their sweet relationship.
Oh my sweet Olivia. I am in awe of how she is 1 year old!!!! This past Monday my youngest girl turned 1. In one fast weekend she went from baby to toddler as she took her first wobbly steps to me at Matt's parents house. And if turning one and taking her first steps wasn't enough- she cut her first tooth somewhere in there too. But with all the packing, traveling, visiting, and excitement it was the doctor, at her one year check up this past Thursday, who noticed she finally got her first tooth. She continues to be an easy-going girl. She will however, stand up for herself now a days when big sister tries to take what she has or when she gets her diaper changed and she'd rather be doing something a lot more fun than sitting still for just a few moments in time. It is a true joy to watch her, play with her, and love on her. I especially enjoy as she hugs us back now and will give you a very wet, and opened mouth kiss (with some tongue if you're lucky- gross). We find that we are holding on real tight to this time before the full force of toddlerhood sets in. The doctor asked if her 'independence' has kicked in yet (or what is commonly referred to as the terrible twos) and I said "no" but with eyes that said do we really have to go there again? Can't this one skip over that stage!?! Honestly I enjoy watching their personalities unfold in front of my eyes- as God's little gift gets unwrapped just a little bit more- I'm not sure I'd really pass it by if I could- the 'good' or the 'bad.' So Amen and praise for a wonderful first year! Prayers and blessings for many more wonderful years!
Olivia may you always remember:
"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all you ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:3-6
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
A little late, but still very blessed
A week in the middle of January brought about these blessings...
Heat when it was just too cold outside
Finally a clean bathroom
A kitchen stocked with one of our favorites
Getting back to school
A "to do" list that got "ta done"
A Friday morning that started with a "gourmet" breakfast
Thursday, January 9, 2014
A Week Filled with Blessings - How it began
This post series is something new I'm trying this year. Although not a resolution, it's an idea that developed from a book Lauren received at Christmas. The book is called The Blessings Jar: A Story about being Thankful and it's really sweet. It made me think about all the blessings that I have during a week and how I don't think I could fit them in a jar, but I could try and capture them in a blog post. I'm hoping to include pictures and try and do it on Fridays, when the week is unwinding. Feel free to contact me and join in on this series!
This post is just about why I felt lead to start it, and then tomorrow I'll start it. I actually started a post last week but never got around to finishing it, but after yesterday and a talk with a great friend, I was inspired to really go ahead a get this started. It was a bit of a roller coaster ride yesterday with Lauren and I. The morning started slow as we anticipated a day with not much going on- that was until Matt's famous last words as he kissed me goodbye and walked out the door were "You guys should have a pretty easy, slow day." It wasn't but another two breaths and the day took a turn. From the moment I heard "Mommy, I'm peeing" (when said little girl was not on the toilet) it was a day filled with struggles, and sprinkled with blessings. Sometimes I really wonder if every mom has these days, or is it just me?! By the time I talked with my dear friend that evening I was exhausted and feeling deeply desperate for someone to tell me it's okay. She told me when things feel like this to look at the week as a whole and when you do that it doesn't seem like it was a big of a struggle as when you look at the isolated moments of frustration and confusion. Her suggestion fit right into what I was already thinking of doing, so here I am beginning a series that reviews my week and a blessing for each day.
Now I want other reading this series to know that I'm finding the blessings in each day and that doesn't mean that I don't have days that make me want to scream and throw a toddler tantrum myself. There are moments I pray for God's grace and mercy to bubble up from the depths of my soul because I don't feel like I'm doing my children justice as we navigate our days. There are times we run late, we lose our temper, cups spill, we get upset with each others actions, we aren't as compassionate as we need to be, etc. I'm not perfect and neither are my children. We try though, to live out our lives in a manor that is pleasing to our Heavenly Father. We read the Bible and learn and study it as it is our guide to how God treats his people with endless compassion, mercy, and love. The ultimate parenting guide. And it shows us how Jesus lived his life, a sinless man in a sin filled world. His teachings give us lessons that can better us people. Just recently I read this quote and it struck a chord with my heart, the quote read "Being a Christian is less about cautiously avoiding sin than about courageously and actively doing God's will." ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer I can't live my life fearful of doing the wrong thing, but rather live my life, striving to do the right thing.
So after much rambling I hope you follow this as I try and look for the blessings in a life filled with craziness and cios. But we wouldn't want it any other way!!
"Being a Christian is less about cautiously avoiding sin than about courageously and actively doing God's will." ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer
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