Growing Again!

Here I am 29 weeks and I'm finally getting around to writing a post about expecting our 4th bundle of joy! I laugh because yesterday I had my 28 week appointment and the sweet nurse who was administering my rhogam shot (such a fun experience, since it has to go in your hip/butt area- I know TMI), anyway she was chatting with me about life and I told her how we had just moved to a new house this summer and she commented "oh moving while expecting..." and I said no, this baby is a product of being in the new house. We both laughed. But here I go, yet again, trying to fit 30 weeks of memories into one post...

So we moved into our amazing new house this past July. We love our house, it is a blessing times a million. We were in our house a little over a month when I got the positive pregnancy test. I was so shocked. I didn't expect it but I was super excited for it. I wanted to wait a bit to think of some fun way to tell Matt but that didn't happen because I live a real life over here. You see I had a feeling I was expecting even before the test results proved my intuition to be correct. I had been having infection symptoms and need to see a doctor to get medications. Due to all of this, the surprise was dismissed and I told Matt- who was as taken back as I with the speediness of it all. Anyway, we had planned a fun trip to a water park that day, something we had never done with the girls before but we had passes and wanted to take advantage of them, but that morning I had to call the doctors. So in I went got my medications and we set off to the water park. Here's a few pictures of that day.

The girls had a blast and have spoken of going back ever since. But that was our last hurrah before normal mommy became zombie mommy. 

Almost as soon as September set in so did my ever wonderful day sickness. I'm not sure who coined the term "morning sickness" but I consider them to be lucky because with every single pregnancy my sickness lasts all day long. This time on top of that I've had chronic infections (they just keep coming back- so annoying) and I had migraines through most of my 1st trimester. I had never had a migraine before so it was almost 4 of 5 weeks before I figured out what was going on. They were almost always stressed induced. Because I was stressed and pushed beyond my own capabilities through September and the beginning of October.

You see this pregnancy was more of a "if it happens, it happens" type of adventure. We wanted another sweet one for sure, don't get me wrong, every child is a blessing beyond measure! So the whole month of September was a bit busy to say the least. First, we were beginning our official adventures in homeschooling. Lauren entered Kindergarten and now I had to fill out forms and at the end of the year we have to provide evidence of achievement- a bit more official then the preschooling I had done the years previous. Then on top of that I had two to three days each week where I was watching Brooke and Norah for Sarah. Brooke was 4 and Norah was 9 months at the time. So adding two more to an already crazy full house, enough said. Then you top that off with the fact that we had just moved and things were by no means settled around here. We still had boxes of stuff in the garage, blank walls, unorganized stuff just laying around- aka things sitting there reminding me that I had stuff to do and no time/energy to do it. And then we also had lots of visiting grandparents (this was more of a blessing than anything but just something else added to the crazy). So if you're a math person like me, you can add all that up:

day sickness + 1st year homeschooling + extra kids + unfinished moving + life in general = one stressed, tired, cranky, headachy woman!

Once I discovered they were stressed triggered migraines I was able to take some Tylenol and better prepare myself for them but that wasn't until I was a good 4 weeks into this migraine thing. Basically I would wake up somewhat okay. Then as the morning wore on I would just feel overwhelmed with anything sensory. Lights were too bright, noises were too loud, smells were too smelly, I didn't want to be touched- I remember talking to my sister on the phone and describing this and feeling like I was on the spectrum. It was an overload to the extreme. On top of all that there was never ending pain in my head and neck. Because this fun migraine adventure I struggled with watching Norah. She herself was going through I bit of a rough time, since she was having chronic ear infections, which I was unaware of, and she would spend her days crying and crying. Needing to be held all the time. A huge stresser for me. And I had four other children to attend to! Please feel free to reread the description above about how the migraines made me feel and I swear to you there were some days I wanted to cry right along with her and might have had it not hurt more to do so. It was awful. My mom and step-dad visited at the end of September for a week and it was then, when see took over my roll as mommy and I got to lay all day that I realized they were headaches/migraines. So I was able to find a bit of relief in Tylenol but that just took the edge off, I still had many not so fun days with and without Norah.

One other big reason I struggle so much with the 1st trimester is because of my previous experience with miscarriages during this time. God now holds four sweet little ones of ours in his hands in heaven. All of my girls are rainbow babies and so I so struggle with getting through that time so I can stop holding my breath for the 'bad' to happen. This is the first time I've gotten pregnant and stayed pregnant without having a miscarriage first. Let me tell you I much prefer it this way. But because of the past cycle- get pregnant, miscarry, get pregnant, stay pregnant- it was very hard for my head and heart to get on the same page. During the worst of it all, the month of September, I kept telling God if he needed to take this baby (for whatever reason) this was it. I. Was. Done! Having three running around and trying to keep all of life moving was exhausting enough but I couldn't/wouldn't do this to myself again. You know some people say that feeling like crap during the first trimester is a good sign- well I've felt like crap a total of eight times now- yes all eight, no matter the outcome. I was just dead tired. We had just gone through a roller coaster of emotional and physical exhaustion with the house selling and buy process I was throwing in the towel if something happened with this one. I told Matt that if this baby went home to heaven then that was God's sign to me that we were meant to have three. I talked very bluntly to God in my prayers during that month- I was too tired to do anything but. And God answered right back at me and this baby is an answer to those dark time prayers. I'm not sure that I've expressed this the right way here or that it will make sense to anyone outside of my own self, but sometimes there are things for God and me to share and comprehend that no one else will quiet grasp because they're not me and that's okay with me. But I write on here for me, so I'm putting it all down.

Let's just say I was glad when September ended and as October moved forward. Things seemed to settle a bit more. By the end of October I was doing much, much better. I was watching Brooke and Norah way less since their grandparents had returned from their trip. When Matt's parents came at this time so we could enjoy a day trip to celebrate 11 years of marriage, I have a vivid memory of getting up at the crack butt of dawn and accomplishing a project around the house (putting up a shelf above the washer and dryer). It was the first time I had energy and the drive to do anything related to the house since the end of August. Plus, having them here meant I had help with the kids during the day so I could expend more energy in the morning and since I'd get a break in the middle of the day. 

By November I was feeling much better and we had the joy of having Matt's brother and girlfriend down with Matt's parents for a visit. Then we geared up for having my mom and step-dad back for 10 days at Thanksgiving, as well as my sister's family in for 5 days too (coinciding with my mom being here and the Thanksgiving holiday). It was a busy season for visits this fall. Everyone was excited about the house and we sure needed the help around here so they were all welcomed visits for sure. It is such a blessing to have a guest bed again! 

Anyway back to the baby. One of the biggest difference this time has been baby's big sisters. Lauren is so much older (6 now!) and she knew before we told her. She looked at me one day prior to us officially telling them I'm pregnant and said "You look like you have a baby in your belly!" Speaking of my already growing belly. I was taken back by her, as I often am, intuition. This time we decided to bring the two big girls to the 12 week ultrasound in mid October to announce to them/show them the baby in mommy's belly. They had no idea until they saw the picture on the flat screen hanging on the wall. They were both in disbelief at first. Lauren was much more aware of what it all meant and kept saying "there's a baby in mommy's belly!" and "I can't believe there is a baby in mommy's belly!" with such joy and excitement. That was so neat to watch. It's the first time my little ones are interested in me being pregnant. She's frequently asked the size of the baby and what the baby can do. It's been fun. I've only cracked open the What to Expect When You're Expecting book when she's asked me questions. The other day at High School Bible study one of the girls asked if the baby could hear- we had to look it up. I mean I was pretty sure it could at this stage but wasn't 100%. Things are different with number 4.

For instance, one thing I think any mom of more than one will tell you and that is that life slips through your fingers. Days go by so fast, though some seem to drag on like a bad dream, for the most part days fly by. Before you know it the week is gone and then the month and then the year. I mean really, how on earth is Lauren Shea 6?!?! I tell you each new baby makes time fly at a exponentially faster rate. It defies physics if you ask me. So this pregnancy is just flying by. I can't believe I'm in the third trimester all ready. Once November hit and I was feeling more 'me' and less 'zombie' it picked up the pace like we were sprinting for the finish already. But the second trimester always goes quick for me because it's my favorite. Your body looks less 'fat' and more 'pregnant.' You start to feel movement. You're not a hot mess with sickness. You are still small enough that you can move about with some ease. I always say I could be pregnant forever during this phase. My mind is not stressed about the babies health anymore. My spirits are up. People know and are excited to share with us. And if you choose, you can find out what you're having!

We again took the big girls with us to the 20 week ultrasound to find out the gender. It was so different this time. With Lauren I wasn't sure until I saw her face in a 4D ultrasound and then I knew she was a she. Then with both Olivia and Audrey, Lauren had them both pegged as sisters. In fact, she was so sure I just expected them to be girls. This time however, she had no intuition. That should have been my first clue. I've never had any intuition about my babies before the ultrasound tech showed us. When asked, Olivia wanted a brother and Audrey said "sisah" but I'm convinced she doesn't even have a concept of the word "brother" so of course she would say sister. But as you've probably already figured out, this time God decided to spice life up and he blessed us with our first baby boy! I guess the ultrasound tech wanted us to have no questions about that fact since she gave us four different pictures showing us that indeed he was a he! Matt was a bit taken back and when the tech left to get the doctor he asked to look at the pictures to be sure. Well I was sure. In fact, I called it out before she said anything. I had seen enough girls to know this wasn't one!

This time I already had a girl name selected. I was so ready to name her Rachel, but alas that name will not be used on my sweet little boy! This time around has been so tough since I feel like boy names aren't as fun as girl names. We had names selected for all three girls by this point in the pregnancy but not this time. I struggle so much because I don't like names that can be shortened. I think growing up Jennifer and everyone under the sun wanting to call me Jenny, which I don't like, drove me nutty. So that might explain why I like names that are what they are, end of story. Matt prefers more traditional names, as do I. So there are not many boy names that can't be shortened and have to be six letters...okay don't laugh or roll your eyes like Matt does but all three girls have 6 letters in their first name and 4 letters in their middle name. Also, the first names are special names to them- no one in the extended family shares that name- but their middle names are all family names. So now that I started that trend it's hard to just change it up, for me at least. So the search is on...still. I have a name I really like but Matt isn't 100% for. But hey, it took a bit for him to get on my side with Olivia so maybe he'll come around! Optimism is good for the soul. But I'm not going to write it here, yet. You'll have to wait until baby boy is born to see what we select. 

Food cravings have been somewhat different for all of my pregnancies. The only thing that remained the same with all of them is meat. I crave me beef, pork and chicken- all of it. I love me some Chick-fil-a chicken sandwiches and a good burger loaded with lots of yummy stuff. Hot dogs, ham, and deli sandwiches loaded with meat. Oh I must need the protein. Maybe that's why I've had such hairy babies! But with Lauren I had an aversion to yogurt- a staple food for me. But other than that I don't remember anything specific. Olivia I wanted anything and everything sweet- but especially ice cream with peanut butter on top. Then Audrey I don't remember anything specific (similar to Lauren) that I wanted I just wanted it all. Now this one I'm enjoying salty things and pickles. I've eaten a half a jar of pickles in a sitting and have purchased more jars during this pregnancy than the past 6 years previous to it. Just writing this makes me want to get some out and eat them!

Okay, I'm back from my pickle binge. Oh another comparison between the pregnancies is how I've carried them. Lauren and Audrey I carried very low. My hips were a hot mess (heck they still are to some degree), more so with Audrey since she was #3. Olivia I carried higher, so high that she gave me chronic heartburn through the whole pregnancy- sending me to the ER in 1st trimester because it was so bad I was having chest pains! Oh that was a fun day...err not. This little guy is more like Olivia and my hips have been much better this time around. Well that is until this week. I know I've entered the 3rd trimester since I can't sleep because I can't get comfortable and I toss and turn all night. If I sleep on my left side my right hip hurts and if I sleep on my right side limbs fall asleep- thus making me flop around like a fish, a very wide fish, a very slow fish. I've also had some trouble with heartburn so who knows. All I know is there is nothing "special" to this pregnancy that makes me feel like I'm carrying a boy and not a girl. All those old wives tails are just that. Well I take that back, his heart rate might have been an indicator since he followed the "boy" trend. He has been in the 140's pretty much the whole time (since 10 weeks when we heard it for the first time). Where the girls started higher, in the 150's, and then slowed over time to settle in the 140's. 

The last thing I'm going to ramble on about is the prep for a baby boy. With Lauren I decorated the nursery in green and purple with kind of a garden/flower theme. I didn't change that for either of the other girls. I just washed what I had and slapped it right back on the crib. Instead of focusing on the crib/nursery when baby girl #2 and #3 came along, I focused on the prep for the older child. Getting a big bed and the accessories for that. It was nice, I saved a lot of money that way. This time however, we're focused on both- a big girl bed for Audrey and boy decor for the crib and other things. I was very good at purchasing a 'gender neutral' stroller/ car seat, bouncy seat, swing etc. But I wanted the nursery to be girly. Now I want to make sure that this boy is not mistaken for anything but a boy! Following three girls is going to be hard enough already. Also, Audrey and baby boy are going to share a room. So thinking of a gender neural theme and color that are very "girl" and very "boy" that coordinate has been fun. Let's just say I've been on Pinterest a LOT these days. 

I've decided on stars. I'm still not sure how but I want to do a homemade star wall decoration with a bible verse. I've got three I'm thinking about - Psalm 148:3, Daniel 12:3 and Philippians 2:14b-16 (see below and vote if you think one is better than the others). I want to make a lamp shade with silver stars painted on it. I've gotten purple sheets for Audrey's bed and I've gone with navy blue for baby boy's crib. I'm still waiting on the crib bumper I ordered off ebay but I've got a plan navy crib sheet and a crib sheet with navy stars. The crib skirt and bumper are just white with navy strips. I've gotten a navy changing pad cover. The next big tasks is to go to Joann's and pick out fabrics for the quilts Ester and her mom are going to make for them. Her mom made the quilts on the big girls beds and it is so special. I felt very blessed that they were willing to do two more! But I need to go there when I can look around and really take my time. Plus, I still need to finish my measurements so I know how much to purchase. Just so much to be done, but just like the other rooms in the house these days...it'll be a work in progress for a while. I figure in about ten years I'll have each room as it should be, lol! Or not. 

All I know is that we feel blessed beyond measure with so much these days. A new house, a new baby, and a whole lot more- all blessings from our wonderful Heavenly Father. Oh I pray so often that as my little ones grow up that they see the evidence of God working in their lives, in our lives as a family. He is ever present and always loving. I pray their hearts see that so they can grab hold of his promises. Because when I look at our lives I see his finger prints on each and every moment.

Here I am with my sweet and crazy girls. As you can
tell it's Olivia's birthday. 

Praise him, sun and moon; praise him, all you shining stars. ~Psalm 148:3

Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever. ~Daniel 12:3

Do everything without grumbling or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure...Then you will shine among them like STARS in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. ~Philippians 12:14b-16

Finding Home - Part One and a Half

Finding Home - Part One and a Half

Jeremiah 17:7-8

"But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

Part 1.5 - Renting

Soooo the journey of selling our old home (Part 1) was quick, in retrospect of course. While we were in the thicket of it, yes it felt like forever! It was always our plan to sell before seriously looking for a new home. I was convinced I would find the perfect house before ours sold and then we'd have to watch it sail down the river with another crew aboard. I'm that way with a lot of things. I don't like to look for things until we have the money for them. Sure I window shop to some degree but I didn't want to do any SERIOUS house shopping until we knew our house was under contract. With that being said we always knew in the back of our minds that there was a possibility that we'd not find a house in time and we'd have to rent.

Well that possibility became reality, even though I never really thought it would. We looked at a few house but God had not yet revealed our house which seemed to work out okay since we had all the drama with the first contract falling through and then getting another one. I had even begun looking for temporary housing when we found the "Hoof" house. With this house we were going to do a quick close and so if we rented back our old house from the new owners for a few days we would have been just fine, however that was not the case. The "Hoof" house didn't workout (more to come in Part 2) and so on May 10th, just a few weeks from closing and being homeless (literally), we realized we'd have to find a house or apartment to rent in between homes. 

This moment was one I have so vividly etched into my memory. I remember talking to my mom and step dad on the phone when we realized the "Hoof" house wasn't going to work out and I needed to rally and figure out where God wanted us to go. My step dad told us to pray together. I got off the phone and laid with Matt in our bed and I told him I didn't have the words to pray and I don't think he did either. Our emotions were everywhere. Our thoughts all jumbled together. Our kids and our well being on the forefront of our over loaded minds. But in these times, times when you can't come up with the words, our loving God is there no matter what. Romans 8:26-28 tells us "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant conditions, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is working into something good." (The Message translation).

Just a few weeks earlier in my Thursday Bible study, before we'd found the "Hoof" house, I randomly asked if anyone knew of a place or had a place that my family could rent because we were about to be homeless (said in a joking manner). A lady I barely know, Darlene, (since she'd missed much of the study due to her husbands illness) said she had a place. It was in a part of town I wasn't familiar with and we exchanged information. About a week later she called me to say she didn't think the house would be ready in time for us to use it and I told her no problem since we'd found the "Hoof" house by that time, we wouldn't need temporary housing. I was so grateful for her willingness but was grateful too that I wouldn't need it.

Fast forward now two weeks and I'm at the same Bible study in tears and speechless. Frustrated and scared. Upset and nervous. In God's arms and waiting on His provision. Just two days earlier, Tuesday evening, I had found out that the "Hoof" house was no longer viable and we'd have to pass on purchasing it. The inspection report came back and it was revealed to us that we'd need another place to live and our house hunt would forge on. 

The Wednesday in between finding out we'd need temporary housing and Bible study, I had begun the day on the floor, in tears and on the phone with my mom. After getting all the frustration and tears out I began looking for townhouses and apartments. I must have called over 25 places. In the end I had two apartments complexes that could take us. The apartments available were both two bedrooms. Each one would have to be nothing less than a 6 month lease. Both of them cost over $1200 per month. And after a half day of searching I was at ends with God.

Really!?! He wanted me to put my family of 5 into TWO bedrooms. Let's not forget the cat. Plus we'd have to rent a bigger storage unit because we were not fitting our whole house into a two bedroom apartment, not to mention all of the stuff in our shed. I just cried and cried what felt like all day. I couldn't believe this is what God was asking of us?

So at Bible study that next day I just couldn't hold myself together. I just couldn't understand what God was doing with us and why. I wanted to put my faith and trust in Him who has it all worked out and I honestly had no other choice but why on earth a tiny little apartment God...really.

At the end of the study the women, oh my sisters in Christ, all showed such support as I poured out my heart. It was then that Darlene approached me again. She said "I just texted my husband and he said we will do everything in our power to get the house ready for you if you want it." I must have looked as beaten down as I felt, I could see it in her eyes as she looked at me.

The next morning we went and looked at the Darlene and Ray's rental house. Oh I can tell you now I was looking at it through God's eyes and not mine. It was in need of lots of love! It never looked unlivable but it was in rough shape. But they were going to work hard, he assured me, to get it into better shape. They were going to put new flooring in the kitchen and two bathrooms, new toilets, new vanities, new paint throughout, paint the kitchen cabinets, put up ceiling fans, new stove and dishwasher, new fence in the backyard, new shed doors, new window treatments, new kitchen facet and garbage disposal, clean up the hardwood floors, resurface the tub and put in new tub surround walls and some other things that are alluding me know. They had only 2.5 weeks to get it all done before we needed to move in. And God willing, they did got the majority of the work done hours before we moved in. And answered prayers we didn't even know to ask for. This house fit our needs- however temporary- God provided!

For instance, there were no washer and dryer here. Matt and I thought we could do the laundry mat or maybe rent a washer and dryer from one of those "Rent-a-Center" places or at times bum off friends. But the day after we walked through the house Darlene texted me that they were going to put a washer and dryer in too. Tears fell once more- we didn't even ask God but He knew. Although the washer and dryer proved to be the first of many trials we faced while living in the rental. You see, they didn't get hooked up until 5 days after we moved in- unknown to us until the day of move in. But hey those five days taught me that I wouldn't have lasted 6 weeks without a washer and dryer! God knew, oh yes, He knew!

Many more trails came to us after the washer and dryer were hooked up though. But first I want to sing the praises of God's provisions. The rental house might have been twenty plus minutes from everything and everywhere but it FIT.OUR.NEEDS. We didn't have to rent any other space. And the rent per month was a fraction of what we would have spent on those apartments! The shed fit all our 'shed stuff' and the patio fit our other outdoor stuff too (kids toys and patio furniture, etc.). There were THREE bedrooms! I never thought one bedroom could make or break me but this was HUGE after touring those tiny apartments. The biggest bedroom housed all three girls beds/crib and dressers plus three hampers and a nightstand. Matt and I had all of our bedroom stuff in a small bedroom where there is just enough room to walk around the bed and from the door to the closet (all we really need for a short stay). The third bedroom housed our many unpacked boxes, our food and Annabelle's stuff. The living room was plenty big enough and housed the majority of our furniture. The kitchen was sufficient and then there was one more room, I called it the back room- which is where we had the table and the computer desk. 

The house was only ~100 square feet less than our old house. I had to laugh when my FIL came up to me they day we moved into it and said "The movers don't think we're going to fit all your stuff in this house." I just gave him the "don't worry about it- it's going to work" kind of look. And to their astonishment it all fit fine.

One thing I wasn't prepared for, and I don't know if I ever could have been was the emotional aspect of the move. With all our physical needs being met, it was hard to anticipate the emotion roller coaster I'd be on as we moved into the rental. I was sad for leaving the old house, but not in a way that made me want to stay there. No, I was very ready to put that house behind us and found 'home' somewhere else. However, I wasn't ready to find 'home' in the rental. I was very tired after the trials of selling the house and I think I was very frail. This made living in the rental hard for me. This wasn't what I had planned, I know please keep your laughing to a minimum, but I didn't like the place. Not the actual place but what it meant emotionally.

It meant moving twice and all the physical, financial, and  emotional energy that this was going to take. It meant that I was going to have to stretch myself and live on faith that I didn't know I had. It meant that I was going to have to be patient once again. It meant that I was going to live in a state of limbo and have to hunt for my things and live out of boxes. It meant that I was going to have to rely on God more than ever before because God was taking us down a road that was going to cause us to hold onto our faith in Him and let the rest of it go, the rest of ourselves and our thoughts.

You see we didn't move in and have smooth sailing. No we had many trials during our first three weeks of living here. For the sake of organization I'm going to make a timeline of the tribulations and let you infer how we were broken down before God lifted us back up... 

Week One:
-No washer & dryer for five days
-My mom comes into town and is a huge emotion support 

Week Two:
-We lose air conditioning in the heat of summer for four days
-We lose our bathtub as they begin work on the tub surround and fixtures for three days
-My mom heads back to her home

Week Three:
-We lose power after a bad storm (just 24 hours after getting AC back) for three days

As I list it out it doesn't seem as traumatic as it felt during everything. But it just felt like one thing after another and I was emotionally spent before it all began. I went to bed exhausted each day and just waiting for what would come next. It seemed like every time I took a breath and felt like we must be through the worst of it, something else came along.

My mom had gone home on a Wednesday and the following Sunday at church (when we still had no power) she said she prayed that if nothing else God would give us back our AC. That a week without it was more than enough and if He was going to continue to mold us in these ways that he would at least give us cool air to weather the storm. 

But around the corner of each trial there was God provision. From friends who lent use of their washer and dryer and bathtub and cool house in the heat of the day. To the use of our church freezer for our food and refugee when the house was being worked on. To wonderful landlords who where doing things to make the house comfortable for us- including putting a new AC unit in. To having found our 'forever' home- giving me comfort that this time in our lives was temporary and that God's promises to provide and prosper us were as true during our trials as they were every other day of our lives.

I grew A LOT in that house. It was there that I really just lived on faith each and everyday, in a way I wouldn't have if we had gone from the old house right into a new house. God wants us to prosper. In 2 Corinthians 8:9, he says "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich." and in Jeremiah 29:11 He says, "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And these and many other promises didn't change just because my earthly circumstances did. God was providing for us and molding us to be more like Him and to have faith that can move mountains.

I often times want to write on here to get out all the love God shows me daily. I want to write down memories to reflect on later, memories my feeble brain might forget otherwise. But I also want a written archive of my faith journey. How God took the worldly heart of one woman and transformed it into a heart worthy of God's eternal, heavenly future. Of all the things God promises, easy is not one of them. Our selfish, sinful nature wants life to be easy and for things to be handed to us but God wants us to grow and become the person He brought us into this world to be and I don't want to be anyone else and the trials of this life will just make me realize that this is not our home! We were created for something bigger. So I'll leave you with a poem I came across and it really struck a cord in my heart. Don't worry...Part 2 is coming because our newest HOME is just moments away and I can't wait to share the story of how it came to be ours!!!

My Tangible God

I have been really, really wanting to get on here and write what has been on my heart lately and here God is giving me that opportunity. Two sleeping girls, Wednesday nights Bible study planned and Thursday's Bible study homework up to date and Matt isn't due home for a bit, plus, it's leftover night so no dinner prep needed! Can you see me dancing with joy like a fool! 

Life has been busy, as it usually is. Olivia turned 2 last week!!! Just blows my mind that she is two already. Potty training is on the up swing. She has been so good and is gaining control over it all. Allowing us to enjoy life in longer increments than the ol' 45 minute routine we had just a week ago. I'm so proud of her- she truly is a big girl now. Lauren is just plugging away, throwing surprises our way at every turn. She is so freakin' smart sometimes, I am truly amazed that the things she says (quite literally on a daily basis) and does. I sometimes just take a step back and enjoy the fun that it brings to our house. She's such a young lady. Matt said to me the other day that he wished he could put a little recording device around her neck so we could document all the wonder, beauty, and down right silly that just escapes her mouth all day long. I told him I would agree as long as it was just her voice you could hear when it was played back, lol, this mama doesn't need to hear her own voice anymore than I already do!

Look who can even pour her own cereal...well sort of 

Lauren's skills are a little better- she'll teach Olivia I'm sure

Matt's wonderful parents where down visiting us this past weekend. Always a blessing and an unexpected one too. Which leads me right into what I really, really want to put down in this post. 

I think it was last week Wednesday when could feel God walking through my day with me. It has been one of those times in my life when I truly feel like His presence is so tangible that it gives me the goosebumps (or chill bumps for you goofy folk ;-). So here goes my days.

Wednesday was going to be a crazy day, and for the most part it still kind of was. I had a baby appointment with the good ol' OB GyN. I always get excited for those appointments- for a few reasons. One, I usually go alone or with Matt and I enjoy either my quiet time or my alone time with Matt. Two, when you're pregnant with baby number three it's hard to find time to just bask in the glory of your pregnant state and these appointments give me time to do just that. Three, I love hearing my baby's heartbeat, oh such a sweet symphony of tones that makes my heart dance. So I was a bit disappointed when I realized that my absent minded pregnant self had also made Olivia's 2 year appointment for the same day. Or it might have been the other way around- I made my baby appointment for the same day as Olivia's, but you get the point. I can't be two places at once.

I called Matt when I realized my grave mistake. I told him the predicament and was secretly hoping he would solve all of my problems and be my hero once again. But no indeed he too could not figure out how I could be at two places at once. I had a babysitter coming, originally for both girls, so I wouldn't have to worry at all about Lauren- Amen! So I asked Matt if he could take the morning off to take Olivia to her appointment and then I would go alone to mine. He said sure and all was right. Expect it wasn't. I really LOVE going to their doctor appointments- for a few reasons (sound familiar? - if not reread the last paragraph again- and yes I hope you're laugh right along with me on this). One, I love their doctor- she is great and I'd be friends with her in the outside world if I could be. Two, I love finding out all about how they've grown and how they are doing. Three, I like to ask questions- it's in my DNA to be a question asker (ask everyone of my teachers and professors they will agree hands down, or up :-). With Olivia I'm forever asking about her food issues and this time was no different. 

So I prayed and got over it. There was just one small, very small, extremely small chance I could do both. My appointment was at 9:20 and Olivia's was at 10:15. And God afforded me another chance besides the appointments be staggered a bit, there was also the fact that we were at the West End pediatrians office (not our usually office). The appointments were at offices only ten minutes apart. I knew going into the day that it was very slim chance that I could pull it off. After all the OB GyN is so very rarely on time so I just prayed and figured I'd have to hear about Olivia's appointment from Matt. 

Well Jesus was in the car when I got an awesome parking spot in, and when "For the first time in forever..." (yes I'm signing Frozen songs on my blog post) the doctors office was running on time. I got into the room with plenty of time. I'm telling you I've never had an appointment run so smoothly every!!!! I even had time to chat with my doctor, whom I love dearly too, about life and kids as I listened to sweet baby's heartbeat. Then I had to get that ever so wonderful Rhogam shot and since the doctor's nurse was super busy they had another nurse do it and she was ready as soon as I was and I was able to get in quickly to have my blood drown too! I got in the car and raced over to Olivia's appointment. I had been texting Matt my positive progress the whole time. When I got into the car I had a text from him back and I might just make it. So off I zoomed. I pulled into the parking lot, ran (okay, walked quickly) into the office and asked the receptionist where they were. I walked into the room to see Olivia being a sweet girl and the best was when she lit up like a little Christmas Tree when I came into the room. I hugged her and thanked God, whom I swear to you was in the room with us enjoying the moment too. Dr. T and I chatted about baby number three and names. I found out she was as crazy with her children's names as I have been. She also has three children and was very intent to make sure her children's name went together just so. Matt zoned out but I was so excited to not be the only crazy mama who agonized over simple things while naming her babies because it mattered-  to me. But we also talked about the food allergies, which Matt hadn't gotten to so I was also grateful I didn't miss that conversation. Olivia got a wonderful report of heath and didn't even need any shots- just a finger prick, which was with her doctors usually nurse -another wonderful lady! The morning couldn't have gone any better- such an answer to prayer plus more! What a great God we have!!

Then we traveled home to enjoy lunch as a family before Matt had to scoot back off to work. We all enjoy when daddy is here for lunch. I tell you I was walking on Jesus' soft cloud all day and I'm sure he was right there with me. It honestly was a blessing beyond measure.

Then I was praying and praying for Thursday too. You see we have Bible study on Thursdays and last week was rough with Olivia's potty training and I felt awful for both her and the nursery worker. I had a plan of action to turn that frown upside down this week. And there it was Thursday and there He was- Jesus yet again by my side seeing prayers on my heart be answered. She did so good. They had woken up early that morning- so Olivia was able to do her daily morning business at home leaving this mama so hopeful that she was good to go in that department (the week before not so much and she ended up doing it in her pants and I know she was beyond devastated that she wasn't quite comfortable enough to do it in the potty). Anyway- with her #2 out of the way I just had to worry about getting the pee in the pot- I could do this. So I went to the nursery to bring her into the potty every hour or so and help her feel more comfortable. I just left my study to tend to her in the nursery. I had to go there three times but the second two times she was successful and came home in the same pants that she showed up in. I was so proud of her and again so thankful for the tangible evidence that my God cares for even the grossest of our needs.

So then that leaves us with this wonderful weekend. But of course I must backtrack a bit- I wouldn't be Jennifer if there wasn't a back story to everything I say- oh bless my heart. Anyway, I've been prayerful for a new dresser. You see this time around all I needed to do to get the 'house' ready for baby was to officially move all of Olivia's stuff into the 'big girls room.' She has been sleeping in there since December but her clothes still were housed in the nursery. One reason being I had no dresser to put her clothes into and the other being I hadn't gotten around to rearranging all the closets yet (I still have more work in that area but I know I'll get to it). So I started stalking Craigslist for the city we live in and the city Matt's and my family live it. I was finding NOTHING here. On top of being a very small selection, what I was finding was way over priced. I had specifics that couldn't be changed. I needed it to be a chest of drawers since I needed it to fit in the room. It also needed to be 5 drawers high, not 4, in order to fit in all the clothes. And I really wanted a wood that wouldn't clash with the dresser that was already in there housing Lauren's clothes. I'm not to needy...ha! So I did find one and my MIL looked into it but someone else had found it first. I wasn't too discouraged, I mean I do have three months until baby comes into the world needing clothes and all. I trusted God had one picked out for us and in His timing we would find it. I didn't however think he was going to have such an awesome plan, in a way only he can!

Then one week ago- on a Sunday night I got an email from Matt's mom. She found a beauty. I saw it and told her to go for it. It was even better than I could have imagined!! It was a double chest. So there are two columns of drawers- 5 high in the same dresser!! Thus allowing me to put both girls clothes in one dresser!!! Who even knew that existed?? Not I. On top of this fantasticness, it was just one piece of a set. There was a coordinating desk, chair, mirror, nightstand, and bookshelf. Now- ALL of this was in mint condition and ALL of it was just $250. Now we had budgeted about $100 for a used wooden dresser. But we didn't need all of the stuff in the group, so things could be resold offsetting the cost. Plus, Matt's parents so generously helped financially too. So the girls now have a new bookshelf, something I hadn't even prayed for but they needed (there was literally no room left on the one they had and we have many more years of book collecting in front of us). They also have a new nightstand that coordinates with their new dresser and bookshelf. I was just hoping for something that wouldn't clash but God had bigger and better things in store for us. Isn't He GREAT!!!!

Here's the dresser all set up, clothes inside! It fit perfectly into

the space. Just an answer to prayer plus so much more!

Here is the bookshelf...see the room for growth. 

It however is NOT all set up- just books thrown back

on so the floor wouldn't be covered anymore. 

A work in progress...

If this wasn't enough my in-laws were planning a random- we miss our grandbabies visit. So they were able to pick it up and bring it down to us just a few days later. They also took the dresser and nightstand that we already owned and had no room for back to there house for storage until God blesses us with our next home that we're hoping might have some more rooms and we can take it back from them. I was able to move the bookshelf from their room into the office for some much needed storage of school stuff. The house that once felt so big and somewhat empty is now feeling a little snug and not empty at all- and what a blessing that is!

My in-laws presence this weekend allowed for Matt to do a few things around the house and me too. Lauren took a trip to their hotel room again and we got some wonderful alone time with our now 2 year old. I love when we're able to make our children feel special in their own way. We were able to visit with them and enjoy their wonderful company too. I was able to run some errands and get some reorganizing done with the dresser swap, closet rearranging, and new bookshelf arrangement. 

Man the length of this post is beyond my usual attention span or my allotted time. But here I am still able to write. I just can't explain in words how amazing God's love is. I think of the way I try and do special things to make my children feel loved and important and cherished and then I see Him doing it to me. I think that is why I've been so adamant in getting this post down. I want to... 

Shout to the north and the south
Sing to the east and west
Jesus is Savior to all
He's Lord of heaven and earth

Rise up women of the truth
Stand and sing to broken hearts
Who can know the healing power
Of our awesome King of love

And Shout to the north and the south
Sing to the east and west
Jesus is Savior to all
He's Lord of heaven and earth

We've been through fire, we've been through pain
We've been refined by the power of Your name
We've fallen deeper in love with You
You've been the truth on our lips

Shout to the north and the south

Sing to the east and west
Jesus is Savior to all
He's Lord of heaven and earth

Yes, He's Lord of heaven and earth
~Shout to the North~

"There, in the presence of the Lord your God, you and your families shall eat and shall rejoice in everything you have put your hand to, because the Lord your God has blessed you." Deuteronomy 12:7

"Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice." 1 Chronicles 16:10

"But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, "The Lord is great!" Psalm 70:4 

"In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trust in him, and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." Isaiah 25:9

There are so many more ways I can quote how I feel about God right now. I feel like rejoicing in Him who knit each of these days together so perfectly in a way only He who created the heavens and the earth can. I might not be a preacher who can tell many how tangible God can be but I can tell all who I know about how God is here with us. And He isn't just with us when things are working out but He's there with us when things are all jumbled up too, if you've ever read any of my other post- especially ones about this past summer- you know that I feel His almighty presence in the good times and the bad. I just prefer the good times...don't we all! So may your week be blessed. May you feel his love, power, and gentleness as you walk through your day. May you know His presence is so close that you feel it in your heart and see it in your daily life.

Well it's time for bath and shower and bed and I'm one tired mama- off to enjoy those blessings!

The Difference between 1, 2, & 3

No I'm not going to give you a math lesson, although I love teaching math, but instead I'm going to do something much more fun than that...I'm letting my avid readers (all one of you...okay maybe two of you) know that I'm no longer in survival mode but happily enjoy the second trimester of pregnancy of our third child!!! Yes, that's right there is a bun in the oven and we're jumping for joy over here (but not too high or there might be a spill on aisle five no one wants to clean up)!!! Like I said I pretty much spent the last six to seven weeks in full survival mode. I prayed for energy and would collapse each day at naptime and then right after dinner. Poor Matt was basically a single dad each night since I was in bed, asleep before the girls and him. Last night I was able to be there when the girls got out of bath and help get them dressed for bed and you would have thought someone handed my sweet husband an million dollars- he was so grateful for the help- as I would be if I were him. Haha, I always say you know I'm pregnant or really sick when he's running circles around me.

So how are things different this time. Well let me tell you the four miscarriages have really taken a toll on my mental health. In the last few weeks I've had a few doctor appointments where I've had to fill out the tons of forms, you know the drill, and on there it asked about postpartum depression and it really got me to thinking. I've never suffered from this, in fact I'm often the happiest after baby arrives, but I think there needs to be awareness about 1st trimester depression. The emotional and physical issues I go through during those 12 weeks is one of the hardest thing I've had to do. The constant worry, prayer, and then worry creeps right back up on you. The nausea and endless desire to want to crawl in the bed and just hibernate through the time. I feel like I am literally in survival mode and I'm not the happiest person to be around. I felt like I was just trying to make it through each day and some days each hour. I'm soooo super lucky to have two wonderful children who only a handful of days made mommy want to hide in the closet until daddy got home. And for the almost all of the time Matt was able to tend to the kids for me and let me take a break once he got home from work, and I'm so grateful for this. I also had a few great friends bring us food to help alleviate some burden there. Lots of prayer and a great support system has gotten me through it- the grace of God alone on most days. I don't want to seem overly dramatic but this time is such a struggle for me and is very taxing on Matt too. I just want others to know that they're not alone if they too struggle through this time due to a pregnancy loss. It's scary, to say the least. 

I'm also very grateful for my wonderful doctor, nurse practitioner and overall doctors office. I was in there every two weeks. I had my initial ultrasound around 6 weeks 5 days. Then I had a second two weeks later and then two weeks after that we were able to check for baby's heartbeat via the Doppler and then two weeks later was my 12 week ultrasound. I have found from experience that I can only last about two weeks and then I need reassurance. If I'm going to be honest, it is more like a week but then I just pray, pray and pray some more to make it through that second week. Some people say that the morning sickness helps calm them but not for me. I've been pregnant seven times and each time I was sick as a dog so it does nothing but make me miserable. Right now I'm a week and a half in and I have to wait a full 4 weeks this go round (yikes), but making it to the second trimester does help calm the nerves and also the every growing belly helps too.

So let's talk about this ever growing belly. Here is where I'm going to distinguish between pregnancies 1, 2, and 3- like my title says. I remember with Lauren longing to wear maternity clothes and wanting that big ol' round belly, and it felt like my belly was in slow grow mode and it was never going to happen. I remember with Olivia things in the belly growing department happening quicker and needing those maternity clothes that much sooner. But folks...I was wear maternity clothes, specifically bottoms, at 8 weeks this go round. I think I was just putting them on for the fun of it at like 13 weeks with Lauren. Maybe your slow growing belly with baby number one allows you to slowly acquire the new wardrobe where with babies two and three that tub is ready and waiting a lot earlier, thank goodness. My belly at 12 weeks with baby number three was the same as 20 weeks with baby number one. Oh my abs were so nice a tight and then Lauren and Olivia stretched those puppies out. The funny thing I've only gained 1.5 pound, according to the scale at last weeks appointment. So not sure where this belly is coming from...okay maybe the fettuccine alfredo I've been enjoying, or the extra helping here and there, and those tacos...just maybe. So my sweet baby bump this time has been a source of comfort and discomfort- silly little thing, or is that big thing?!? Oh who knows with me!

So this pregnancy is more reminiscent of my pregnancy with Lauren. With her I desired sleep, sleep, and more sleep. I remember coming home from work and not even eating dinner but passing out on the couch. With Olivia I just desired sweets all the time. I wanted ice cream, cake, pie, candy. My sweet tooth was off the charts and this is not normal with me. Yes, I get the hinkering (what kind of word is that?) for a cupcake or peanut butter anything but not the same with Olivia- I was in overdrive. No not this one though. I want meat and pasta, a nice sandwich with all the trimmings or a good soup and crackers. More of the comfort foods and I was the same with Lauren. And that sleep. All the sleep I can get I take. I sometimes feel like I can't get enough, sort of like I was with Olivia and sweets.

This time I have no instinct of baby's gender. It's interesting to hear others take on it. A lot of the old people at church were very interested in know if we knew already. I told them that fun news won't come until December, if baby cooperates. Lots of people have mentioned a boy since we've got two girls. But Matt and I could care less- happy and healthy is all we ask. It would be more convenient if it was a girl you know the thousands of dollars worth of clothes we already own, we're already in girl mode and I wouldn't need to redecorate. Lol I remember when I was all about redecorating with the other two- this time I could care less- maybe its since with Olivia we had to move the whole house around and that was a task of it own I'm not ready to repeat. On the other hand a boy would be different and new, we'd finally get to use that boy name we've been holding on to since Lauren was in the womb. So really it's all good. I feel like that is a big swing change from pregnancy number one, where we were all about what the gender was going to be. Speaking of that I just want to throw out there, since this is really bugging me lately, finding out the babies gender- no matter when- is a surprise! So many people say, are you going to let it be a surprise and I want to say back well no matter when we find out it's a surprise. Whether it's at the 20 week ultrasound or on the day that baby pops out (ha, like it's that easy...lol) it is a surprise. Anyway, I'm getting off that soapbox. And just a sidenote whatever anyone else does- wait until baby comes or finds out and doesn't tell others or finds out and tells the world that is their choice and I think they're all just great. I just prefer to find out when I can because I can. If it were the old days and I had to wait I'd be just fine but since I can know I would like too. Plus, I love having their name ready and calling them their name and saying it to the baby in utero too. It's just my preference. I'm not condemning anyone else's preference. Okay moving on.

This baby has been so much more fun with Lauren. When I was prego with Lauren there was no sibling around to enjoy it with. Then when I was prego with Olivia, Lauren was a little young to really grasp what was happening, nor did she seem to care (about the same attitude she had when Olivia came home). Where now she's got a concept of there being baby in there and I'm sure as my big belly gets bigger she'll enjoy that too. We plan on bring her to the 20 week ultrasound to see the baby on the TV and found out with us boy or girl (if baby wants to cooperate). We've asked her about names, lol, she said we should name baby Olivia- lol. When we asked if it was a boy or girl she said girl. She's come up with some goofy names too, but they're escaping me now. She understood what she was looking at when we showed her the fuzzy ultrasound pictures. 

That's another thing. Okay with Lauren we got tons of pictures. They were beautiful and clear. With Olivia we got a lot less. In fact, at our 12 week ultrasound we got one and it looked like a cattle skull hanging from a ranch sign and I had to ask the lady for a profile picture. This one, poor baby number three, has had about the same amount as Olivia but they're all so fuzzy and if you haven't a clue what you might be looking at you might as well be drawing it picture with your own imagination. They're that bad. A friend laughed at me and said "I thought technology would be improving but not according to your pictures." Oh I can hope for a great ultrasound tech at the 20 week or we'll just have to make up for it when baby comes out. 

Oh that's another thing. Olivia and Lauren had nicknames before we had a gender to put a real name to. Well I haven't gotten past baby. My sister nicknamed it Pedro since I was overjoyed about taco night at church and was telling her how baby and I couldn't wait to get our hands on the yummy food. Maybe one will come to me, until then sweet little one we'll call you baby.

And another thing, despite the very long and cumbersome first trimester, time seems to be flying. When I was chatting it up with my sister I have been so busy counting weeks I haven't even thought of what month I'm in. So she brought it to my attention that I'm already 4 months prego. Wow, really. Only 5 months to go- that seems so short in the grand scheme of life. April will be here before you know it. 

That is the other thing about this pregnancy is the timing and seasons are so different. Both the girls were pretty close to the same- spring/summer first trimester, summer second trimester, and then a fall/winter third trimester. Well this baby is spicing things up. I've been sick all fall- my favorite season. But I'm really enjoying the cold weather since hot flashes are so much more bearable in the cold. I've felt no need to turn the heat on and just keep the kids bundled. It will also be nice since baby's due date is at the end of the month so I'm more sure this one will be born in the same month in which it was due even if he/she wants to follow in their sister's footsteps by showing up three week early! 

So many fun things. So much I want to remember. I want time to go a little slower but as life goes we forge ahead and move along! I know from pregnancies 1 and 2 this time is something I need to cherish and embrace and eat up each moment. I want to enjoy my sweet family of four since this baby will shake it up, change it around, and give us all more to enjoy and more to do. Oh I wish I could put each of the wonderful blessings down, but I've got more blessings than I do time so I'll just have to smile and try and hold onto those memories as best I can. Matt and I were just talking the other night after dinner that it's really hard to remember what life was like with no kids or just one (other than it being much, much quieter) and how we wouldn't want to go back. So here's to our happy news and praise to the Heavenly Father who created in us a new tiny blessing!

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will received the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

Our Easter

TOP TEN LIST:
OUR EASTER THIS YEAR

10. Lots of Easter Egg Hunts- and they must be done with eggs containing treats or it just isn't as fun

9. Dying Easter eggs with a one year old makes for a little craziness
8. Teaching a 3.5 year old about Jesus' death and resurrection has made for a lot of interesting questions and conversations
7. Both girls have enjoyed all the 'bunny' decor around the house and Lauren has requested it stay up a little longer this year- Olivia has toted around the baskets on her arms like purses, always asking for both baskets, when she sees them
6. Nothing beats making a nice Easter meal for the family only to have our 3 year old toss all the effort out the window with the words "I don't like this dinner" - ugh...
5. Reading the Easter story as a family before bed on 'Easter Eve'
4. Lauren requesting the bunny hide her basket in a "really hard spot"
3. Waking up Easter morning to see the smile of pure joy on Lauren's face when she realizes it's time to look for her basket
2. The sugar consumption that was off the charts for a 24 hour period when all they could think about was their Easter treats
1. Spending time together as a family and celebrating our risen Lord!

 Our church's Easter Egg hunt- Olivia was an ol' pro and filled her basket with lots of eggs!

 Here the girls are checking out the treats inside their eggs- too cute!

 Here they are at home preparing the eggs with treats so daddy can hide the eggs and they can hunt for them.

 Here's Lauren finding the eggs- it was too funny to watch this each evening- as Lauren would sit in her chair facing the shed, as to not see where the eggs were being hidden- but she would be informing Matt or I where to hide them. Sometimes I cringe as I see myself in her, oh she's too much!

 Here we are dying the eggs!

 Lauren was so good and did them mostly on her own with some help from Daddy.

 After finding their Easter baskets in the bathtub they both enjoyed opening the eggs and seeing/eating all the goodies. 

 Olivia's goodies- she just kept sneaking candy when I wasn't paying attention, her cheeks were packed with goodies the whole time we were going through baskets. Then at church she passed out during Sunday School time while she was in the nursery- can we say sugar crash!

 Both girls all dressed up in the super pretty Easter dresses! 

I can't tell you how precious these two little girls are. They are both growing up so fast. The things Lauren says and the stuff Olivia is understanding- I'm just in awe of the wonder of God's love.

Our traditional family photo.