Big G's Big Day

Well the saying "better late than never" is really ringing true here. Graham has been out of the womb for over 2 years, yes years, and I'm finally getting around to writing (more like posting, it's been 85% done for over a year but I'm just finishing it and then posting it) his birth story. It makes me a bit sad, really sad if I think to long on it. Just that I'm sure some parts of this story have already been lost to time. My brain isn't what it use to be either. Heck, I've never had a good memory and now motherhood has stripped me of any trace which my brain might have had prior. Thank God for Lauren- she and her sisters are wonderful at remembering things- so these days I just use them like one might use a piece of paper. I can never seem to find a paper and pen and then remember where I put said paper and pen when I actually need it anyway. They work way better anyway, the cutest stationary around!

Anyway, let me finish dusting the cobwebs and focus for more than 3.2 seconds.

So just like all the others at 37 weeks I had a false start. But Matt's mom was in town so she held down the fort. My mom got there a week after and we were on wait an watch mode. My doctor again asked if I was interested in an elective induction. At first I dismissed it. But then she said that we could always cancel at the last minute if I decided against it but I couldn't however ask for it at the last minute. So we decided to schedule it and just see where God lead us. I mean we did the same with Audrey and she was born the day before and all was well. 

He was due on April 28th and we set the induction for the 26th. Hind sight makes me so happy she persuaded us to do this. But we'll get to that in a minute or two. So my mom was in town and I was so grateful but I remember also feeling ready. I was huge! I mean I was pregnant so what does one expect. But all who have been there know. When you're that big you're uncomfortable and you can't sleep for more than a hot minute at a time. Between comfort and the need to use the bathroom every two seconds, sleep is not very restful. Having my mom there was wonderful though. Especially since we had Easter and Audrey's 2nd birthday in there. I don't know how we would have done it had not God provided us with these Grandmas. Here are a few pictures of Easter and Audrey's birthday. Such sweet memories.

Our last picture as a family of 5- on Easter Sunday.

Mom, Audrey and Me

Big girl turns 2!!! Only 1 week before she officially became a BIG sister!

So there was plenty to keep us busy and going but still my mom was again determined to walk this baby out. She pushed me each night to take a walk. 

I'm laughing thinking about it now. The Sunday before he was born she pushed my big butt out the door to walk the neighborhood. It was a rainy/windy evening and I didn't want to do anything but sit on my big butt. It wasn't currently raining but it had been and still looked like it was about to. But I relented and we went. On our way home the wind was really picking up and the black clouds were looking like they might open up and rain furry on us. I realized that it was Sunday and America's Funniest Videos was on. So I picked up that pace. My mom's short little legs couldn't keep up with me and on top of that she has arthritis in her feet. She asked me to slow up. I said back to her "It's Sunday! America's Funniest is on. My family lives for this!" Just after I said it, we both busted out laughing. I mean hormones and exhaustion can really contort ones sense of reality. 

Another goofy story from that last week that my brain just remembered was a day mom and I went out shopping. We were getting my last minute errands done and we were hungry. So off to Taco Bell we went. It was fast, cheep and we were hungry. So this particular Taco Bell had the type of seats that are stationary, cemented to the ground. Oh I sat down and we both couldn't help but laugh. I just barely fit into the seat. I had to squeeze into the table. Back.To.Belly I was snug as a bug in a rug. I did take a picture of that- it was too much!

Back to belly, I just barely fit!

The night before Graham was born- so big!

Each night I would lay down and wonder when he was coming. I would pray for peace about it but that last week I really remember thinking only about getting this little man out! Thankfully my doctor had us set an induction date because we knew he would be coming by then. This helped once again for my mom as well. She knew when he was coming and could arrange a return flight and not be here endlessly (I think her total stay was 17 days- I'm sure my step-dad missed her at that point and she missed the calm and quiet of her home too). The night before I was excited and we had all the girls setup in Audrey's room. They had a fun sleepover together. 

All the girls having a night before sleepover.

So Wednesday, April 26th at 6:30 a.m. Matt and I showed up at the hospital, him walking sleepily and me waddling. Such a stark contrast to the last time I entered a hospital to give birth. Audrey was fast and furious- coming in 3 hours and we arrived at the hospital with me ready to roll!

All checked in they walked me to the new L&D unit. We were excited because in the two years between children they had renovated the woman's wing. They weren't completely done but pretty close. The room we were in was nice, new and all fancy with mood lighting and such. My nurse had just gotten on duty and would be with me the whole time- which was nice. She settled me in and got me hooked up (not my favorite part). I was GBS positive again so they had to get two doses of antibiotics in me. Just a quick aside here- this hurt. She had to do two bags of penicillin and each time it burned. Like fire in my hand and arm as the medicine entered. I felt so whiny but it hurt bad. Oh the little things. So they started the meds. Soon my doctor was there and she checked me. I was the same as the last time she had checked me. (These are the memories that have gotten fuzzy overtime). I'm pretty sure I was still 3 cm and maybe 70% at this point. 

So all hooked up and checked out we started settling in. And that is when it started. The amazingly annoying construction noises. Yes, hammer, hammer, hammer, saw, saw, saw on repeat- I was like "WHAT!" It wasn't too bad but when you're about to be put into labor it was rather annoying. It didn't start until the "workday" started at around 8:30-9. The nurse came back in a little while later and I asked about it. Then we were the really annoying- about to give birth- people and asked if it couldn't be stopped was there a room we could be moved to that wouldn't be so loud. So our request to be moved was granted, but we were moved to the furthest room away, like the big annoying people, we were put in the naughty room. But at that point I didn't care because it was the quiet room so I was happy being put in the naughty room. 

Now resettled we began the big wait. The wait for my body to start doing its thing. We watched some TV and texted. The only memory I have other than just waiting around is the anesthesiologist coming in to see if I was going to want an epidural. Which I said no thank you too. He didn't seem to like my refusal and hung around a bit just being triple sure I didn't want one. Like I was some kind of freak or something for saying no. I have a few pictures of this time frame.

All settled in for the big day

This is the room- very nice without the construction noises

We were moving along steadily as the morning continued. My contractions had increased in intensity but worn't too bad. By 10:30 they had gotten more regular as well. The nurse had just checked me and said I was the same as when I came in that morning. I was floored. I mean my contractions weren't breathtaking yet but something had be happening. Then my doctor came in, she checked me and said that yes, I was indeed the same but my cervix was very different and it wouldn't be much longer. I think I let out a visible sigh when I heard this. However, my doctor was about to go in to preform a C-Section on another patient. She was afraid that if she left me going as I was she might not be there to deliver the baby. She proposed that they stop the Pitocin and allow me to plateau and then when the nurse hears that my doctor is closing up the surgery that she can then resume the medicine. 

I was like, "What did she just say." Was she pushing the pause button on this?!? I mean I completely understood it all and was fine with it, but I was laughing just the same. Matt took this time to get some lunch and refuel since we had such an early rise and shine time that day. I believe it was around 11:45ish when they resumed my Pitocin and we were once again on the road to having this baby. You have to laugh at this because come on now!

It was at this point that she also began the second dose of Penicillin. Oh how I hate that stuff, ouch. Anyway, my doctor also instructed the nurse to put me in this crazy position and use a peanut birthing ball. Here is the picture I got off Google in case you're like me and had no idea these things existed. I had no idea until that moment. I'll do my best to describe what they did to me. 

So they inverted the bed. My head was lower than my feet. Not by too much but it seemed counter intuitive to have gravity not working for me but what do I know. On top of me being heals over head, they put this peanut ball between my legs which was to help open my hips up allowing baby to have more wiggle room I think. She put me in this position and left. At first I didn't notice too much but it truly took no time at all for this position to work its magic. My contractions started become more intense and more frequent. But I also started losing blood in my arm. The arm that just moments earlier was burning with pain from the medication was now tingling and really hurting even more, pretty unbearable. At this point the nurse didn't come even though we had called for her (must have been busy with other people who didn't need to be put in the naughty room), I'm not sure what was going on but my needy self was on her own. Matt helped me get into a position that allowed blood flow to my arm and yet didn't compromise the birthing position they had me in. Amen for my amazing hubby and birthing partner!

It was about an hour more of this and I was ready to roll. If my timeline isn't wrong it was about 12:15 when the nurse left us on our own and it was like 1:00 or sooner when I went into active labor. And then boom just like my body has done many times before it went so fast from active labor to transition phase. In just one more hour, about 2:00, I was ready to push. I was ready to get this baby out of there. But again, PAUSE!! Yes, I was told I couldn't push. That the doctor wasn't there and I'd have to wait. I did ask that the stinky peanut ball be removed because it was driving me nuts at this point. I remember specifically asking to "get into the birthing position" and being told no. It was, what felt like forever, but was more like 20 minutes or so from when I told the nurse I was ready to roll and they were ready for me to roll. I really don't think the nurse believed me when my doctor and I told her I labor fast and furious once my body gets going but she sure got on board fast!

So I had to breath through a 'few' (20+ minutes) contractions resisting the urge to push, so not fun. My doctor finally ran in the room and suited up and they let me get into position and got the bed all ready for me. I think it was just four pushes and little man was out. Graham Michael was born at 2:49 pm. He was 20 3/4 inches- almost 2 inches longer than his sisters and 7.6 pounds- the heaviest of my babies as well. Now I see why I was ready for him to be out!

That might not seem like a big baby to some. I know of smaller woman giving birth to bigger babies- but he was my biggest baby. He was also in utero the longest. He was born 2 days prior to his due date and that was my longest pregnancy. But I completely understand if you've had bigger and dealt with it longer and so feel free to roll your eyes at this.

Anyway, I was overjoyed enough to tell Matt that I didn't want to do this again. I was deep breathing and taking this little man in and the "joys" of labor and I looked at Matt with my most sincere eyes telling him thanks but no more please. I was praying and singing God's praise don't get me wrong but I was so tired, just so tired. I understand that minutes after giving birth might not be the best time to make such decisions but it seemed like a great time to broach the subject if you asked me and my poor body.

Here are some sweet pictures of our little man:

Snuggles after a busy morning for mommy
and baby

So precious and such a sweet boy.
Love at first sight!

It was well into the 3 o'clock hour before the doctors and nurses were done with me and him. He was healthy and my body had done another great job of birthing a child- what an answer to prayer! 

We called my mom and the girls and told them the great news. We called my dad and step-mom, along with Matt's parents. We just sat and enjoyed him.

My mom came with the girls after they had eaten dinner. So it was about 6 when they got there. Here are some pictures of him and his very excited big sisters!

A had been so excited about "her" baby! She was so
excited for her newest buddy. She wanted to do
everything for him. True love for sure.

L and her newest little sibling.

O was the one who knew it was a boy.
She was praying for a brother of her own.

I had cute shirts made for the girls. They said "sister squad" and their name. They were so excited. My mom had looked like the day had been a full one with all the girls. She was enjoying the time to sit for a minute and hold her newest grandson. I think O had given her a run for her money and climbed into the play area at the local fast food restaurant but cried and wouldn't come out (because she had gotten scared, not disobedient) and my mom had to climb in and rescue her. Then she had gone to the wrong hospital and one of the girls had fallen and hurt her knee once they arrived at the correct hospital. Needless to say she had had a full day with the girls.

Here is our first picture as a "Party of Six!"

I'm recording the rest of this story because to me I see it as part of his story. And part of the way I feel God was growing me through adding this little man to our lives. And I may forget these memories one day and I want to have it all down. But if you're just interested in the actual birth of my sweet son, you can probably stop here and call it a day/night.

So my nurse was ending her shift at 6. Before she ended her shift I had called the nursing station and asked for help going to the bathroom. No one came. Twenty minutes later I called again and again no one. Matt had to help me to the bathroom. They had been pumping me full of fluids all day and my body could only hold but some much. I had to have Matt look in all the drawers to get the supplies I needed to do this undertaking. If you've done this birthing thing before you understand what goes into this seemingly simple task. I was a bit annoyed but then again I was in the timeout room, so I guess this is what I get. Anyway, I got that done- with Matt's help. Then I started to get hungry as the 5:30-6 o'clock hour approach. I mean I hadn't eaten since the night before. So I asked my nurse when she came in before her shift ended, but I guess she hadn't relayed the message to the new nurse. So I tried again to get someone in the room to help a girl out but I was again left on my own. This was the third incident that day where I called and no one showed. I'm not a nasty person so I tried to take it in strides but it had been a long day- heck a long 9 months. My mom and the girls arrived so I was busy with them and distracted. I would have had my mom get something had I known. Finally I think at 7 the new nurse finally got around to coming in and checking on me. 

By this time I had so many needs- like how to get food and when was I going to be moved to the post-delivery room. Where I could settle in and maybe, not be left to my own devices. But all the information I was given was to call in my food order and to have them deliver it to the room I was in. And she dropped hints that there was some big fiasco going on and that's why I had been ignored. So I took a deep breath and tried not to think of how hungry and tired I was as I waited patiently for things to work out. 

I look back now and it was one of the many times over the next year or so where I was slowly learning that lesson. You know the age ol' lesson of God's timing and not ours. And to take a deep breath, sit back, pray and let God work things out instead of being so stubborn and bull headed. Of how it's not always about us and how I need to set my sin-nature/self-contentedness aside. I wasn't moved to my postpartum room until 9:30 that evening (just reminding you that I gave birth at 2:49 that afternoon- with no complication or medication that would required me to stay there that long). And no my food was not delivered to my delivery room. And I had to be the one to call the kitchen and get it all worked out. It was like 9:15 and a lady showed up with a wheel chair out of the blue. She did not have the best bedside manor either. I had hit a brick wall. But I continued to just shut my mouth and go with the flow.

But when I finally arrived upstairs things settled and I was checked on every few hours whether I need it or not. I was spoiled as they tended to me. My nurses there were very sweet and made me want to stay a few moments longer. We tried our best to enjoy this precious time with just him. Enjoying the quiet and having just one baby (and a host of nurses to help with him). When it's your 4th you appreciate things a bit differently. 

Proud Papa

But by Friday I was ready to be home. I missed my girls and I was ready to be back at my own home. I was overjoyed and get this show on the road! 

Here are some pictures of that day:

So tiny!

Mama and G ready to head home.

We headed home and the rest of that year was a whirlwind. With three older ones and a house full of chores/demands- every day was busy and flew by. I tried to soak it in the best I could. But LIFE.IS.FAST! Days can feel like they go at snails pace and yet weeks, months and years fly by without warning. I look back now 2 years later and I know that's me in those pictures and that's my little man but I can really hardly remember it without the aid of pictures and home movies. 

We were just up north visiting family and I had the joy of meeting two of our newest nephews (2+ months, and 5 weeks old). They were as tiny as G in these pictures. And I held them and tried with all my might to remember my children being that little. But it's so hard. I see them now, all of their personality and the amazing things they do and say. I see how God knew all the way back before I could have imagined my life now but I could only really see what was in front of me. Lauren, 8.5 years old and smart and sensitive, thoughtful and spunky. Olivia, 6.5 years old and full of music, dance, imagination, generosity and love. Audrey, 4 years old and full of passion, laughs, desires of her own, and snuggles. And Graham, 2 years old and full of new words, sweet kisses, jumping, running, exploring and enjoying having a memory (every time we pass things he remembers he lets the world know). 

Matt and I recently had a conversation about how we've been together for 18 years. We began dating/courting back in June of 2001. Could we have written our story with such purpose and love as God did? How being parents for the past 8.5 years has blown our minds as we navigated thought and around every corner. And then I said to him after we reminisced, "Can you imagine what the next 5, 10 or 15 years will be like?" Our minds cannot even begin to fathom what it will look like then. How different they'll be- heck we'll be. Makes me think of the verse in 2 Corinthians, chapter 4 verse 18 that says "So fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

I'm so thankful for a God who has it all under control. Who knows it all and sees how it will perfectly fold itself together to make the pages of our book. A book of love, loss, struggle, joy, gentleness, forgiveness, triumph, and one where we pray that each moment and each memory points to a God who loves his people and sacrificed in a way I don't want to imagine but do. I don't know when I'll post on here again. But what I do know is that I'm blessed and I hope to pass that blessing on to my family, friends and neighbors. To those I know and don't know along the way. And above all- that God's love and my love for His Son, Jesus, is my legacy to these sweet children God has given us.

Proverbs 18:10
The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.

Deuteronomy 10:20-21
Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes.

Isaiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he as become my salvation.

Psalm 145:9
The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.

Did I Brush My Teeth Today?!?

I'm pretty sure I've just grossed everyone out but I don't care.There are just some days of my life where I get to bed time and realized, I haven't even brushed my teeth today. It's not necessarily from lack of time or desire, believe me I enjoy clean, cavity free teeth. It's just one of those days where the day sweeps you away and before you know it, it's bedtime and you haven't brushed your teeth.

These have been my days lately. As we wait patiently (or not) for our little baby boy to arrive. I've been blessed beyond measure by Matt's mom and my mom being in town to help lighten the load. I'm sure my ability to nap and be more relaxed has caused him to say a little longer in hotel mama. But my days seem aimless and yet busy and a little out of sorts because the routine is looser, there are extra helping hands and everyday we wake up wondering if today will be the day.

The past 21 days have been a roller coaster of wondering. As April rolled in and the due "month" was here I've been on pins and needles ready to get him out. I thought for sure after my appointment at 37 weeks revealed me to be 2 cm and 50% that his arrival was going to be sooner than later but that hasn't been the case. I felt so restless and anxious, and even a bit of pressure (all self inflicted) that he was coming. But as everyday came and went without a baby my days have been a bit off. My mind feels off beat with life. These feelings and thoughts are so hard to put into words but I need to get this out. I need to record it and reflect on this time so I can move on- on to what I'm not so sure. 

After no progress at my 38 week appointment and a day full of contractions and a trip to the doctors only to find out the contractions weren't the real deal I was overwhelmed with frustration and anxiety. And it wasn't until Easter Sunday when my heart, spirit and mind were flipped from their selfish thoughts to thoughts of God that I begin to feel content with him still residing inside of me.

I mean what's the rush?! Was I in a rush?! I don't really think so, I just feel like the unknown of it all was getting the better of me. And some days it still is. The more waiting time the more time to think about this or that or whatever. 

I'm used to a busy, scheduled life. Not too busy and not over scheduled but as things have slowed to preparing for his arrival and as help has arrived I've felt a bit of extra time to think/worry/wonder. I really should be using the time to do stuff I've wanted or needed to do but I'm not. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I've been feeling coped up and the days I get out I've been exhausted, crabby, and cranky from the adventures. It feels like a lose/lose deal.

On top of it all, what do I really have to complain about? Um...nothing. And to make things worse I've been short and crabby with the kids and Matt. I'm just done. I'm really for the next step. Or am I?

I mean I've done this all before- you know having a baby. And I know. The baby is way easier when it's in the womb than when it's outside demanding more of your time and energy - not to mention that the time and energy the sweet ones that are already here demand. I keep telling myself this- over and over in my head but it somehow is not sinking it. I guess part of me thinking once he's out the 'wait' is over and my days will be full and busy again. It's almost like I'm wishing my 'vacation' away. I know it all seems a bit backwards- but it's just how my crazy self has been handling it all. Today I was blaming the hormones. I'm ready to be myself again!- whatever that might mean. I'm sure you're thinking I should see someone for a psychiatric evaluation. But as these days roll on I feel like I'm going a bit crazy myself! But I think this comes with the territory. I mean this is kid number four right? But if I have any words of wisdom to give in this whole post of blah, blah is that each and every pregnancy/baby/life season always brings in more new/unknown territory to life's journey. 

So we continue to wait and wonder. I continue to try and remove the selfish thoughts with each contraction (occurring daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes regularly and yet other times erratically) which prepares my body for the moment when God is ready for him to meet us. I need reminders to do less worrying and more praying. Less anxiousness and more thankfulness. Less crabby mama and more grace filled mama. Less of waiting for the next moment and more of enjoying this moment. Less of me and more of HIM!

Prayers welcome!

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever, Amen." ~ 1 Peter 5:6-11 ~

Finding Home - Part 1

Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Part 1 - Selling Our House

It was this time last year that God started us down the journey of finding a new home and selling our current home. In the fall we spoke with my great friends husband, Mike (he's a realtor), about if we could even do such a thing. You see we bought our house at the top of the market back in 2006- ten years ago. Little did we know then that it was the top and the housing bubble was about to burst. He said he was confident we could. We calculated the numbers and came up with the magic number of what we would need to sell our house and get out. And by that I mean to just be able to put this house behind us, not make a dime off it. We were all optimistic it was possible so we made plans to put it on the market the following spring.

It was then that I began praying for the people who would love our home as theirs and for our next home to be ready for us to grow into. This process has been bathed in prayer from the moment of conception and God's hand has been in every up and down too. But as you'll see God's plan isn't always ours and our dreams are often not as big as His. But He tells us to be transformed to His ways, His good, acceptable and perfect ways. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD (Isaiah 55:8). 

Well fall and the holiday season went by and before we knew it, January was here. This was the month we began the physical and emotional journey of selling our current home. Little did we know how this journey was going to stretch us, break us, mold us and renew us but that is exactly what has happened. 

We spent the beginning of the year preparing the house. We decluttered by renting a storage unit and cleaning out closets, donating things, and just tossing some stuff in the garbage (why have we kept this all these years??). We paired down kitchen supplies and toys. We washed windows and walls. We reorganized and simplified and depersonalized. We spent weekend after weekend working on the house. We painted and moved around furniture. We had a friend from church come and 'stage' the house with decorations. And by the beginning of March the house was ready. I'm not sure we were ready but the house was looking good- we however were a little more tattered and worse for the ware than a few months earlier.

It is kind of an uncomfortable thing to let strangers walk through your home. I would equate it to getting your pants pulled down in public. You are just exposing yourself to whomever called to look at the place. But as reluctant as I was we opened the doors to the public mid March.

Now having people come to into my house was no small thing. Each time we had a showing it took me a good solid hour or so (depending on the state of the house prior to the call) to get it ready. I would start upstairs with picking up toys and making beds. Then I'd stuff all the kids things away (baby gate under a bed, step stools in the bathtub, changing pad under the crib etc.). Then I'd vacuum the whole upstairs. Then I'd move to the downstairs where I would corral the little ones into a room with some form of TV on. I'd pick up, organized, and vacuum. I would have to strap Audrey into her car seat at some point because as soon as I'd get anything picked up she'd be pulling something else back out- oh how I was losing my mind. Then I'd pack the kids into the car with their toys from the living room and put on music or a book and run back in to do the last room and run over my check list to be sure in the hectic moments I didn't forget anything.

It.Was.Crazy!!!! We had the house on the market for only two and a half weeks before the first offer came in and it felt like a lifetime! We were ecstatic but more so me because it meant that I would be able to sleep again. I slept horribly throughout this portion of the process. It was excruciating. I was always on edge and not myself. I found it hard to relax and this was just as exhausting as not sleeping. I didn't enjoy being around myself most days and felt awful for my family who were stuck with me just the same. But that was past us now, or so we thought.

The house was off the market two weeks when we found out that the purchaser was unable to find financing. She was a single mother and had some bad past mistakes still holding her back from her dreams of owning a home. My heart went out to her. In fact, when this first setback came I was okay with it. I just took it in strides. And less that 24 hours later we were right back at the beginning.

Now God was with me, yes it was tough, but let me tell you some days it was His strength and not my own getting me through the constant cleaning and packing up kids and food (the showings during dinner hours were my least favorite, we ate a handful of meals at church due to this craziness). He was with me in the middle of the morning when I couldn't get back to bed and I lay there for hours on end wishing I could calm the anxious thought that kept me awake. He was there when I wanted to cry but instead I put on my big girl britches and did what needed to be done. He was always there.

So now it was April and the house was back on the market. This time it only lasted a week and we had TWO offers come in. I was blown away by how God was just showing us he had this. This time we accepted an offer that came in above asking price! We were jaw dropped at how good our God was. Woohoo! Not only was it a great offer but it was very apparent that they LOVED our house. They wrote a letter to us and I kept thinking "This is what I was praying for." God had answered my prayers!

They quickly did the inspection and secured financing. Everything looked great. Then the house appraised...oh yes, God was still great but the results of the appraisal were not so great. The offere were had accepted was $2,000 over asking price but asked for $4,000 back at closing. This would have given us about $8,000 net profit on the house. We priced our house with a little wiggle room so we would get at least enough to get out of the house. However, the appraisal came in at $4,000 LESS than what we needed to get out of the house without LOSING money. Yes, you read that right. Now we have to pay money to sell our house, more than what was due to the realtors. And yet, God hadn't left us.

They wanted us to fix some windows (totaling about $1,000 to do so) and they said we didn't have to fix them. They had asked for a $450 home warranty and they took that off the table (their realtor is getting it for them). They took off the $4,000 they asked toward closing costs too. So in the end it doesn't seem like much to pay $4,000 to finally put this house in our past. I told Matt multiple times that do this was worth never having to go through this process again. I mean our alternative was not selling the house until it was worth more but when would that be? And we'd have to start from scratch again at that point! No, God didn't want us to do that. He wanted us to surrender the money to Him and His plan. 

So that's where we are now. We officially lose ownership on June 1st and we need to be out of it by June 4th at noon (we've rented back from them for a few days but more about that in Part 2 - Buying a House). More to come though because along side this journey of selling our house, we've been on another journey to find our next home and oh man it has been just as bumpy of a road.

My Tangible God

I have been really, really wanting to get on here and write what has been on my heart lately and here God is giving me that opportunity. Two sleeping girls, Wednesday nights Bible study planned and Thursday's Bible study homework up to date and Matt isn't due home for a bit, plus, it's leftover night so no dinner prep needed! Can you see me dancing with joy like a fool! 

Life has been busy, as it usually is. Olivia turned 2 last week!!! Just blows my mind that she is two already. Potty training is on the up swing. She has been so good and is gaining control over it all. Allowing us to enjoy life in longer increments than the ol' 45 minute routine we had just a week ago. I'm so proud of her- she truly is a big girl now. Lauren is just plugging away, throwing surprises our way at every turn. She is so freakin' smart sometimes, I am truly amazed that the things she says (quite literally on a daily basis) and does. I sometimes just take a step back and enjoy the fun that it brings to our house. She's such a young lady. Matt said to me the other day that he wished he could put a little recording device around her neck so we could document all the wonder, beauty, and down right silly that just escapes her mouth all day long. I told him I would agree as long as it was just her voice you could hear when it was played back, lol, this mama doesn't need to hear her own voice anymore than I already do!

Look who can even pour her own cereal...well sort of 

Lauren's skills are a little better- she'll teach Olivia I'm sure

Matt's wonderful parents where down visiting us this past weekend. Always a blessing and an unexpected one too. Which leads me right into what I really, really want to put down in this post. 

I think it was last week Wednesday when could feel God walking through my day with me. It has been one of those times in my life when I truly feel like His presence is so tangible that it gives me the goosebumps (or chill bumps for you goofy folk ;-). So here goes my days.

Wednesday was going to be a crazy day, and for the most part it still kind of was. I had a baby appointment with the good ol' OB GyN. I always get excited for those appointments- for a few reasons. One, I usually go alone or with Matt and I enjoy either my quiet time or my alone time with Matt. Two, when you're pregnant with baby number three it's hard to find time to just bask in the glory of your pregnant state and these appointments give me time to do just that. Three, I love hearing my baby's heartbeat, oh such a sweet symphony of tones that makes my heart dance. So I was a bit disappointed when I realized that my absent minded pregnant self had also made Olivia's 2 year appointment for the same day. Or it might have been the other way around- I made my baby appointment for the same day as Olivia's, but you get the point. I can't be two places at once.

I called Matt when I realized my grave mistake. I told him the predicament and was secretly hoping he would solve all of my problems and be my hero once again. But no indeed he too could not figure out how I could be at two places at once. I had a babysitter coming, originally for both girls, so I wouldn't have to worry at all about Lauren- Amen! So I asked Matt if he could take the morning off to take Olivia to her appointment and then I would go alone to mine. He said sure and all was right. Expect it wasn't. I really LOVE going to their doctor appointments- for a few reasons (sound familiar? - if not reread the last paragraph again- and yes I hope you're laugh right along with me on this). One, I love their doctor- she is great and I'd be friends with her in the outside world if I could be. Two, I love finding out all about how they've grown and how they are doing. Three, I like to ask questions- it's in my DNA to be a question asker (ask everyone of my teachers and professors they will agree hands down, or up :-). With Olivia I'm forever asking about her food issues and this time was no different. 

So I prayed and got over it. There was just one small, very small, extremely small chance I could do both. My appointment was at 9:20 and Olivia's was at 10:15. And God afforded me another chance besides the appointments be staggered a bit, there was also the fact that we were at the West End pediatrians office (not our usually office). The appointments were at offices only ten minutes apart. I knew going into the day that it was very slim chance that I could pull it off. After all the OB GyN is so very rarely on time so I just prayed and figured I'd have to hear about Olivia's appointment from Matt. 

Well Jesus was in the car when I got an awesome parking spot in, and when "For the first time in forever..." (yes I'm signing Frozen songs on my blog post) the doctors office was running on time. I got into the room with plenty of time. I'm telling you I've never had an appointment run so smoothly every!!!! I even had time to chat with my doctor, whom I love dearly too, about life and kids as I listened to sweet baby's heartbeat. Then I had to get that ever so wonderful Rhogam shot and since the doctor's nurse was super busy they had another nurse do it and she was ready as soon as I was and I was able to get in quickly to have my blood drown too! I got in the car and raced over to Olivia's appointment. I had been texting Matt my positive progress the whole time. When I got into the car I had a text from him back and I might just make it. So off I zoomed. I pulled into the parking lot, ran (okay, walked quickly) into the office and asked the receptionist where they were. I walked into the room to see Olivia being a sweet girl and the best was when she lit up like a little Christmas Tree when I came into the room. I hugged her and thanked God, whom I swear to you was in the room with us enjoying the moment too. Dr. T and I chatted about baby number three and names. I found out she was as crazy with her children's names as I have been. She also has three children and was very intent to make sure her children's name went together just so. Matt zoned out but I was so excited to not be the only crazy mama who agonized over simple things while naming her babies because it mattered-  to me. But we also talked about the food allergies, which Matt hadn't gotten to so I was also grateful I didn't miss that conversation. Olivia got a wonderful report of heath and didn't even need any shots- just a finger prick, which was with her doctors usually nurse -another wonderful lady! The morning couldn't have gone any better- such an answer to prayer plus more! What a great God we have!!

Then we traveled home to enjoy lunch as a family before Matt had to scoot back off to work. We all enjoy when daddy is here for lunch. I tell you I was walking on Jesus' soft cloud all day and I'm sure he was right there with me. It honestly was a blessing beyond measure.

Then I was praying and praying for Thursday too. You see we have Bible study on Thursdays and last week was rough with Olivia's potty training and I felt awful for both her and the nursery worker. I had a plan of action to turn that frown upside down this week. And there it was Thursday and there He was- Jesus yet again by my side seeing prayers on my heart be answered. She did so good. They had woken up early that morning- so Olivia was able to do her daily morning business at home leaving this mama so hopeful that she was good to go in that department (the week before not so much and she ended up doing it in her pants and I know she was beyond devastated that she wasn't quite comfortable enough to do it in the potty). Anyway- with her #2 out of the way I just had to worry about getting the pee in the pot- I could do this. So I went to the nursery to bring her into the potty every hour or so and help her feel more comfortable. I just left my study to tend to her in the nursery. I had to go there three times but the second two times she was successful and came home in the same pants that she showed up in. I was so proud of her and again so thankful for the tangible evidence that my God cares for even the grossest of our needs.

So then that leaves us with this wonderful weekend. But of course I must backtrack a bit- I wouldn't be Jennifer if there wasn't a back story to everything I say- oh bless my heart. Anyway, I've been prayerful for a new dresser. You see this time around all I needed to do to get the 'house' ready for baby was to officially move all of Olivia's stuff into the 'big girls room.' She has been sleeping in there since December but her clothes still were housed in the nursery. One reason being I had no dresser to put her clothes into and the other being I hadn't gotten around to rearranging all the closets yet (I still have more work in that area but I know I'll get to it). So I started stalking Craigslist for the city we live in and the city Matt's and my family live it. I was finding NOTHING here. On top of being a very small selection, what I was finding was way over priced. I had specifics that couldn't be changed. I needed it to be a chest of drawers since I needed it to fit in the room. It also needed to be 5 drawers high, not 4, in order to fit in all the clothes. And I really wanted a wood that wouldn't clash with the dresser that was already in there housing Lauren's clothes. I'm not to needy...ha! So I did find one and my MIL looked into it but someone else had found it first. I wasn't too discouraged, I mean I do have three months until baby comes into the world needing clothes and all. I trusted God had one picked out for us and in His timing we would find it. I didn't however think he was going to have such an awesome plan, in a way only he can!

Then one week ago- on a Sunday night I got an email from Matt's mom. She found a beauty. I saw it and told her to go for it. It was even better than I could have imagined!! It was a double chest. So there are two columns of drawers- 5 high in the same dresser!! Thus allowing me to put both girls clothes in one dresser!!! Who even knew that existed?? Not I. On top of this fantasticness, it was just one piece of a set. There was a coordinating desk, chair, mirror, nightstand, and bookshelf. Now- ALL of this was in mint condition and ALL of it was just $250. Now we had budgeted about $100 for a used wooden dresser. But we didn't need all of the stuff in the group, so things could be resold offsetting the cost. Plus, Matt's parents so generously helped financially too. So the girls now have a new bookshelf, something I hadn't even prayed for but they needed (there was literally no room left on the one they had and we have many more years of book collecting in front of us). They also have a new nightstand that coordinates with their new dresser and bookshelf. I was just hoping for something that wouldn't clash but God had bigger and better things in store for us. Isn't He GREAT!!!!

Here's the dresser all set up, clothes inside! It fit perfectly into

the space. Just an answer to prayer plus so much more!

Here is the bookshelf...see the room for growth. 

It however is NOT all set up- just books thrown back

on so the floor wouldn't be covered anymore. 

A work in progress...

If this wasn't enough my in-laws were planning a random- we miss our grandbabies visit. So they were able to pick it up and bring it down to us just a few days later. They also took the dresser and nightstand that we already owned and had no room for back to there house for storage until God blesses us with our next home that we're hoping might have some more rooms and we can take it back from them. I was able to move the bookshelf from their room into the office for some much needed storage of school stuff. The house that once felt so big and somewhat empty is now feeling a little snug and not empty at all- and what a blessing that is!

My in-laws presence this weekend allowed for Matt to do a few things around the house and me too. Lauren took a trip to their hotel room again and we got some wonderful alone time with our now 2 year old. I love when we're able to make our children feel special in their own way. We were able to visit with them and enjoy their wonderful company too. I was able to run some errands and get some reorganizing done with the dresser swap, closet rearranging, and new bookshelf arrangement. 

Man the length of this post is beyond my usual attention span or my allotted time. But here I am still able to write. I just can't explain in words how amazing God's love is. I think of the way I try and do special things to make my children feel loved and important and cherished and then I see Him doing it to me. I think that is why I've been so adamant in getting this post down. I want to... 

Shout to the north and the south
Sing to the east and west
Jesus is Savior to all
He's Lord of heaven and earth

Rise up women of the truth
Stand and sing to broken hearts
Who can know the healing power
Of our awesome King of love

And Shout to the north and the south
Sing to the east and west
Jesus is Savior to all
He's Lord of heaven and earth

We've been through fire, we've been through pain
We've been refined by the power of Your name
We've fallen deeper in love with You
You've been the truth on our lips

Shout to the north and the south

Sing to the east and west
Jesus is Savior to all
He's Lord of heaven and earth

Yes, He's Lord of heaven and earth
~Shout to the North~

"There, in the presence of the Lord your God, you and your families shall eat and shall rejoice in everything you have put your hand to, because the Lord your God has blessed you." Deuteronomy 12:7

"Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice." 1 Chronicles 16:10

"But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, "The Lord is great!" Psalm 70:4 

"In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trust in him, and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." Isaiah 25:9

There are so many more ways I can quote how I feel about God right now. I feel like rejoicing in Him who knit each of these days together so perfectly in a way only He who created the heavens and the earth can. I might not be a preacher who can tell many how tangible God can be but I can tell all who I know about how God is here with us. And He isn't just with us when things are working out but He's there with us when things are all jumbled up too, if you've ever read any of my other post- especially ones about this past summer- you know that I feel His almighty presence in the good times and the bad. I just prefer the good times...don't we all! So may your week be blessed. May you feel his love, power, and gentleness as you walk through your day. May you know His presence is so close that you feel it in your heart and see it in your daily life.

Well it's time for bath and shower and bed and I'm one tired mama- off to enjoy those blessings!

We see the 'yellow' light!

Disclaimer: This whole post, or most of it at least, is all about pee and poop. If that makes you ill then I suggest you read something else. If you're interested in our potty training craziness then read on my friend!

So I was crazy in the head this morning, after such a trying experience with Olivia's potential potty training last Saturday, as I tried to yet again put her in underwear. 

Again she was really doing great this week at actually going whenever I put her on the potty. I know she knows how to 'make it come out' but it is the knowing when it's going to come out she hasn't figured out yet. Then I remembered my own advice to myself after going through this fun with Lauren. It really isn't until they truly need to that they actually figure it out. Another words, it isn't' until they're diaper free and have to learn - oh this is what it feels like when I pee and right before that feels like this - do they actually learn it all.

So that brings us up to speed and this morning she woke up and did her business on the potty and I asked her if she wanted to wear undies today (oh I have energy in the morning that I would love to have at this time of day). She was all about it, jumping up and down and carrying on as she went to pick them out. I reminded her to tell mama 'pot.' Within twenty minutes she pooped in the first pair but she had true remorse and was very upset by the fact that she had pooped in them. That means so much to a potty training mama since if they are upset that means they don't want to poop in their undies and therefor will work at not doing it. Encouragement to continue was all I needed and this was it.

Onto pair number two. About a half hour after she then showed up at the bathroom door, where I was tending to Lauren and she just had this pathetic look on her face. I asked if she had pee peed in her undies and she said yes. I looked around but there was no trace of anything except on her clothes. So I think she was honestly trying to make it to me. She again was not happy about it and I had to talk to her about how we would try another pair and that she was doing good coming to me and telling me and that she'll get it.

Onto pair number three. This was no less than ten minutes after putting this pair on that she called me upstairs to tell me she had pooped again. She again was so visible upset with the situation. I reassured her again that it was okay and we can try again with a new pair.

Onto pair number four. This pair is the one I'm so excited to write about. You see she kept this pair dry and clean all the way to nap!!! (can you hear the squeal of excitement behind that statement) That is four hours of no accidents!!! I put her on the potty about every forty-five minutes starting after the first pee accident. She actually went in the potty each time she sat on it and was overjoyed at herself. Right before lunch she even looked at me and said "pooh, pooh!" and made it to the potty before she did her business. I was overjoyed with her progress and she was too!!! She was so happy to see the clean and dry undies each time she went and the M&M was the candy on top after each success!

I called Matt to tell him what progress we had made and he was reluctant (he is still a little scared after Saturday) but excited for her. 

I put her in a diaper for nap but had her use the potty before I did. This is one of the many times she has been regularly going to the bathroom anyway so to see that continue was a huge reinforcement that she's getting there.

I know this is not the most interesting post but I need to document for myself that we can do this, she can do this, I can do this- prayer and perseverance will get us there. We can reach goal number two (refer to previous post for more detail on this) before April!!

I still worry, for what reason I'm not sure, about tomorrow because we have planned a trip to the library as a family but then I remember I got through all those moments with Lauren and I'll get through them with Olivia too. Extra clothes in the diaper bag, lap pad on the car seat, bathroom trips before you leave the house, asking five hundred thousand times while you're out "do you have to go pee pee?" I got through it then and I'll get through it again- and in two years again...oh bless my heart!

Just the joy of raising kids. I hope and pray that her success continues tonight so Matt can see it too and have some relief for the future too. I know he's going to be a hot mess on tomorrow's outing but he can do it. We can do it!

How can you not just love that face...even when it's covered up...cutie!

"May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." 2 Thessalonians 3:5

If You Want My Advice...Or Not

I've been needing to write this blog for myself. I've had so much swimming round in this crazy head of mine and I find ease when I spew it down here. This post is simply for my own selfish need to get this stuff out of my head and also because maybe, just maybe the thoughts I have might ring true to someone who reads them.

So I've been thinking a lot lately as I've been mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually preparing for baby number three. So much is different when you're preparing for the third child than the first, or even the second for that matter. I'm noticing a big change in my expectation and my dreams as this one grows inside my ever growing belly.

First, I want to say that I am indeed no expert. I just know what I've experienced and these thoughts come from just that- my experience. In fact, that is one of my first thoughts- how everyone is so very different. Each couple is very different from the next. So it is so hard to give parenting advice to anyone since they are two very different people, with different personalities and vastly different upbringings usually. For Matt and I you can see just that. Matt came from a home with three kids, laid back parents who have been married to each other his whole life. His household was very steady and consistent. His personality makes him a parent who doesn't act irrationally and has patience with just about anything (that goes out the door when he’s tired though- as it does with anyone who is tired). I, on the other hand, came from a family with two kids and my parents divorced when I was three. I had a working mother from then on and only went to my dads every other weekend and on holidays/vacations. My life was not as steady and consistent. My personality makes me a parent who will gets twenty five things done at the same time and I’m the snuggler/comforter.  Neither one of us is better than the other but each very different so we bring our own dynamics into our parenting style.

This also remains true when it comes to our children. Both can be very different and their personality cause us to parent them just a little differently. What will work for Lauren might not work for Olivia and vise versa. So not only does each parent come to the table with different personalities and different upbringings- each child is so different.

Sorry if this is sounding like a college term paper but what I'm trying to say is this is why I struggle giving people parental advice and often just stay away from it unless asked. 

I have a friend who is very different from me- she gave birth to her first child shortly after Olivia was born. She would often ask for advise for this or that and I would tell her how I did things with my girls but I knew deep down that her personality and her daughter’s personality were nothing like my kids and I so I'm not sure what good I did or if she was able to use any of the things I told her- and I'm pretty sure she didn’t. I felt bad that I wasn't able to help her out but at the same time I was thinking- you'll figure it out. I felt like more than anything she needed more confidence to trust herself than anything. That is advice you can’t really give a person though.

I recently went to a baby shower for a wonderful lady who is about to give birth to her first. When I went shopping for her shower I was thinking that she needed to have something for when baby wasn't a newborn anymore. So I thought about six months out she might need stuff for teething and eating- so I themed my present around that. Then I wrote a one page explanation of my gift- since I wanted her to know the reason behind each purchase I made and let her know the multiple uses of a teething ring and pacifier tether, the reason I purchased the bowls I did and those wonderful inventions- the disposable bib. I didn't want her to think- oh great another person who completely ignored my register and for her to just shove my, what I'd like to believe were thoughtful gifts, into the Target bag to be returned. When I got to the end of my WAY TOO LONG explanation of the gift (surprise, surprise) I was thinking about the advice that I did appreciate along the way. The stuff that wasn't about how to get baby to nurse better or sleep longer or other such nonsense. These were the three things I am glad someone told us or we learned on our own:

1. Just when you have it figured out, it all changes.

2. You can't spoil a baby.

3. Trust your gut and your God.

If anything has held true through the raising of both our girls is that as soon as things seem to settle or you think you've got the upper hand on this parenting thing they change, grow, and throw you for a loop. It has held true each and every step of the way for both kids. Now I'd say there is an upside to this advice because the stages you'd rather not endure but must, also go away. The never ending crying of a newborn passes, the I’m not going to listen to you since I've realized I have my own opinions and desires passes...you name the stage and it will pass. But the stinky part is the good stages pass too. The part where they just want to be held or everything they do is new and exciting...this will also pass. I always think of how Lauren could go no where without Bunny Night-Night and lately she sometimes comes and sometimes doesn’t- how sad that she doesn’t always want or need her. I think it makes me sad because someday down the road I will be Bunny Night-Night and she will seem to need me less and less (sniffle...oh I'll get through it but I won't like it...sniffle).

But this ever changing thing makes parenting always new and always adventurous that is for sure. With every new child there are different stages and different goods and not so goods. But the fact remains that as soon as you gain the confidence that you have it down- the game changes.

Secondly, you can’t hold your baby too much. I’m talking newborn to six months. In fact, the honest truth is usually by then they want to be down exploring and getting into everything anyway. So don't let people tell you to put your baby down! Hold it all day long if you want. That stage is soooo short in the grand scheme of it all, so don't waste a minute- but do give yourself a break- you'll need it. I remember with Olivia just embracing it so much more and maybe because I got that little bit less with her since I still had to love on her big sister too. I think that is why this time I'm so adamant on getting a Moby Wrap of some kind- I just want to hold that sweet thing as much as I can and if I can’t do it with my two very busy arms then the wrap will do (plus I’m preparing for any kind of baby that might ‘pop’ out -fussy, laid back, snuggler, etc.). Where with baby number one they're all you have to worry about and all you have to love on- so have at it!

Lastly, everyone is going to give you advice whether you want it or not. About every part of your parenting. Most will say it in this form “when my kids were young...” or if it’s your parent “with you...” or still others "well with my child..." and it usually something you're not going to do or it won't work for you and your spouse/child. There is no big problem with other people giving you advice except that it often drowns or clouds over our natural gut instinct. Or as I refer to it as the Holy Spirit talking to us. God equips us with the tools we need to parent our child. Sometimes, yes it is through others advice but more often the advice we ask for not the things said to us. 

He made your baby special for you. Unique to fit perfectly into your family. I think most of us parents know what will work for us and what won’t. For instance, with Lauren we took her pacifier away at 9 months. We endured three nights of her crying and crying to fall asleep at night. And I endured a whole week with no naps. I know many parents...many parents who could never and would never had been able to do that. They would have given her back the pacifier. And I was not better than them by any means. But we did what worked for us and our baby. I think for us  we endured it because I am so revolted by the thought of a child walking around with one hanging from their mouths, pulling it out to talk only to put it back in again. That might not bother you but I does me. So for me it was worth it in the end. Now my MIL told me her kids just simply stopped them on their own. I've had another friend who only allowed them at bedtime and yet another who took it away and had no ill effects like crying or such. Again this just reinforces my point that each parent and child is so different, that what worked for me might not work for you. But what does work often times is what you feel is right. And God is prompting you through the Holy Spirit and if you take the time to listen then you will figure out what works for your family.

That’s the fun of parenting isn't it? Well to some. The fact that we get to go on this grand adventure discovering things about ourselves and our child along the way. The best is that God is with us on the whole journey and each child He created was a special order for each family. You get to navigate it with the special spouse He sent you too- each with your own unique gifts and talents to bring to the table. Where I am weak, He is strong. And I say that in the context of God and my wonderful Husband. I am so amazed at how perfectly He created such imperfect people to fit together so perfectly. I hope that make sense beyond me.

In our family we like to do ‘sandwich’ hugs. Matt or I will be holding a kid or two and we give a big family sandwich hug. Matt and I are often the bread or bun and our sweet girls are the PB&J or the meat and cheese that make us so yummy all together. Yes, we have our moments when we don't see eye to eye or our own selfish desires get into the way of things but all in all we're the perfect little family of four...soon to be five...for us. God didn't make a single mistake anywhere along the way. Thank goodness we can count on Him and not ourselves to know what is right.

So all that to say you got this- you know what works for you, what you're willing to put up with or deal with, and the solution that will solve your current problem. And heck even if you don't get it figured out- don't worry because things will change before your eyes and you'll be dealing with a new puzzle, challenge or if you're lucky a moment of reprieve!

So those are the words of ‘wisdom’ that have been floating around this big ol’ head of mine as I think about this third miracle growing inside of me. Oh I can't wait, well I can, to meet baby number three.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6